Need to break habits before they affect my marriage
How do you all deal with your philosophical differences, where parenting is concerned, in your blended families? Because our kids' (DH's two, 7-year-old twins, and my two, DS7 and DD6)similar ages, I get really frustrated when behavioral standards and expectations are so different. I know that each child is different and I have no trouble setting standards that all kids should be able to abide by, regarding basics- bedtimes and sleep-time etiquette, meals and food-related expectations and table etiquette, times for homework, etc. As a teacher it comes pretty naturally for me to constantly monitor whether these standards are being followed, and to maintain consistency, which I believe is very important when teaching children and expecting them to learn.
The problem? You already know, as I'm sure that most of you have dealt with variations on this scenario. My partner is not quite as concerned with being consistent and sometimes opts for the "easy road", SSs are excellent manipulators and choose to be extremely poor listeners, they are awful sleepers and eaters. Their neediness is unparalleled- it's as if they are unable to do anything on their own and they need constant attention and "coddling". Where my two wake up in the morning and read, draw, or do other quiet things in their rooms so that the rest of the people in our house can sleep, the twins wake up and immediately barge into our room with questions, and requests, or they wake each other up and talk loudly in their room. They do not know how to be quiet or courteous. When they are told to go back to their rooms and read or draw, they do so and come back up every ten minutes or so and keep asking for things until DH gives up and goes downstairs with them.
As the title of this post suggests, I am seeking advice. I'm having trouble finding balance between speaking to DH (and disciplining SSs) about these things (and many many others, which I've chosen not to bore you with as it would take PAGES) and just watching him continue to feed their behaviors. It is important that a certain amount of consistency be present, though, or else things become unfair for my kids, who behave in an entirely different manner as they've had a different upbringing! It's sad to see how frustrated DH gets with their behavior, yet I sometimes feel like he doesn't want my advice and I only offer it if he asks- this works during times when my kids are not around but when they are, it's hard to hold my tongue. And it sure will be interesting to see how we parent this new child, who will be born in July.
Last night, we had company. SSs threw themselves at our friends, thrilled to have "new blood" to get attention from...they showboated, ran the gamut in the attention-getting arena from talking in baby voices to being ebullient to sulking at the table when they didn't like what we were having for dinner (and I nearly lost my mind when DH asked me, "What are we giving the boys for dinner?". Ummmm....the same thing we're having for dinner! Like always! And our older friends, who I assumed because of their generation were of the mind that kids should taste little bits of everything and not have something short-ordered for them, actually asked the boys if they would like something different!!! Not an option in this house, I'm afraid- they get that constantly with BM). Made me want to pull my hair out. (BTW, what we had for dinner was pasta with broccoli, cheese, cannelini, and spinach in a chicken-stock and paremesan sauce, with a baked chicken breast on the side. Each child was given three cannelini beans and one leaf of spinach, they both love broccoli and chicken, and there was no reason I should have made them something different. If it was spicy chicken gumbo, or some really strange main dish, I would have them taste a little and give them a different option. Just so you know that I am not without flexibility. And bedtimes are sometimes adjusted for different events, they are allowed to have "picnics" sometimes so meals are not quiet, 1940's formal events.
Respectfully submitted from the sequester of my bedroom while DH and his sons are downstairs,
MJL 
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Ripley, DH is in a tough
Ripley,
DH is in a tough place right now, as he is looking for a job and he takes most of what I say, no matter how carefully thought-out and worded, as accusatory. Sometimes he agrees with me and I feel like we're on the same page, and other times he kowtows to them- feeding their desire for attention and hovering. I think the guilt (knowing that their mother is so horribly behaved and that they are victims of her whims when they're with her) makes him just want to show them unconditional love, making him blind to their ploys for attention. And like many people, the voices just blend in after a while- the first time they say something in baby voice, he will ask them not to- but if they do it again fifteen minutes later, he'll forget and answer whatever absurd thing they're asking. They talk to hear themselves talk, repeat the same questions several times, even after they've been answered, tell the same stories, ugh.
I do want what's best for his kids, but I'm exhausted from three years of wanting what's best for them, going above and beyond to try to make them feel loved and comfortable and accepted in this house, and from continually getting kicked in the teeth by their filthy BM and by their going back to her and telling her lies about things here. After these three exhausting years of dealing with a terrorist (BM) I have so little tolerance for this nonsense.
