HELP bio baby due in Jan- don’t get along with step teens
Hey everyone
New and desperate here. Myself and my husband who have been together 13 years are expecting a baby girl in January it's our third baby together. He had 2 from previous marriage
back ground: 13 years ago husband couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me/ex wife ( I was none the wiser) anyway messy and complicated but we have built a life together but have always been the outcasts of the family. Husbands ex is best friends with husbands sister and mum we have a very distant strained relationship however Iv grown to not let it bother me, ex is very much victim on all accounts has caused problems with eldest step son, forcing her opinions on him, winding situations up
Step son has said things like we were kicking him out of his bedroom to have another baby... reality: he had asked us to convert our garage to a mini flat for him and we agreed. safe to say that didn't happen after all the trouble caused
We saved very hard and brought step son a car with zero thanks and a disrespectful call from mum to say she thought it was appalling we were only covering half the insurance as well..
when we announced baby girl eldest step sons response was " again"
step sons were going on holiday with mum to Greece, my husband and I booked a holiday to a different part of Greece on the same week as my husband always misses his children so we booked a very baby friendly holiday for our two. step son lost his mind about being left out!
step son works for a family buisness myself and husband own, step son helped us save for his car by taking an additional wage that would be less tax for us to pay as we were over threshold..
step son said he wanted proof off all this money, where the tax was going and accused of being dodgey.
He visits when we go for Sunday lunch at the weekend, a free paid for meal on us apart from that unless he needs something from me both him and his brother do not say a single word to me from the second they enter the house to when they leave,
Initially when I met them age 4 and 5 the relationship was strained due to mum, auntie and nan not liking my husbands decision, however I persevered and made a lot of effort. After 3 years they began to warm to me, it worked well and I had them in my care through all half terms do mum could work/ although we have never spoken. She can't break the victim streak!
baby being due I feel quite vunerable and am not sure if I want 2 children who ignore me at the hospital. I do however desperately want my own 2 very excited children to visit please note my children are much younger (4 and 6), I'm fully aware that I don't want anyone to be left out but I feel beyond worried at the thought of an emotional time being even worse with the worry and anxiety of 2 older teens who ignore me.
im at the point I don't know how to remotely approach eldest step son on his wild accusations let alone have him in a place where I will be super vulnerable,
ps need to stay in due to baby withdrawal on meds I'm on,
thank you in advance for all your help, suggestions and comments xx
ps both step sons visited for 2 other siblings births but that was when they spoke to me and eldest step son wasn't a whirlwind of accusations
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Comments
Welcome to Steptalk!
My first piece of advice from someone who has been in this pickle for 10 years and on here for 7, is to read around on here and look at the forums too. You have been in this for longer than I and with the added complexity of having children in the mix.
This didnt happen overnight and it wont be fixed overnight. It sounds from your post that there is a lot of family of origin toxicity as well as very strong parental alienation going on. It also sounds like you have tried catering to the bratola SS for a long time and he feels like he has all the power, because no repercussions.
So, that being said, what does your husband think of all this? What is his take on it? Have you talked about all this stress that you are feeling? I would start there and see what he has to say.
Has he parented his children from the toxic BM? Or spoken to the kids about their behavior? Shunning is a form of abuse. If they walk into YOUR home they need to acknowledge you and be polite. The fact that they get away with shunning you, means they are in fact NOT being parented IMHO.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for replying! Sorry to hear your going through this. Husbands stance is basically embarrassment. Also thank you for acknowledging the years of allowances your right I'm done with it. Husband knows it's unacceptable, knows this would destroy a marriage without our mutual children and buisness. Your right about the power he must feel extremely powerful. He is very spoilt as you can imagine but I have decided that the next time he looses it again which is likely to be on our family holiday in August... he is 18 years old and I have no idea why he is coming, missing his friends, car and drugs to spent 10 days with us.... I plan to start asking him to pay his own phone bill, he won't deal well spending his own money he only likes to spend ours, he even says he eats more and orders more when he is out with us and less with his mum as she can't afford it....
Husband knows it's
When they think you can't leave or won't leave .... they have very little motivation to turn their lackluster behavior around
Do what you need (with regards to boundaries) to meet your needs / regain peace you desire
If my math is right they 17
If my math is right they 17-18 years old now? I'd say drop the rope and give them what they want, no longer coming over. They have been poisoned by a he women in the family, DH come from an evil coven of women that you need to keep far away. You can't have a normal family life with these people so stop trying. Focus on your bios and making your home a sanctuary. DH can see his older two outside of the home. Stop inviting drama into your life. Disengagement with them. They are DH's baggage to handle. That's my advice.
