Question about informally amending custody agreement
Need some advice around handling a request from my husband’s exwife. She moved about 30 miles away in with her boyfriend about 2 years ago. She wanted to keep the same custody agreement which is we have their 2 kids on Mon, Tues, exchange at school Wednesday, she picks up and keeps kids until Friday. We switch weekends. The past 2 years on Wed, Thur, Fri she has had other friends or her partner picking the kids up after school returning them to her home. When this move first occurred, she asked us to help out with the kids after school which we did for a couple of months until she started showing up later and later and the amount of dialogue that occurred on her days became too much-always texting that she had an unexpected happy hour dr meeting to attend which would cause her to be late. We then feed to kids dinner and take them to their practices, evening activities etc... We didn’t feel this was balanced as these were her days, her responsibility. We asked her to find other arrangements and she did. Now the two girls are entering into 6th grade and HS. There is no after school care and she is still in a bind. She asked us to reconsider us taking the kids after school until she gets off work and she would pick them up about 6:00. Side note we have a large blended family. I also have 3 kids from prior marriage with the same custody arrangement. My husband and I also now have 2 babies of our own. So we have a very busy house.
We would love to have the girls full time Mon-Fri but their Mom doesn’t want to amend. We actually get along pretty well with her but we are torn about what’s best for the girls and holding a boundary with their Mom. She has a tendency to take and take leaving us to feel taken advantage of. Also the div decree was recently amended with this move already occurring. She at that time did not offer any compensation or adjustments formally to the visitation schedule to take on the additional responsibility nor did she ask to adjust the schedule itself.
We are really torn here but inevitably with HS sports and clubs and her tendency to be late or in traffic we feel if we take this on it could really become imbalanced and leaving us to feel taken advantage of again.
Should we pursue having the girls all night on those school nights? Right now the girls are not getting back to her Mom’s house till late in the evening. Sometimes the older child is spending the night on school nights to get a ride to school the next day.
Any advice here?
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For the good of the girls I'd
For the good of the girls I'd consider going for her just getting EOWE. Use the messages that she doesn't have time for them on the school days... They need stability when it involves school and BM doesn't seem willing to provide that right now... Idk that it's fair for the girls to have such chaos all the time just so Bm can have "her days" Vs. Them having stability and the EOWE visitation with BM instead... Just my opinion. You have to do what's best for your household.
Similar to our situation,
Similar to our situation, custody was supposed to be 50/50 even though she moved an hour away, wasn't working, we always had the kids after school on her days, she kept wanting to switch days etc. Finally we switched to EOWE. Kids come home to our house on the bus EVERY DAY, every other Thursday BM picks them up from us and takes them to school the next day (friday), then again they come home to us, and she picks us from us again, keeps them for the weekend, then she takes them to school Monday morning and we get them for the next 10 days. Has worked pretty well, it minimizes the amount of time they have to be up late on a school night as it's only every other week for one day. Plus BM is able to avoid scheduling stuff on those days for the most part.
Lol those girls wouldn't be
Lol those girls wouldn't be mad at their mom, they'd be mad at SM for saying no to rides. BTDT.
Give her the option. Tell her
Give her the option.
Tell her that you'll either take them those extra 3 days along with a change to the agreement and attached CS, or you won't take them those 3 extra days.
Simple.
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the comments and advice. I think with the recent adjustments that were just finalized to the CS and Div Decree we feel its best to stick to it and given these 2 kids will need this arrangement for the next 4-7 years, it really needs to be reflected in the Div Decree. In my mind, when its her time its her responsibility, and when its our time its ours. But us helping her out, would inevitably mean taking the kids to their games and so forth. Because the only reason we would even consider doing this is for the sake of the kids, not to help her because of our relationship with her if that makes sense. There have been a number of instances where she has taken advantage not just in regards to time. It needs to be black and white because CS is also involved along with our 2 bio children and my 3 other children. We are going to communicate that we would only be comfortable taking them on full-time on those days with a change to the CS and modification to the Div Decree. She likely will not go for it, but after a year of driving around, our hope is she would see that her requests are not conducive or in the best interest of the children. Side note in the past she used to be overly communicative via text and calling, we have worked hard to establish a respectful boundary with her without the excessive communication (usually ending in her crying because of a situation she was in). If we would take this on I would have concerns of her calling on her days multiple times and getting my husband and I wrapped up in her affairs. This does not happen anymore but would likely start up again if that door was opened.
Thanks all again for the advice!