New to the forum!
Hey guys, I am new to the forum but needed someone to vent and hopefully a little input and advice as well. Please feel free to either pat me on the back and give me kudos or blast me but do give me some advice because at this point, I am reaching out. Here goes! I have a rather unique situation. I have been with my BF for 9 years. We can not get married for several reasons, mainly financial (my husband was killed many years ago). I still have my own home and he has his. I have four children, all now grown, have college degrees and out on their own! He has two girls and an ex from hell. They share 50/50 custody. The older one and her baby lives with her BF family so no longer a huge issue. The younger is 16 and OMG! I do not mind kids at all but there is no respect at all, extremely lazy slob, she has blasted me on FB and in public, as has her mom and said extremely ugly and hurtful things. Dad tip-toes around things because he is afraid she will go live permanently with mom and ream his ass for mega support. Half the time, she doesn't go to school because mom works in a dr office and will get excuses. Mom has been letting her do sleep overs with her boyfriend since the age of 14 (dad does put his foot down there but she runs to mom's) the list goes on and on. I can't say hardly anything, even innocent things because the daughter reports everything to mom. If she doesn't like it, she comes to dad's house and tries to 'whip my ass'.
I have been quietly dealing with all this because he keeps telling me there is end in sight. I know that as soon as she graduates, that black cloud of the ex will be gone and the kid will be out the door as well. The downside is, this last argument we had about the daughter breaking into his key locked room (we had to do this because they were taking my clothes and his money) and his daughter blasting me again, he told me to butt out and mind my own business. I was SO mad! After nine years and me pretty much living there, raising his kid, that IS my business. He also started throwing up my parenting with my own kids. Not cool. Needless to say, I am glad I have my own house. I have taken the relationship back a few notches for sure.
Any advice on how to survive the last year of dealing with this kind of crap? All in all, he is a good man and we get along great in every other way. I know he loves his girls and wants to keep a relationship with them but.......
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As much as we would all love
As much as we would all love it if the ex's disapeared on the skids 18th birthday- that won't ever happen. Like it or not, there will always be entanglement with skids and the other parent. -- Think long term- graduations, weddings, grandbabies, holiday's, etc.
If SD16 is hell bent on making you miserable, she proabably won't stop. Unless she is going out of state for college (which skipping school and sleepovers with her BF don't make it sound like much of a possibility) she probably isn't going to magically stop coming over for 50/50 once she does/if she graduates high school.
If I were in your shoes, at least for now.. I would have your BF stay at your house the weeks he doesn't have his kid. The weeks he does, he can go home and they have have that time for the 2 of them and save your sanity. This puts you in control of your home life again and takes the power that SD16 has away from impacting your life. Not saying you can't join them for a dinner or fun day out and about, but don't "live" or stay there while she is.
I am beginning to see your
I am beginning to see your point. I used to stay there to 'help' him with his kid but it is hurting us. I am backing things up and staying at my own house. Because of the recent ugliness and harsh, hurtful words from skid, I don't even want to be around her for dinners or anything else. I am currently having some severe health issues and this is about to put me over the edge so I am going to choose myself for a change. I go to his house while she is sleeping with her BF at mom's house. Peace and quiet!
Welcome
First I want to say welcome! This is a great place to vent and see that you are not alone. Secondly, kudos for keeping your own place.
And finally, not to burst your bubble, but the nightmare hell does not end when they turn 18. I know we all think that and use that magical date as the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don’t want you to be surprised when nothing changes. Yes eventually the CS will stop but the money grab continues. Then the kids who have never been taught respect or any real responsibility are unable to adult. So you either have grown children still living and sponging off thei parent or they start having their own kids (who they can’t afford) and use them as pawns to keep daddy under control.
Im not saying this to me mean...I just want you to look at what you are actually getting out of this 9 year relationship. And hoping or thinking it will all miraculously change overnight when they are 18 is false.
That is one of my big fears.
That is one of my big fears. I taught all of mine to get an education, cook, clean, work and be on their own. His are not being taught that. I do not relish the thought of raising lazy adults and I will NOT. I told him this and he said they will not be coming back home (with babies). Guess we will see.
My goodness that's stressful.
My goodness that's stressful...
I know you don't want advice... But if BM shows up wanting to "whip your ass" I'd probably call the cops and say someone is there threatening you... That's just worrying for your safety! please tell me she's never actually hit you!
Keep us updated and good luck!!!
Actually, yes, looking for
Actually, yes, looking for advice. I didn't grow up in a broken home. I lived a very sheltered life and was brought up to work hard and when you fly the coop, you are on your own. I am an extremely strong woman but due to health reasons, no longer work. I don't have many people to confide in because I don't want to share with family so you all are my new shoulders and ears. Thanks for listening and giving me the advice I seek.
I am glad you have your own
I am glad you have your own house, too.
In all honesty, do you really think you only have another year of two of this? I foresee there always being an issue and the reality that your BF will most likely lash out at you.
If he is afraid to put his
If he is afraid to put his daughter in her place, now, he will be afraid later. Her graduating and being on her own, won't necessarily change anything.
His fear may stem partially from child support, but you will find out after that is over, that it's more than likely, the fear of her not wanting a relationship with him, if he doesn't bend to her will. And that is not a relationship but more of an emotional hostage situation. He has to make the choice if he is going to allow that or not. And, it sounds like he is okay with it.