Us and them
I've been with my partner for almost 9 years. Since day 1 he used to criticise how I discipline my kids (son 21, daughter 10). Whatever the issue may be, he always exaggerates so as to make my kids look awful. on the other hand, he is always nice to his kids. Only my kids live with us and his kids come to our house every other weekend. He is always in competition with me on which kids behave best. My daughter considers him as her dad, since her bio dad is not in the picture. He loves her but the moment she misbehaves he overreacts and blames me for excusing her. what I actually do is that I point out to him that he does not react equally with his. if his kids do something wrong, then he speaks to them on his own secretly, whilst he scolds my daughter in front of everyone. i think this is unfair and we argue all the time over the same issue. The relationship between me and him is very respectful but he loses it over the smallest issues when it comes to my kids.
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How now that you get a
How nice that you get a respectful relationship with this man but your daughter has to learn that if she isn't "perfect" that men will just yell at her into submission.
Your SO is a bully if he is losing it on a kid, publicly, over the simplest things. You need to keep your daughter away from people who behave that way.
Or...your daughter is being brattier than you see because you're her parent. He may not be as big of an a-hole as you make him sound, and he's getting more and more frustrated about how your daughter acts, and you're too focused on tit-for-tat with his kids to work with her on her behavior.
Put bluntly, either he's a crappy partner because he bullies your daughter or you're a crappy parent who lets her get away with things that you shouldn't. Pick one.
The solution to this is to psrent your individual children publicly and discuss issues privately. His kids act like little a-holes? Go tell him to handle it. Every. Single. Time. And he does the same for you. Then privately you two can set boundaries and rules for how your respective kids treat you and yours in the shared household.
Finally, all because your SO spends a lot of time with your daughter and you daughter doesn't have an active father doesn't mean your SO should step in to play dad. He's still a SP, and he doesn't have to behave like a father with her. He also shouldn't be given carte blanche authority over her like a father would have if he is going to abuse it. You both need to step it up as parents to your respective children so that neither of you and your children are in position where their SP needs to have responsibility and authority over them.
This. It probably stings to
This. It probably stings to hear, but it is right on the money.
totally agree
I totally agree with your point of view. I can assure you that I am always on tip toes and the moment my daughter does something bad (like complaining to do the chores - nothing out of the norm - and she does them anyway), I immediately take action and give her a consequence. I believe in discipline and know that it is for the best for my daughter, however I feel like I have policing at my own house.
He is very playful with her when she's on her own, but the moment his kids arrive, he starts policing! however he is very understanding and closes an eye when it comes to his kids.
I am at a point where I cannot cope with this situation, as if I am never enough as a parent and he pretends to be the saviour.
Whenever I speak to him and ask him not to be so harsh with my daughter, he says I'm excusing her (which is not true) and it is not the first time he leaves the house for a couple of days, texting in the meantime. This is bullying !
Another point which bothers me a lot is that me and my kids always come last, he always defends his family (brothers, parents, his kids, his nephews), whatever the case might be. he makes me feel I'm the bad one...always
It's always easier to see
It's always easier to see other people's kids' bad behavior more clearly than you see that of your own kids.
So be honest with yourself about whether your daughter is behaving badly and you aren't addressing it properly. If you can honestly say that isn't the case, then tell your SO to stop parenting your kid and you will deal with it. Unless he adopts her, he's not her father, and someday she will resent you for allowing him to treat her badly.
You parent your kids
He parents his. He can still and will have a better chance at being a good male role model to her.