Adult stepdaughters
While I am not new to being a stepmother to both young and adult children I am experiencing a whole different set of circumstances from my previous marriage with stepchildren. In my marriage to my late husband, I had no problems with my two stepdaughters and was close to both of them, as well as their biological mother.
Several years after my husband passed away, I remarried a man with two daughters and a son. I get along famously with the son, but the two adult daughters are something else. They come and go whenever they feel like it with absolutely no consideration or prior warning. They walk into my home without knocking and treat me as though I am a second class citizen that barely exists. They hardly greet me and them take over my home in the most disrespectful way.
The younger stepdaughter has a little girl whom I adore and who the stepdaughter does not seem to have a problem allowing me to babysit, when it suits her needs. The other day it was the child 5th birthday party and my husband and I went over to the stepdaughters house with gifts and cake for the little girl. My stepdaughter told me to leave and that I was not invited and to take the gifts I had bought for her little girl back. Fortunately, my husband stood up for me and told his daughter that her behavior was unacceptable and that if I wasn't invited then he too would leave. Despite the fact that I have been fully aware that both stepdaughters hate my guts, I was non-the-less shocked that this stepdaughter would act like this at her little girls birthday party.
Several days later, I went down into my garden to find this stepdaughter sitting on the lawn talking to her father. I asked her politely to please leave and not to come to our house when I am at home, considering the way she had treated me at the party. My husband again backed me up and told her to go. She then swore obscenities at me, ranting and raving that the house belonged to her father and I had no rights in my own home. My husband again told her to leave and told her in no uncertain terms that this is my home as much as his.
My husband is retired and I work, so she can come and visit with her dad anytime she wants to without me being present. I believe that I do not have to put up with being abused in my own home and I am no longer going to tolerate being treated with contempt and utter rudeness, by her or anybody else.
I have not seen her since, but she sent me an email, ranting about what a bitch I am, how she would come and visit her dad anytime she damn well felt like it...blah, blah, blah. I replied by suggesting that we should put the past behind us and try to get along if for no other reason then for her father and child's sake. I suggested that I would be open to any constructive ideas she might have and that the ball is now in her court. She replied by going on again about what an awful person I am and pointed out all my faults as she sees them. I have not replied to this.
I would like to get some feedback on how I should handle this, or whether I should just let it go? I am done with flogging a dead horse. Would love to get some views on this.
Thank you
Marbear
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Comments
Its great that your hubby
Its great that your hubby backed you up...thats awesome! Stepdaughters are the hardest...but letting it go is the easiest. I give you alot of credit for being involved in their lives as much as you are & you have a history of being a good stepmom. I am not interested in having anything to do with my sd's. The love drama & control & manipulation. I love peace & having a good life. Its unfortunate that they are so ungrateful to you...but its ok to "Own your own power" & let them know that your not some doormat that they can walk all over anytime they feel like it.
Wow, thanks you guys for your
Wow, thanks you guys for your feedback. I do agree with you Mustang1 that my H, does tend to be a bit soft on his daughters, despite him backing me up this time. I think that he tends to over compensate for his ex's lack of parenting skills when it comes to his daughters. His ex wife, biological mother of his kids from what I have heard, was not the best role model as a mother. Apparently, according to the girls, she was abusive, not supportive and an alcoholic. I even tried to befriend her in the beginning of my marriage in order to make things easier for everybody, but she was incredibly rude to me, so I gave up on this idea. Incidentally, I was not the cause of his divorce and met him five years after their marriage was over. Perhaps
I have to laugh livinthedream, because my favorite phrase when people come to me and tell me that somebody has abused or treated them badly, is to "take your power back!" Like you, I love peace and harmony and I am not the confrontational type, but I will not tolerate being walked over, abused or treated with disdain.
I guess too that perhaps having had such a great relationship with my previous stepdaughters and their mother, I expected to have a similar relationship with these girls.
Ah well, I am going to take both your advice and just let it go!!! I do however, so miss my little granddaughter with all my heart.
I actually chuckled when I
I actually chuckled when I read this. I'm having the exact same problem as you right now. I chose to write her back nicely. She wrote me back with an attitude. So now the gloves are off. Is this the correct way to go about this? I don't know. All I know is I'm not taking her attitude anymore as I don't give a crap what she thinks of me anymore.
You women aré saints! I pray
You women aré saints! I pray this doesn't happen to me because my only reply would be "f^>} off and you will NEVER step into my house again." Good luck!
Hahaha, yes the gloves are
Hahaha, yes the gloves are off indeed and if she wants attitude, she aint seen nothing yet, as I am tired of being a martyr!! I read her last email out to my H and he said that he doesn't understand what she is going on about and that he would talk to her AGAIN!!! Like this is going to help. Anyway, in the bigger scheme of things, she is so insignificant in my life, that her opinion of me doesn't even count, not anymore, not one iota!!!
I have given her the choice to change things and she has declined to take me up on this, so good luck to her, she will NOT be coming around anymore!!
Have a good day ladies
MB
NOW you have the attitude,
NOW you have the attitude, Marbear...
I dealt with nasty attitudes from my H's 3 adult Ds for 7 years; his Ds are now 31, 30, 26ish (I don't remember because I just don't care anymore!!)
Nasty emails, whining to "daddy" about they don't "this about KK" or "that about KK"....screw 'em; I tried to be NICE, I tried to be friends....the more I opened myself up to them, the more "flaws" they found.
Hey, I have a great career and HUNDREDS of people adore me. So, am I gonna lose "sleep" because of "three people" who have problems with me, just because I EXIST and they don't like that "daddy" has a new girl.
