When you love one SK but not the other.
Hi all, I'm new to this site and just looking for a place to vent. I've been reading your blogs and fourms for a few days now and feel I'm ready to post myself.
So here's a bit of background info on my family.
I'm 23, have no childern of my own but my SO has two kids. SS8 and SS10.
My SO has full custody of both boys as of last October. Bm decided she couldn't support them anymore so, as usual, everything has fallen on my SO.
Before all of this we were doing 50/50, which was mostly fine. I still kinda sorta dreaded the evenings we would have to pick the boys up. The reason I dreaded those days were not necessarily because we were about to have kids around after not having them for a few days. The reason was SS10.
I absolutely adore SS8. That boy holds a big chunk of my heart. He feels like he is my own child in every regaurd. Polite, sweet, thoughtful, smart... just an all around good boy.
But his older brother... dear lord his brother. It seems that for all the youngest has going for him, the elder has in the opposite way.
I've never met two siblings so frigging different from one another... and while I wish it wasn't so, I'm pretty sure I kinda hate SS10.
There are days I feel really bad about this. Both boys want my attention, and while I freely give it to the youngest, I find myself pretty reserved with the elder. Every time I look at him I'm just waiting for whatever stunt he's going to pull next or for that ugly ass look to come over his face again.
So I ask you all, what do you do when you find yourseld genuinely loving one SK, yet pretty much despising the other?
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oh dear ... what's a 23 year
oh dear ... what's a 23 year old doing with a man with so many kids and a ex wife? You should be enjoying life not playing mummy..... but now you are in this...
SS10 sees you as an equal - age very close in his eyes.... he's hitting hormones... you will want to kill him within the next 3 years.... best would be to disengage from him and let SO deal with him... not you...
There's nothing wrong from disengaging from one child and not the other child, you treat the brat the way he treats you, he ignores you, you ignore him back... SS8 is polite and nice you are polite and nice
read the link below - no need to talk to SO about Hon simply start doing it.... remember you are not their mother and you never will be, also know this SS8 might turn on you in 2-3 years time, don't get to attached
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
When I got involved I thought
When I got involved I thought things would be very different. My SO had his kids young, so he's not that much older then me. I figured I could do this... I've always been mature for my age and I pretty much raised my younger brother after are mother walked out when I was 11. I really love my SO, but after the last two years of this I find myself longing for the peace and quiet I used to have when I lived on my own.
I know the age thing with the older kid comes into play, but he has other issues to. (Diagnosed ODD, ADD, and type one diabetic.)
I've invested so much time into these kids I feel that if I did walk out they wouldn't stand a chance. They're mother is very immature, and I'm the one who gets looked to for things like carb and insulin counting.
I even quit my job three months ago to look after them because bm pretty much dumped them on us. I did it to help So, but I regret it very much now. Everyone gave the regins over to me and now no one wants them back.
Ughh, I know it's my own fault but how the hell do you fix something like this? I don't want to hurt the boys because I'm the only stable thing they have.
Maybe try to find some common
Maybe try to find some common ground with the kid you can't stand. If that doesn't work, disengage.
It is different for me because I tend to like one more than the other in cycles. Lately I can't stand SS and he used to be my favorite.
My ss15 was 10 when I met
My ss15 was 10 when I met him. He is pretty much the most lovable person I've ever met.
My SD17 was 12 at the beginning. She is one of the most mind-blowingly abrasive people I've ever met.
So, yeah. You can feel 2 different ways. My sd is openly hostile to me, though, so I don't have much choice but to defend myself and disengage. A younger child who still "wants your attention," that's more complicated.
But I agree with Clever and others. You don't know it yet but you are up to your neck in quicksand. Sure, your bf is a great guy. But he is tossing his kids off on you. Whatever discomfort you are feeling now will be a hundred thousand times worse in 10 years. And you will be 10 years out of the job market by then.
Strongly recommend you tell your honey you've done what you could you are going back to work now please make other arrangements for child care.
Then remind yourself a thousand times a day for the rest of your relationship, "not my children, not my children."
I had a similar situation so
I had a similar situation so I know how you feel. I had a stepdaughter with my previous marriage whom I absolutely adored and a stepdaughter with my current marriage whom I have disengaged from. It really isn't about favoring one over the other it is more pretty much like any other person, you like someone because they like you back and they treat you well.
My SD17 ignores me and competes with me for her father's affection, money, ect. Absolutely no respect or regards for my feelings. Basically she could care less if I lived or died. So I basically tolerate her (which that is hard sometimes being that she is a very annoying negative person) and that is all the feelings I have for her.
My son's sister (previous marriage SD) was my friend, respected me, and had my back even when things with her dad went bad. I love her like my own and always will.
He's adolescent, he would
He's adolescent, he would annoy you even if he were your own Bio and when the 8 year old becomes a teen he will do the same things that his older brother is doing now that annoys you. When I get annoyed with SS5, I say to myself "is this a 5 year old thing or is this a stepkid thing?" If he's just acting like a regular five year old, I can make myself ignore it. If he's being rotten just because then I send him to his room to play quietly until his dad gets home then I check out for the rest of the night.