Advice about something not related to step parenting......
Okay so I dont have a ton of girlfriends hence why I am writing a blog about this. I am kind of shy and I dont like to get into peoples business. I was wondering if anyone on here might want to lend their personal experiences to me or advice about something I am not sure how to handle. I work in a very very small company only six people work in the office. One girl is really close to my age she is 21. She has a boyfriend been together 6 months and he seems like a complete loser from what I have heard but again I dont get involved not my life so I keep my mouth shut. This girl came in 2 weeks ago with a bruise on her face........she tells me they got into a fight and he hit her. My immediate reaction that went through no social filter was complete disgust and surprise. My mouth was hanging open and I didnt know what to say. She says well its not that serious it was an open palm!!!!!!!!?? (whats wrong with this girl) :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: So another female that works here is a lot older than us but she has known this girl since she was eight. This girl told her as well and she took the necessary steps to get the girl out of this place she was living in with her boyfriend. I thought she would be okay. Turns out she has gone back. I leave my opinion out but I am little worried about her safety. This morning she came in saying last night he was calling her whore, slut, stupid, and get this she says its her fault because she is on birth control and it makes her moody. The older woman had surgery last week and wont be back for five more so I dont think anyone will be stepping in. I am worried that he will seriously hurt her but I am not sure what to do. Should I pull her aside tell her how I feel or let it simmer since its really none of my business?? Just wondering what other peoples perspective is.
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I think you can tell her you
I think you can tell her you are concerned for her safety -- tell her you know that she and you aren't really close, but you do know that nothing she did -- no matter what it was -- deserves the type of behavior that her boyfriend is doing to her -- and call it like it is -- verbal, emotional and physical abuse -- and it will only escalate. And that she needs to get out before it escalates to the point where he harms her even further to the point of hospitalization or even killing her.
Quickly read some information on how to discuss domestic violence with someone. Obviously she has a place to go because the other woman was able to get her some place else. But she needs to know that nobody deserves the kind of treatment that she is getting -- absolutely nobody deserves to be hit or verbally abused. And it will only get worse -- I know from experience it will only get worse. And she needs to get out now.
She may not be in an
She may not be in an emotional or mental place to receive help from you right now, but you would regret not talking with her. I would just pull her aside and say you noticed she hadn't been herself lately. You want to avoid saying accusing things like "he's sounds like scum to me and you'd be better off without him" because she might try to defend him.
If she blows you off, you can conclude with "well, if there is ever anything I can do for you or if you need to talk, please let me know".
Thanks ladies thats where I
Thanks ladies thats where I am at. I told her before when he initially hit her this relationship is toxic. I just kept saying relationship not her bf's name or her name just the relationship. I did not want to say accusing things (thanks siferra I agree) because I did not want her to defend him and have her thinking of all the reasons she loves him. That would be counterproductive but I hear her talking about it and I am like does she not realize how psychotic this all sounds. Calling names and being physical is not something I would call love. And then the other woman are telling her exactly what I am thinking and she says things like i love him and its all me im moody from birth control I was like ooo I hope she gets out before he takes her out.
I would pull her aside, state
I would pull her aside, state my concerns for her, maybe give a pamphlet or phone number as a previous poster said. I would also plead for her to NOT have a child with this man!
The only thing you can do is
The only thing you can do is be there for her. I've actually talked to a lot of people in battered women's shelters and there is one thing that all the women have in common: extrememly low self-esteem. They don't believe they deserve better due to whatever they may have experienced in their childhood (physical abuse, rape, emotional neglect...) so they have an extremely difficult time leaving their abusers. You have to be prepared for the fact that she will probably leave him and go back many times. She will give excuses for his behavior, often blaming herself and the cycle will just continue. It's extrememly frustrating to have a friend you know is being abused by their SO but being there for her is the biggest thing she needs. Voicing your opinion in the matter is definitely something I encourage because she needs to know it's not okay and that you do not approve. But also let her know that you are there if she needs the help. I'm not sure how much involvement you want in this considering she is a coworker but if you feel comfortable giving her your phone number, it may help to know she has someone she can call if things go badly one night. Domestic violence is a cycle and it always gets worse with each time it's allowed to continue. The abuser will hurt his victim, apologize, a sort of "honeymoon" period ensues, then it goes right back to the beginning. As time goes by, the abuse gets worse and the "honeymoon" period gets shorter until it finally is non-existent. Each time she comes to you, let her know about this. I'm sure even if she won't admit it to you, she will see a pattern like this happening with him. Finally, working on her self-esteem is also what she needs in order to get out. She needs to know she deserves better and that she can find it. Most think they either can't find someone better or they feel the abuse they are getting now is less than the previous person they were with so they tolerate it. Remind her that violence is never the way to solve anything and put it into perspective for her by asking her what she would do if the tables were turned and it was a friend coming to her who was being abused. Ask her what she would think and do in that situation. Good luck!
that is true -- I guess with
that is true -- I guess with it being an office relationship -- I am remembering the office relationship/friendship I had with a woman who was in an abusive relationship -- it was awful. She wouldn't leave and I felt like I was talking until I was blue in my face -- then to top it all off we ended up not being friends in the end. There is a lot of information out there these days for women going through domestic violence ---- lots of great advice here.
Call and report a domestic
Call and report a domestic violence situation. Let the police haul the asshole off.
IMHO of course.