Is there hope for our relationship if he doesn't like my son?
I am the mother of two, a three year old boy from my previous relationship and a 1 year old girl from my current relationship. I love my boyfriend very much, he is the sweetest, most thoughtful and amazing man, except for one thing. He doesn't like my son. We've discussed the topic many times, and he told me before that he may resent Max (my son) because he reminds him of my previous relationship. We concluded by deciding that I would give him more time to explore his feelings and figure out his resentments, but it's been two years now and not much has changed. Just last night, he seemed a little mopey and of course I asked what was wrong. His response was "honestly?". Of course I told him to continue. He said that he was a little upset that he had to watch Max on Sunday because it was his day off and he wanted to relax. I wa so furious and we haven't spoken a word since. I feel like he isn't trying hard enough, and I find it crazy that he would even tell me something like that. It makes me really sad for Max, he is the sweetest little boy and EVERYBODY else (including his family ) fights to spend time with him but he views it strictly as a chore. What could I suggest that he do to make this work out? I really want this relationship to work out more than anything, except if I have to have a family that won't blend together. Is there hope?
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maybe there are too many
maybe there are too many expectations being placed on your bf? the ladies on this board are told over and over again that their dh's should not expect them to parent their children from other relationships, that those children have a mother and a father, and that "blending" takes alot of time (YEARS), if EVER. it seems these expectations that their dh's have make these ladies resentful and over-burdened. why was your bf watching your child? did he volunteer for that particular job? did he also watch your daughter? i know the advice we are given is for the bio parent take FULL responsibility for child. some ladies absolutely refuse to "babysit" their step child.
that being said, if you have your son full-time (custodial) it would be kinda hard to send your son to a sitter while your daughter stayed home. my advice would be clear cut if you didn't have a child with your bf: he should never be "expected" to love your son, as long as he's kind and protects him from harm. but i admit to being stymied as to how this would be accomplished with his own child in mix (who he should absolutely be responsible for). there are some very smart ladies here. maybe they can give you more insight. good luck.
We've lived together for 2
We've lived together for 2 years. I have sole custody but share time 50/50 with his bio father. U have him1 week in, 1 week off. We work pretty opposite schedules so that we can avoid child care ( his idea ). Are you saying that when it's his turn to watch our kids he should watch just the one we have together and I should find a sitter for max? I think it's telling max that he doesn't get to stay home because todd doesn't like him and makes him feel like he's not really part of the family.
I agree qith cocoa, maybe he
I agree qith cocoa, maybe he feels like why isn't your sons Biodad stepping up or you getting a sitter. I have the expectation that if my SO doesn't want to keep an eye on my kids and make sure their homework is done, dinner made etc I will do what I would if SO and I weren't together. I'd been on top of my kids a lot by cell phone check homework when I got home and have my kids check each others bags for homework and make their own dinners (not they are older than yours 11 and 16) or ask my parents to take them for a bit pop in and check on them as right now there are some huge issues that would keep me from having their dad do that. Though prior to recently I would of had him do it.
I don't expect my SO to take on my responsibilities, but I'd rethink my relationship if he resented my kids as a reminder I had a life before him that's kinda childish and manipulative and screams jealousy and not normal jealousy. That is all MY opinion of course and maybe he's really resentful that he feels you've made him responsible for a child who has a dad that should be doing what he's doing and it pisses him off.
I would just har a hard time
I would just har a hard time putting someone before my son who doesn't care about my son
Whether your son is a good
Whether your son is a good kid or not is irrelevant to me. If the roles were reversed and Sunday was YOUR only day off, you can honestly say that you wouldn't be even a little resentful of feeling like you HAVE to watch someone elses child or that someone else is going to have a hissy fit?
No offense, but the way I see it, it's not Max that is making your SO resentful, it is you. If all of your family and friends love Max, why not ask one of them to watch him on Sunday? It almost sounds like you just expect that your SO will watch him and I can't blame him for being resentful.
How is that supposed to make
How is that supposed to make max feel when todd will stay home an watch our daughter but my son needs to be shipped off? That's sad, and I DO NOT think I'm failing as a parent. I'm on here asking for help and advice, and it seems you are just out to use your Anonymi to be a jerk. Seriously?
Wow, you better pull up your
Wow, you better pull up your big girl panties if you think I was just being a jerk, because honey, you will get eaten alive by other posters on this site.
