Accepting the inevitable
So DH has decided he will not be giving in to BM and changing up the custody. I can't blame him I guess. This means I will for sure be responsible for SDs (7) homeschool for the foreseeable future. Homeschooling, raising a baby, running the house, and working parttime. Yippee! -sarcasm- I can already feel how burnt out I'm going to be soon.
We had our first session with a counselor. I told my side and he told his and the counselor kind of just made suggestions on how to make homeschooling and everything easier on me...honestly it just made it sound worse. Her suggestions were great, but require so much effort and basically make me a full-on, grade A, world class level teacher.
The counselor was great, but definitely made it out to be my responsibility to do all this...and I guess I'm just still in the mindset of NO this isn't my job and I don't want it to be! I feel super guilty. I feel like a bad wife and a bad mom. Ugh. I wish I felt differently but I don't.
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You need a new therapist...
You need a new therapist... it it never your responsibility to be the main (or minor) caretaker for someone else's kid.
This a thousand times over.
This a thousand times over.
Why is the schooling of SD your responsibility?
Why is the schooling of SD your responsibility? Won't she be participating in remote learning from her school? You can supervise that, if you are home. But any extra schooling can be done by DH when he is not at work. Since you work part time and care for your infant, why should you be the one doing any extra teaching?
Why didn't you say that you
Why didn't you say that you do not feel like this is your job? That you are already busy as it is? I wouldn't do it.
I thought I was
I thought I was clear in telling what I wanted and needed in that I don't want to do this. I guess they just don't see any other way.
"They" meaning your husband
"They" meaning your husband and the counselor?
Does your husband consider it your duty to provide all childrearing for both his children because he is the main breadwinner? If that's the dynamic of your marriage, I might consider looking for a full-time job, personally.
My husband
Husband knows it's not my full responsibility and he feels guilty. Before COVID I was just tackling the hour before and after school until he got home from work. Now because I only work weekends...it only made sense for me to watch both kids. He is trying his best to help, but there isn't much he can do other than pay for daycare (which would be really tight financially) or give up custody
or give up custody
He may technically have custody but you're the one doing most of the actual care. What's wrong with SD's mother keeping her when DH can't?
So what would he do if you
So what would he do if you weren't there?
Forgot to add
DH did say he would try and work from home more. We will also try to have grandparents watch the baby at least once a week or so, so I can have time with just SD
So taking time away from your
So taking time away from your baby to take care of SD. I'm sorry, I must be a big B because I would never have other people make decisions for my daily schedule. I would rather leave. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I feel bad that SMs like you are in these situations where the care of someone else's kid is foisted upon you.
I get it
I don't mind taking a bit of time away from my son to focus on her. I do love time with her and it is so much easier without juggling the two. I just wish I didn't have her almost all the time. I wish I wasn't having to take on all the hard labor. It's a really tough position. DH doesn't think BM is stable enough to give her the bulk of custody. Financially idk if we could swing getting a nanny or something. It's just not fair that I get stuck with all the work. Not that she is work...she's a good kid...but it's draining.
I understand
I can relate to the feeling of wanting to do the right thing, but being conflicted on why you should HAVE to. I can't tell you how many nights I have laid up in bed feeling guilty for feeling like I really don't want to be the main mom to my sks even though I know it is what's best... considering the lack of stability of their own mama. I certainly did not sign up for this, but over 8 years I have become the more stable mama. I have felt guilty for wanting to spend a little more money on my own child, because the financial resources spend on stepkids is way more than what she gets. My sks are great kids as well, so I feel bad their mom is so lackluster. The only thing I can say is it has been a sacrifice for sure of time, energy, and money...but my relationship with both my step kids is very strong. Seeing them flourish and lean towards my teachings ( college, emotional intelligence, being hard workers) has been an intangible gift. It's not easy...trust me I know...and I still struggle with the "justice" or "fairness" of it all...but I truly believe someday those babies will be better people because i chose to step up...and that's all any parent really wants...to add decent contributing members to society.
exH and I went to a counselor
exH and I went to a counselor within our religion who told me that it was my job to create a clean peaceful home for him. At the time I was doing home daycare and had two young toddlers of our own. According to the counselor he should be able to come home and relax while i kept the kids out of his hair and had dinner ready. When did I get support? Where was my peace? Apparently I didn't matter at all in the equation, just like you dont matter in yours. It's not your job to homeschool SD, she has two parents already!
Her mom may may not be perfect, but how stable are you going to be after coming home from work, tending to an infant then having to help SD with all her schoolwork? Where is DH's responsibility in all of this? I would be absolutely unavailable to help SD with her homeschooling. Some opportunity or work issue would come up where I just wouldn't be available. You could nanny kids in their home and bring your baby along. Perhaps some exhausting health issue is plaguing you. Honestly though, you need to get out of this. Also get your own personal therapist who supports YOU. Couples therapist do what's best for the "couple," the wife's sanity be damned. You need someone who will help you draw boundaries around your own sanity and help you learn how to say yes when you want to and no when it's too much.
If your DH is otherwise a
If your DH is otherwise a thoughtful and caring husband, I can see how this is just a suck situation to get through. No one could have predicted Covid disruption when you were expecting time alone with your little one while your SD would be in school during normal sessions. Also understandable that your DH has qualms handing custody to a mother with substance abuse issues.
If childcare for SD is too expensive, would it be financially viable to quit or cut back on your weekend part-time job? Otherwise you get no rest.
He is
He really is great other than this current situation. I know he is trying his best. Right now I am looking into finding more flexible employment. He suggested maybe quitting my job, but idk sometimes getting away to work is nice
Yeah, if (big if) he gives
Yeah, if (big if) he gives you authority along with responsibility for your SD, treats you like his life partner and not the household help, doesn't default to taking your side over hers, takes over when he's off work so you can relax, etc. -- it seems reasonable to supervise her learning "in these unprecedented times."
But not if you feel browbeaten into it and resentful.
Repeat after me... "No."
Repeat after me... "No."
Again... "NO."
So the people in the waiting room and parking lot can hear... "NO!!!"
Your soon-to-be-EX counselor is a fool. Your DH, BM, the in-laws, and the counselor who obviously has zero experience dealing with step situations - they all need to take you OUT of the equation. You are NOT an option. Not your circus; not your monkey. Put your foot down hard.
☆ THIS! ☆
No is a complete sentence.
Boundaries. You & your baby are worth it.