Need help to figure out step-parenting
I have been reading this site for a while and this is my first time posting. I would like some advice regarding my fiance. He has two daughters (13 and 5) by two different women. The oldest lives with her mom and stepdad. The yougest lived with his mom, BM is not in the picture, because he drove a truck over the road. He was gone through the week but home on the weekends. We met 2 1/2 years ago and became engaged earlier this year. I lived in a different city than him and he moved in with me last year.
We had been talking about his 5 yr old moving in so he could spend more time with her. I agreed but he had to come off the road. He changed jobs in his company, works 3rd shift and is home every day. He does drive one hour to and from work to get his semi (his drive was this long from where he lived before). Over the summer I registered her for school here and we set up the 3rd bedroom in my house for her. Three days before school started he was still going back and forth if he was going to move in to live with us fully or stay at his moms. I got aggrivated and told him to do what was best for his child. She fully moved in and started school here. I knew with his work schedule that I would be doing evening care (home work, baths, etc.) and had no problem with it. On Monday's he puts her on the bus in the morning and my DD22 and I take care of the rest of the week between the two of us. He gets her off the bus in the afternoons.
A few weeks ago we had a disagreement about how little he does around the house (he does laundry and fixes dinner through the week) but that still left the rest of the house cleaning and yard work. He pointed out my DD22 didn't do a lot around the house (she works 3rd shift, goes to college full-time). I agreed she needed to do more. He also thought my DD22 needed to get up and pick up SD5 from the bus in the afternoons. I told him no he needed to do it she is his child. I also told him he has bath duty and whatever else SD5 needed on the weekends. Even when he is home he has little interaction. My hope was with her there he would be more of a father but it seems he isn't interested in being a full-time parent. Even if he is there she will come to me for everything.
His mom and aunts call every day to talk to her and see what she is doing. They ask her about everything that i do. I am starting to feel resentful and taken advantage of. How do I get him to step up? We have had a talk about this and he says he is but I don't see it. I've decided I'm giving him until mid-December to step up or I am done. Yes I love him but my first marriage was like this and I am not doing that again.
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my first marriage was like
my first marriage was like this and I am not doing that again.
You're doing it.
It sounds like he doesn't want to be a full-time parent. First, his mother parented, and now YOU do. It may be a surprise to you, but this is not uncommon - a man looking for a mother-figure for his child/children. I don't believe he WANTS to parent his daughter.
There are 2 things you can do to force him to parent his child:
I'll agree with Aniki on this
I'll agree with Aniki on this one. My DH didn't parent much at all. SD is now 18, she was 9 when DH & I married. DH heavily relied on his mom and dad as he gained sole custody of her. BM was/is total trash. It was dysfunction to the max and throw in a disney dad...its made for a child from hell scenario that continues to get worse.
I doubt this is going to
I doubt this is going to change, and I doubt there's anything you can do to get him to step up. As Aniki said, even if you leave, he'll just pawn the child off on his mother. It doesn't sound like your fiance has much interest in being a parent to his children. If he did, he would have given up the OTR job long ago and would not have left his child with his mother. He just went from one free caregiver to another. Does he spend any time with his other child? If not, that's the icing on the cake to show that he's not much interested in fatherhood.
The fact that he suggested that your daughter should get up and pick his child up at the bus stop in the afternoons pretty much tells me all I need to hear. Your daughter is working third shift and going to school full time? Full time school is the equivalent of a full time job, IMO, plus she's working and helping you with the SD. To expect more child care duties from her is ridiculous.
Why mid-December? He is a
Why mid-December? He is a parent NOW, he needs to step up NOW.
You don't need to figure out step-parenting, so much as your BF needs to figure out parenting (as well as household responsibilities).
I'm sorry, but his mother has been raising his daughter all of this time, what did you think was going to happen? He had it good then and he wants it good now, with somebody else doing all of the work. Sounds like he needs to move back in with his mommy.
I'm waiting for mid December
I'm waiting for mid December so that he has a chance to change. Also that is when winter break starts. This way if she has to change school it will be mid year instead of in the middle of the term. It will be easier to change then.
He not stepping up.
Trying to put everything on you and your DD. Like he put everything on his mother. Send kid back to his mothers until he steps up.
:-(
Maybe I'm just emotional today, but this really tugs at my heart.
I feel bad for the little girl, she is an innocent here. And I feel bad for you too, as I do feel you are being taken advantage of.
I doubt you feel ready to call it quits today, and that's why you've reached out for advise and also given him the ultimatum.
The only advise I offer is one that really takes into consideration the child. Keep the lines of communication very open with her grandmother, becuase that is likely where she will be moving back in to. She calls the child everyday- great, maybe you call her too let her know how things are going. I would have an honest heart felt talk with his mom & let her know what is going on, so she can prepare for when the child returns. Also, try to remember that she is an innocent and do your best to impress that she hasn't done anything wrong.
Yes, it's very sad for the
Yes, it's very sad for the child. Two parents who don't care about their child - except to let others care for her.
I feel horrible too. She is a
I feel horrible too. She is a good kid, does what normal 5 year olds do, but other than that she's pretty good. I've told her he helps some but she wants things to work so she doesn't have her. It's not that she doens't want her it's just that she can't keep up with a small child anymore.