Thank you for responding,
Thank you for responding, your right they are 17-18 and I have started to drop the rope I don't say hello myself now because of the advise I picked up on here. Why should I be ignored? Its starting to show that now they feel uncomfortable however instead of thinking if I'm nice and polite this won't happen they just continue to ignore and play victim like mum. Dad panders to both beyond belief... disengaging is working for me however DH makes comments like " you wouldn't give up on your own children" my reply is always "'my children wouldn't behave like this and if they did there would be consequences " DH repeatedly puts it down to age and hormones but quite frankly I'm at the end. Only a matter of time before my children start thinking whether they want mum to be ignored as it is so obvious, it would never be from me that my children realise the break down , they do a very good job of this themselves, I really appreciate your comment about creating a sanctuary, it breaks my heart for my babies as they adore their brothers: of course they are so loving and kind to them except when it comes to sharing eldest step son (18) seems to have a very big problem sharing food etc with the younger ones. Even when he is reminded by the youngest that caring is sharing
You wouldn't give up on your
You wouldn't give up on your children? I'd ask him why he gave up on his. Your biggest problem is him, DH. Draw your boundaries around your home and bios.
step sons were going on
well if husband booked same week and same area where he knew his son would be then it's assumed he may have intended to include him but for whatever reason did not? And if he knew y'all were there same time nearby and didn't invite him I could see where he'd feel excluded.
Probably shouldn't have told him your itinerary unless there was no doubt he'd be able to tag along at some point too. Can't get mad over something you don't know about.
This is YOUR birthing experience, your baby, your time so you decide who gets to be there
Don't let anyone shame, guilt, bully you
And don't give invites until last minute so no one can try to guilt you ahead of time.
If all else fails just lie and say COVID restrictions so only x amount (just enough for your household only) of people allowed
Thank you so much. Covid is a
Thank you so much. Covid is a great excuse I think I might use it. I don't want to exclude anyone I just remember from the last 2 exactly how vulnerable I felt.
our aim by booking holiday that we actually didn't end up going on was to ensure he didn't feel left out ( he was on a cruise with mum) due to the age gap of our children him being 18 and my child at the time 4 we struggle to find activities for both ages so this was our youngest children's time to have fun doing something they could enjoy whilst they got to do an adult cruise with there mum. It's hard to keep everyone happy we assumed same country, same week they wouldn't feel like they were missing out compared to going somewhere they hadn't experienced before. Also they were also going with my husbands entire family. Their nan, aunt cousins etc something my children had no issue with. It seems it doesn't matter what we do if we aren't at home doing nothing but wait for him- he isn't happy.
Thank you so much again for replying
due to the age gap of our
the older kids might not mind as long as they know upfront that everything is going to be G rated ...
My bio was 18 and on the rare moments my ex Disneyland partner brought his younger spawns along I did tell kiddo that these family events are G rated for everyone's enjoyment
Of course there was a minor protest but relented in the end and enjoyed the general audience entertainment.
But I could see where longer events would be more beneficial for age group
welcome to teen life ... and step life .... double whammy of attitudes, mood swings, debates, making mountains out of molehills, etc .... whew!!!!
You get to decide who is at the hospital when you give birth.
You get to decide who is at the hospital when you give birth - period, the end. If you don't want them there, and I can understand why you wouldn't, then they don't get to be there. They can meet the new sibling when you get home. Have this out with your DH now, and let the nurses know when you arrive at the hospital.
I'm pretty sure the only
I'm pretty sure the only person who wants the skids at the maternity is their father. At their age, frankly, few kids would be interested in being there. Why would they? They can meet the baby after you return home without leaving the comfort their lairs.
Smack him with a defamation suit. That will get him to STFU.
Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream. Cough, cough.
As for the toxic failed family StepSpawn visiting you at the hospital. No solves that problem. They will not let them in to see you or the baby if you let the hospital staff know.
Make sure DH knows you are putting them on the stay TF out list.
Time for toxic SS to be released from employment with your family business. DH has to know that his loyalty is to you and his minor children and you and your children are his priority.
These are not young Skids. These are borderline SKidults. One is already 18 by the ages you quoted above 13 years ago and the other is about a year from the age of majority.
Take care of you. Protect you and your little ones. The SKids... can rott until they learn to behave reasonably and respectfully toward their father, you, and their younger sibs. MIL, SIL, and BM, can rott in hell IMHO. Write the Hag Harpy squad trio off and keep them the hell away from your little ones, and your family including your DH. If he does not enforce boundaries, then you have to do it.
I would.
Congrats on the baby.