Thank you Ripley. I am going
Thank you Ripley. I am going to google 'conflict resolution'. I have taken steps toward disengagement, not even out of plan-out of necessity, as I feel myself shutting down more and more every time these kids are around. Right now I am famished but afraid to leave this room because I cannot feign pleasure or even indifference to their behaviors!! Something needs to change, and fast. This can't be good for anyone. I wish they'd go outside. Why should I always be the one to leave the house??
Stepaside, how do I get past
Stepaside, how do I get past things like his giving them the easiest (and of course most expensive) snacks? Do I hide food where he can't find it? And then when they won't eat at mealtimes, it will be his fault for giving in to their cries of hunger (but of course when they're offered fruit or veg for a snack, they don't want it- it *has* to be cheese and crackers or peanut butter- which I stock up on when I'm in my hometown because my home grocery store sells organic for MUCH cheaper than here- and therefore we fly through it and it may be months before I get home again. They went through a jar of it by themselves last weekend they were here alone (by 'alone' I mean that my kids were with their dad- DH was here with them, of course!!) because that's what they say they want to eat and he won't say, "Sorry boys, if you're hungry, you will eat some carrots with hummus."....so this all affects my life and my kids' lives whether or not I am disengaged.
And like just happened, when he told me that he was going to cook eggs for them again today, and I told him they had eggs yesterday (of course yesterday they asked HIM for chocolate chip pancakes, when he has NEVER made pancakes for them - I am the pancake-maker here) and I told him that if they would ask me for them I'd be glad to make them today) and I told him that we went through a dozen eggs yesterday and I got groceries for the week and need to make the eggs last so could they please eat something else, he got annoyed with me in front of the twin who followed DH up the stairs even though he had just asked him to go read a book or do SOMETHING for ten minutes. "You're so negative to them all the time. . Ok boys, guess you're eating cereal today. ." Then when I told him that I wouldn't have this conversation in front of a child, he sent him downstairs (of course twin was waiting right there, hoping to listen to whatever would be said) and told me that said twin just wanted to come up and say good morning to me- bs- this twin wanted to do whatever he could to not go READ LIKE HIS FATHER HAD ASKED HIM TO and DH didn't say a damn word to him about it!
That may be the longest run-on paragraph in the history of the world!! I think things may be worse than I thought. I have lapsed into stream-of-consciousness in order to communicate the thoughts swirling madly in my head. Thank you for bearing with me and thank you for your advice.
^^^this^^^^ i had to do this
^^^this^^^^ i had to do this with bd and sd. they were older, sd was 12 and bd was 10 when fdh and i got together. if your kids are able to understand, have a talk with them, that's what i did with bd. i told her that i knew things seemed really unfair, but this is why i do this and don't do that. sd pulled her shit every single night at dinner of waiting until i told bd she could have milk or water, then asking her dad if SHE could have pop or juice. he let her have what she wanted every single time. it was quite rewarding for me when sd had to have 9 cavities filled as opposed to bd never having a cavity at all. those are the ways you can teach your kids why you have certain rules. don't let his permissiveness wear you down. do what's right for your kids and if his kids get overweight and have cavities because of how he allows them to eat, well your point is proven without you having to say a word.
Unfortunately it seems as
Unfortunately it seems as though most Skids act the same way!!! And most Dads feel guilty and ignore the same way! What I did with my Steps: "if you want to speak in baby talk-I'm more than happy to oblige and treat you like a baby" I.e. Baby food jars strapped to a chair for meal time-no TV-n beatings ridiculously early with 2 naps a day...usually does the trick after just one day! My SS still slips up-but it's one of those choose your battle issues. I do occasionally still ask him how old he is and to speak like it though. As for the meal time poutiness-my SD still does this and she is given a specific time that she must be finished with her entire plate (because she is not given enourmous portions and like you-only one or two of the things she is not used to eating but are healthy foods) She is also told that if there is ANY pouting or her puppy dog face tactics-she goes to bed-end of conversation. This was agreed on after she had a kids meal from Whataburger-she said she didn't like the fries-so we just asked her to eat the chicken (which is TWO chicken strips.....) After THREE HOURS at the table and she was still not finished eating-her response to why haven't you finished your food yet was this: "YOU MEAN I HAVE TO EAT BOTH OF THEM!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" So we enforced the timed dinner and clean plate or straight to bed after that because it was DEFINATELY a fiasco that night!
