How do you propose for the child not to turn out like his primary mentor? Time and time again I have seen kds turn out just like their parents. Maybe your H does get mad but he handles if differently or he has known her a lot longer than you have so maybe he blocks it out.

Does your DH say that he has tried to talk to her about this stuff? Why doesn't he email it or write her a certified letter saying that she must contact him before. DOCUMENTATION!!!! Do they have JOINT legal custody?
I told my DH....you teach people how to treat you. If he allows her to do this without saying anything, IN WRITING, then he is telling her that this behavior is okay.

Mama - have your DH go to SS's school and talk to his principal and his teachers and get placed on the mailing list to receive notification of every school event pertaining to your SS and his grade. These days you can maintain regular communication with teachers and faculty through e-mail so he can be made aware of any issues that may arise with SS at school, such as his grades, behaviorial issues so on and so forth.

About the time we started fighting back, and telling SD16 the truth of for instance, things her mom did, for a while it got a lot worse but now seems to be on an okay phase.

What seemed to really improve the relationship was not speaking to either BM or SD until they realize we are not sending presents either (not refusing to, just not contacting and neither did they). That maybe 'sticking up for' BM means that SD does not get as much or as many invitations, that in fact it costs her, and she had time to think she does want a relationship with her dad (I guess). We have thought it was corrected before but seems to need a refresher every 6 months or so.

Now she is actually coming here in a couple weeks and I am nervous about how it will go! but she is very excited and I hope we can get back to how we were (pre-PAS)! Point being - sometimes you have to fight back and be willing to let them go, to make things better!! and definitely contact the school directly when you get your paperwork straight, that sounds like it will eliminate a lot of it!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

similar problem here..we are not told of sd's activities at school or when she goes to the doctor. there are many times when bm and her parents plan vacations on dh's weekend and dont even consult him. they only call him when its convenient for them and when exhippo wants to mess with our lives. im pretty sure they tell sd stuff about me and label me as a witch. sd is learning all this crap and shes putting it to the test. these kids see this kind of crap at bms and learn to use it as well and i also think its in their blood. my sd is slowly turning into her mom and that really stinks..

I made it a ritual every year first day DH and I would go with our court order to get it all straightened out and get onthe mailing list- if you have a order (most co for support and visits state at the top of them that so n so being the father of said minor child)that says in it you have the right to school, medical records or that states joint custody and the school refuses then go to the superintedant of the system- my SDs birth cert. still says unknown, we rarely had to speak to more than the secretary.
yet every year we would change the contact card from her BFs name as dad to DHs- boy did that bug her when we first did it.
It really sucked to have to do it, but we ended up making it fuun for us by going out to a decent lunch to celebrate him being her father again every year!

All in stride cause its a bumpy ride!

There is no reason where logic does not exist