Heyl, no!! You go girl. If you receive nasty stuff from them, forward it to your H. Let HIM deal with it. His "kids", his "problem" HUGS!!!
Marbear, I think that the way
Marbear,
I think that the way you handled SD was 100% right on. I have a similar problem with my SD. I set boundaries as you did. SD is welcome in the house as long as DH is there - she is not to come over when I'm there alone and I refuse to have a 1 on 1 relationship with her.
I wish my DH had stood up for me like yours - what a great guy.
Once again girls, thanks for
Once again girls, thanks for your wonderful and supportive input. While DH has been standing up for me lately, this was not always the case. He used to make every excuse under the sun for sd behavior, as if I should be feeling sorry for her.
I always believe that if you give somebody enough rope, that they will eventually hang themselves. This is exactly what happened when sd lost it and told me to f--k off from her house on her child's 5th birthday last month. DH was horrified and although he told her that he would take me with him where ever he wanted to and we left. Neither, myself or DH wanted to make a big thing about it at the time, as we dind't want to upset sd's little girl, who is the most adorable child that we both love.
I also do not believe in getting into screaming matches with anybody, as I feel that anybody who rants and raves, swears and shouts obscenities is totally out of control
The good news is that I have not seen hide or hair of sd and she has not sent me any further emails, as I did not respond to her last ugly missive to me. The best part of all, is that I got to see my sgd today when dh brought her around for a few hours. I got to spend some gr8 quality time with her playing and best of all got tons of hugs and kisses from her.
Hope you gals are having a peaceful time from your steps and bm's and hope that we can stay in touch.
xoxox
What in the hell is wrong
What in the hell is wrong with people these days? Did you poison her biological mother or something in order to steal her father?
I remember when I was younger and I had a real asshole for a boss I came home and told my dad about him and Dad said "I'm glad to hear it." When I asked why he said "son, you're going to encounter assholes for the rest of your life, and you aren't going to be able to change them. The sooner you learn to deal with them and stay happy yourself, the better off you're going to be later in life."
I think the answer here is that you simply married a man whose daughter is an asshole. I applaud you for standing up to her. Sadly she probably will never see the light, but then, the sooner you learn to deal with the asshole and stay happy yourself, the better off you'll be.. to quote Dad
No I do not have kids of my
No I do not have kids of my own and am financially secure within my own rights, so inheritance should not be an issue. The only reason I can figure for SD's disliking me, is that they are no longer getting all of the attention from DH, so they are trying to squeeze me out of the way!!! :?
Hey, I find it in very poor
Hey, I find it in very poor taste to insist on knowing what your parents will leave you? and don't expect any inheritance from my own parents.
Unless there is a possible succession to the throne of a country, imo the kids should be more concerned about their parents, than their inheritance.
No wonder anyone who would feel entitled to such info, would have problems getting along with others! as they do not seem to respect their parents' privacy, judgement or personal business.
Or when smacking them around
Or when smacking them around was OK....
Crayon, I don't respond to you much in that I don't have "small skids" so I really have no response. I have no experience whatsoever in your position so I don't feel it's right for me to offer "advice" (The only thing I know is that I dated a man after my divorce who had a son the same age as my daughter, and there were no problems, so, again, I can't offer advice.)
It really PISSED me off today to see you get attacked when all you were doing was telling the obvious TRUTH!!!
And, I agree with you, my parents ARE still together, but I'm not getting any inheritance. They have no money, for God's sakes!!
Hugs, girl!!
True story: My old man is a
True story: My old man is a doctor. He made some great investments early in his career and he is loaded. He's the president of a huge multi-specialty clinic. One day about 15 years ago he sat me down in front of his computer and showed me a spreadsheet. It had years and dollar amounts. it showed when he planned to retire, how much he currently had, estimated 8% growth of the money, and showed how much he would take out each month after retiring. It also showed when he started eating into his principal.
In the bottom right hand corner there was a 0. He then turns to me and says "this is my life financial plan and basically what it tells you is that if I die around 70 you and your brother are going to be wealthy. If I die around 75 you'll get something. If I live to be 85 you won't get a penny. If I live past 85 I'm going to be on your dime for a change. My Dad died at 84. The moral of this get-together is that you shouldn't count on me or my money to pay off your house someday. Good luck son."
I'm planning on doing the same thing when I have kids
I LOVE your dad! Reminds me
I LOVE your dad!
Reminds me of the comedian (I can't remember who) that says:
"Don't leave your kids an inheritance. Too many families are torn apart viciously over money issues when their parents die.
Instead, spend all your money now and leave them a ton of DEBT. This way, you'll give them a PROJECT to work on together after you're gone!"
The Final Lie That SD told
The Final Lie
That SD told about me concerned what would happen to her if DH died before me. SD and I were on friendly terms then and we were just talking and she brought up her concern about what would happen to her if DH died. I told her that of course I would continue to support her but probably not in the same way that DH did. That I wanted to help her with college etc and then I mentioned that I'd also like to help my nephews out if I would afford it.
She told DH that I told her that I planned to help out my nephews but not her. When DH told me this, he and I confronted SD and she lied again! That was it for me - that she could look me in the eye and lie. Of course, DH felt that she just "misunderstood" what I said and there was no reason for me to be angry. I told them both that in the future SD and I must have a 3rd party so that there would be no further "misunderstandings".
Adult Stepdaughter
I need to Follow this I have the same issue
Stepdaughter 26yrs old and 16 yr old. They are both very rude to me
It’s all about money
Those daughters don't care that you make their father happy. They would rather him die alone so they get the money from the sale of his house. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is your home too AND if his children cared anything for their father, they would learn how to treat the woman he loves with respect.