In regards to repeating the same question over and over-I tell them that since they are asking questions that have already been answered that they must want the answer to change! Mind you this only works on questions like "When ate we going to the park?" and not "Do I have to clean my room?" ha!!
it is very difficult to get the husbands on board....and even harder to make them stick to it! So perhaps you should try another approach if the above will not work for your family. (I'm more of a-take matters into my own hands type person.) Just try rewarding YOUR children with abundant praise for all of the good things they do.....and leave all of the bad from your steps unspoken. Perhaps comments about good table manners "and I sure wish everyone chewed with their mouth closed" comments occasionally....just a thought!
But good luck!! Unfortunately it is the age and a direct reflection of their parents as to how they behave.....and it doesn't get easier-it will be a constant battle.....and GOD BLESS YOU during teenage years with 4 at one time......You might consider going on a 5 year vacation or something! Ha!
just try to stay positive and utilize this site for venting your frustrations! 
I had a lot of these problems
I had a lot of these problems when DH first moved into my house with his children. I got annoyed with the crap real quick. I have very mannerly children, and I don't have a lot of patience for a bunch of hooey.
What I did worked because I control a lot of what goes on in my house. It may or may not work for you. For one, I control all the finances. I'm also the facilitator for all fun activities. I work from home, so it just shakes out that I have time for it.
I didn't initially try to make a bunch of changes in his children's behaviors and routines. I just pointed out the differences, and I noticed right away he was defensive about them and made excuses. "SD9 does that because she has brain damage" and "SS13 does that because he is allowed to do it at his mother's house". Um, okay. So they're not able to meet the expectations that I have set for my kids? Bummer for them, because meeting the expectations is where privelages come from around here. Oh well, I'm sure you can explain it to them.
Basically when his kids were being coddled and allowed to behave badly, I refused to take them anywhere or include them in anything. I take my kids out to eat once a week or so, always have....we go to the public pool twice a week, to the occasional movie, and in the summer we go to the park and to festivals and open air markets...all kinds of stuff. I simply turned the behavior back around in his face. "I'm sorry, but the kids and I are used to a quiet dinner...DD8 gets very offended by poor table manners, and it ruins her dining experience, as it does mine. I'd rather not take SD9. But don't worry, I know SD9 can't help it...it's the brain damage. It's just that since she CAN'T behave, there's no sense in taking her. See you guys later. Hot dogs in the fridge for ya."
"We're headed to the pool! Oh, no, I didn't pack SD5's stuff...she refuses to wash her hair in the shower because she doesnt' want water on her face, so I don't think she'd be very comfortable at the pool. And of course SD9 can't listen and follow instructions because of the brain damage, so it wouldn't be safe to take her in the pool. She could drown! Bye!"
"We're going to go spend the day at the open air market! SS13 was up all night playing xBox again, so I know he is tired today and not up to walking around downtown all afternoon. Of course we can't take SD9. She might run out into traffic, bless her little brain damaged heart. And of course SD5 demands to ride in the stroller, but I'm using it for DD22 months, so I guess SD5 will have to stay here with you, too. Pity. Bye bye!"
And then I'd load my 3 up and take off. It only took about a dozen trips before he started figuring out that I wasn't going to argue or beg for support. I just wasn't going to spend time around brats, and he wasn't going to be invited to go do things with me and my kids because he was going to have to watch his own brats. He stopped making excuses for them and started setting a standard of behavior for them on his own. It took about a year and a half for him to get completely on board but it was worth it. Now his kids are amazingly able to do anything they put their minds to despite what they've been through and every other damn thing.
I agree with StepAside.
I agree with StepAside. Divide into what affects you and your kids and what does not. And know that the outcome is a compromise to save your household and your own sanity. And it's HARD !
I have struggled with this a lot myself. I find myself wanting DH to be a better parent so that SD will become a better person, be more sucessful in life. I want the same for him and SD that I want for my own kids and myself. I want DH to have a satisfying relationship with his kids. All that adds up to trouble when he doesn't share those same ideals.
Much of what I watched and complained about was me trying to help him be a better parent. I have finally stepped back and decided that isn't my job. He is a grown man and can certainly see for himself the outcome of his parenting. And choose to change it if he wants.
I only step in and voice my concerns when it affects me directly or my kids. Or if he asks.
And again I say...It's HARD. I feel like I am doing a disservice to our society to live with and allow such poor parenting.
I also have kids very close in age to SD. It makes it difficult not to notice differences in parenting. There is no 'age' difference to excuse things.