I guess I'm a jerk, because I was trying to tell you that some of the problem may lie with YOU. I'm going to copy and paste a post that I just read today from the other side of the coin..... maybe, just maybe you can see what I am saying in that sometimes people feel resentful when they feel FORCED to be responsible for other people's children.... and this is probably one of the most common recurring gripes on this site (other than BM drama)
How Do I Get Out of This
Submitted by allinall on Thu, 08/23/2012 - 9:46pm
I work from home and I have kept my SS8 yesterday and today. I don't feel like doing it tomorrow and next week. I feel like I'm being taking advantage of. I have to kick and scream to get my husband to help me with stuff, but it's like he just expects me to do everything for his kid like it's my bio child. I hate to keep bringing up my pregnancy, but I'm hot and uncomfortable and don't feel like babysitting. To me, that is a perk of working from home...being on my own time. Plus I have some errands I need to run and I don't feel like dragging my SS around. I don't feel like an argument with my H, but I really don't feel like being his babysitter. If I say I don't feel up to it, I'm going to have deal with his freaking attitude and I don't need the stress right now. Give me something to say to him to keep the peace ladies.
^^^well said!
^^^well said!
I would phrase it like this
I would phrase it like this to Todd (and delete the real names for your own anonymity)
.. If we split up how would you feel if another woman decided she did not like our daughter? That she sees our daughter as a reminder of of our relationship.
You have a family who fight for your son. So ask them to watch him. They are immediate relatives and not your boyfriend. He has no legal rights to your son and if he got hurt and ttook him to the ER he legally cannot sign consent to treat.
Best comment ever.
Best comment ever.
"I would just har a hard time
"I would just har a hard time putting someone before my son who doesn't care about my son". Where did he say he didn't care? He said he resents being responsible for SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD!
Too often here it is OUR child when it comes to responsibility & MY child when it comes to authority.
I never minded "babysitting" SD because I had full rights/authority as a parent - a lot of others here unfortunately don't. I raised her as my own; it didn't feel like watching someone else's child. Since it seems it does to your SO, I think you need to take a look at how much authority you give your SO.
I'm a step mom too and am
I'm a step mom too and am pregnant with my own (don't have any of my own yet). My husband was a single dad when I met him but his kids went with BM on weekends. I can say I looked forward to and still do that time. I embraced his children at first and they call me mom and have since early in our relationship, but now I want distance. I've become disengaged and have adopted the "your kids" attitude. My H wants me to tote them with me when I go somewhere like the store or my friend's house, but no thanks. There is really no reason for it I can explain, it's just hose are HIS kids. Regardless of the fact they reside in our home M-F, the reality is they will never be my kids and I feel I made a mistake by taking that role at first. I can empathize with Todd completely because once our child is born, of course ours will be there full time, but yours will go on weekends. He mentions he wants them to stay at times, because he feels they aren't treated well there. You have to respect your BFF's feelings if you want it to work.
Understood. Thank you
Understood. Thank you
I think you probably
I think you probably shouldn't have waited TWO YEARS to address this.
You had a kid before you met him. Kid has a dad and a mom and they share time 50/50. Yay.
You have new BF, new baby. That kid has a dad and a mom and they live together.
Your BF is NOT responsible for your son. You and baby daddy are. You equate him not wanting to be your free babysitter as "not caring" about your son. That is huge projection on your part and it isn't fair to him.
If this bothers you, y'all should have waited before bringing ANOTHER baby into the mix. Ugh.
Ok well a few have offered
Ok well a few have offered great advice but some have been pretty cold and make assumptions and judgements about my situation. Thanks for nothing to the latter, and I am grateful for those who really tried to help me.
I can't see the point in
I can't see the point in shipping one kid off and letting the other one stay home. If your son was 10 and an utter terrorist who disrespected your SO and acted like a hellion, then yeah. Or if your SO was always having to babysit and never got a break, I could see him resenting having to give up his day off to watch someone else's kid. But I'm just not getting that from your post.
I couldn't be with someone who didn't like my child. I wouldn't expect them to think the sun rose and set on my child, or that my child was the cutest kid on earth, and was always right, and should always get his way. I would expect my child to be respectful and kind to my SO, and if my SO couldn't feel the same way towards me and my child, then I wouldn't be able to be with him.
I think that so many of the stepparents on here started out being caring and compassionate toward their skids, and I think, if the children had not had birth parents who allowed/encouraged them to treat their stepparents horribly, they reallly could have had a happy blended family.
But the world will never know.