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Reluctant about taking in step daughter--

marijo's picture

Submitted by marijo on Mon, 08/10/2009 - 4:30pm

I have been married for more than 10 yrs now. Husband had a daughter who is 19yrs old still trying to graduate highschool. She either left or she get kicked out of her home by her mother on two occasions. I am not sure because my husband treats me like an outsider when it comes to her or her mom. She is now with friends and my husband blames her mom for her relocation. She vacationed with me for one month last summer and i thought every thing was okay until she left and has never contacted me. During this time I observed things that I was not too happy with but I swallowed my opinions. This morning my husband approched me with the request to take her in. I refused due to the fact that my marriage is on very shaky ground. I am not sure if it is repairable. But, we are trying. I am not sure if bringing her in is a good thing. I witness her manipulating my husband over and over. He seems to be powerless in front of her and my kids come second. I witness her negatively influencing my yound kids. To make a long story short, during a long discussion with my husband this morning after a very nice weekend, he informed me that if I am thinking of a possible reconciliation, I have to keep in mind that his daughter shall be included and taken in. I still refuse and offer to support her financially by either renting her a place or having her staying with a trusted relative. He started attacking my personality. It is as if I was given an altimatum. What do I do in this case?.

Comments

Crizzle's picture

Submitted by Crizzle on Mon, 08/10/2009 - 4:41pm

ultimatum. And you should have a say as to what goes on in your own home. She is 19 and legally an adult. You are not responsible for her nor should you be. Hubby is telling you that if she isn't taken in then there is no hope for reconciliation. You just have to decide which end of the deal you want. Reconciliation with your husband or taking in your SD. Maybe he would be willing to compromise? Maybe you can say only for X amount of time.

"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Mon, 08/10/2009 - 5:06pm

If you do not feel comfortable for real valid reasons like things she has done or is doing, then he should not be able to force her down your throat. What is the status of house ownership, whose name is on the house? In cases like this I am THRILLED to be sole title.

I would pick don't force your adult child on me over someone who would give such a choice, but that is easy for me to say when I am not you. Why can't she find a roommate in the want ads, like everyone else?!!! It worked for me!

_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

justwantpeace2's picture

Submitted by justwantpeace2 on Mon, 08/10/2009 - 9:41pm

Only you know what your sd is like....my opinion would be to tell your husband that you are willing to do a trial period of not more than 3 months with the rule that she has to show respect and consideration and have a job to pay for her own stuff. It should be made known that you are willing to compromise here and he needs to also or the deal would be off. He needs to understand that he can't be an ATM nor can you. This daughter has to learn to stand on her own two feet and you are helping her only by providing her with a place to live and nothing more. I think that it is more than enough! I would not do any more for my own children at that age! They have to learn to stand on their own because the day will come when mom and dad WON'T be there! Your husband needs to get a grip! He is ruining who is daughter is or can be as an adult! Anyway, after the trial period, if all goes well then you will review and discuss an extention of another 3 months and so on up to 1 year which by that time she needs to have the money saved to get her own place. If she is wanting to go to school to learn a trade, then she could stay for 2 years.....but there has to be some rules in place and it is not a situation where she is a sponge and draining you and your dh of everything you have! If he can't do this or caves because of her manipulation....then he should understand that the deal is off! You are important too! In fact, you should be more important than an adult child! Your his wife and you should come first!

RB's picture

Submitted by RB on Tue, 08/11/2009 - 2:45am

You're marriage is on shaky ground and your DH wants to move his adult daughter into the house because she hasn't graduated from high school yet and she is 19? Oh, and her own mom kicked her out. I'm thinking NO WAY IN H***! My experience with adult step children moving home is that it is flat out BAD for a marriage. She will come into your home and finish off what was already falling apart. There will be no reconciliation or mending. It would really surprise me if this went well. I'm watching my own wonderful marriage become shaky because I was stupid enough to allow the 25 year old to move back in the house temporarily until she got back on her feet. What a mistake. Temporary has lasted a couple of years now with a step grand daughter in tow. I wish you the best of luck here, but there has to be some better way of dealing with this situation. If she is living with friends, why can't she keep on living with friends? I moved out of my parents house when I was 19, had a job, bought my own car and paid my own rent. These kids think they are entitled to have all of this stuff including dad and mom's lifestyle handed to them on a silver platter. Well, that's bull. She is old enough to make it on her own. Maybe living on her own would give her the gumption to finish high school or to get her GED.