A listening ear or advice
So my story. Currently me and boyfriend of 2 years are on a break or broke up I'm not sure at this point. I'll lay out our story first. He has a kid from a previous relationship that was ended when the kid was only months old. Bio mom is high conflict and likes to be in control. Got to say she's not so bad lately. Boyfriend don't mention my name or act like I even exist when they communicate. He's never actually even said my name in a text their main communication. If she says something totally untrue and degrades he don't even try to tell her it isn't true. So over the past year we had a few arguments about me feeling left out and that making me feel like I'm his hidden gf. His answer is always I'm keeping the peace. Finally he agreed that he understands and it's not fair. So he said he would change that and be honest from now on. He usually runs to his house for pickup so she won't know he was at my house with his son. So this week he said when she text I'll tell her I'll drop him off because we aren't home that we are at your house..... he didn't do it. When I asked why he said I didn't give you a timeline. We basically live at my house except for pickup or drop offs. Which he does on his own. Do you think this is normal for me to be in both their lives for 2 years and still playing the "can't mention you to the ex yet card". She knows I'm there the kid is 3 and says my name all the time. She's in a new relationship and currently pregnant so I don't see why he thinks she would care. I love them both dearly and can't imagine not spending my life with them. What do I do? He said he needs a break. Does this sound like a break or breakup?
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He said he needs a break.
He said he needs a break. Does this sound like a break or breakup?
Why don't you decide. What do you want to do? Two years is a long time for this bull. If he is so worried about "keeping the peace", you are in for a long, frustrating road and it won't just be about keeping you hidden. Men like this basically let BM run their lives.
Trying to get my head around it
All the blogs I've read says the first 2-3 years is a struggle. It's hard having a third person inserted and kinda controlling how our relationship works. That's what I'm wondering is this just the beginning or am I setting my heart up for disappointment. I'm not going to lie I love him and I love his son and I just wanna make sure I'm making a rational decision to wanna work on our relationship or to walk away now while he already called the break.
I'm not sure where you read
I'm not sure where you read that the first 2-3 years is a struggle, that wasn't my experience. If anything the early years were easier because that was when you were really "in love" and everything seemed wonderful.
BM isn't controlling anything - your BF is making a choice to keep these secrets. He's the problem here, not SS or BM. If he's not man enough to be honest with his ex about his relationship, then he's not ready to be in one.
Look at the facts
He is putting BM first. You are third.
He rather break up with you then tell BM he's with you.
BM is in control
How many years are you going to put up with . I don't want to upset BM. But it's ok to upset you.
Hate to say this. This man is not ready for a new relationship, when he still in his mind has a relationship with the ex
Thanks for the replies. I don
Thanks for the replies. I don't blame the biomom I do blame him. He's the only one that can or could of fixed the problem. It's just sad and hard to let go when every other part of our relationship is great. Like I said when biomom isn't around, calling or texting our relationship is amazing. Relationship with the kid is amazing we both just adore each other. If only he could see that him acting like I don't exist for her is too much for me to handle. I even tried to ask him why so I can understand from his point so we can figure it out. He has no answers only " it's not intentional or no reason it just didkt pop in my head to say your name". Sometimes it's hard to walk away even when you have all the facts and past actions in front of you.
I'm someone who is not good
I'm someone who is not good at compartmentalizing - how do you let go of your resentment at how he treats you in regard to BM, enough to feel like everything else is "amazing"? It's such a huge thing and it's happening all the time.
I think you need to see that this man is NOT amazing - he really isn't. He might have some fine qualities that you like in a man, but the overall picture is way lower than "amazing".
That explains why we are
That explains why we are broke up because I can't let it go either. It's not fair to me and I couldn't deal with it anymore. The only reason I say amazing other wise is because if it wasn't because of this big problem it would be. I feel you are right the problem does outweigh the good. I like to give people the chance to discuss and fix issues once they know about them but I need to accept that change isn't being worked on and my mental health is more important than a relationship that won't change.
If the kid is talking to his
If the kid is talking to his mother about you, then you aren't a secret. She knows that you exist. She isn't intruding in your relationship. She isn't withholding the kid. That means she doesn't care one bit that you are in the picture.
That woman doesn't ever have to see or acknowledge you. It's possible that she has told your boyfriend that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you AND THAT IS FINE.
My son's dad had several GFs that I never met. Hell, the only woman my son ever met was his wife. To be honest I never felt the NEED to meet any of them because I trusted his father's judgment in regards to who he would have around our kid.
You should ask yourself why you feel the NEED to be seen by someone that isn't the least bit interested in seeing or meeting you.
I get what you are saying....
I get what you are saying....,,I don't know if the kid talks to him mom about me he barely puts a sentence together. I don't feel the need to meet her or be seen by her. I just need my bf to stop pretending I don't exist. There's a big difference. I'm ok with not being part of pick up/ drop offs etc but we are basically living at my house and he acts like I don't exist.
you
dodged a bullet! DO NOT go back into this situation and DO NOT view it as some sort of failing on your part.
DO NOT fall for any sweet talk to get you back so he can have free maid and nanny service.
DO NOT have an "ours" child....will be SO much worse.
JUST KEEP RUNNING. find a nice partner with NO kids!!!
Ten years in, I can attest
Ten years in, I can attest that being invisible will change you so deeply, and not in a way that you'll be proud of. Please think about who you are internally, and how much you are allowing to be wrecked in your own values over this man who won't make you his actual partner. I hope you get to look your friends and family in the eye in a few months and be proud of yourself for handling this misstep in choosing a "true love", and you have some better plans for your own awesome future. The hard work of being done with him is much less damaging than learning to live in crazy town.
So true. It's so weird that
So true. It's so weird that you have to get used to being invisible in a part of your life that is so huge. Even being a bio mom to your own kids, you still have to be invisible in a big way.
You have to look at the signs
You have to look at the signs and make that decision. I'm 18 years in, married with our own 2 children but honestly, if I could turn back time I would have left him. The hard part is that you hold on to hope and you can never tell what the future holds. Look at the signs in front of you now and decide if that's the future life you want.