Still hasn’t gotten better. Will it ever?
Almost 2 years I posted a blog about dealing with my SD who is now going on 7.. recently I've figured out what the term mini wife syndrome is and it is almost spot on as far as I can see. Here is the background.
Her dad & I have been friends for 7 years. In a relationship for 3 of them.. we've helped raise our kids together and him and my son have a good relationship. My son honestly adores him. I struggle with bonding with his bio child.. for years I played the mother figure in her life due to her absent mother who ended up passing away due to her addiction/alcoholism. He has always had her full time. She's very clingy, VERY CLINGY. Has been ever since she was a toddler which I thought at the time was normal.. but when I say clingy I mean obsessive, possessive, in a way that makes me so uncomfortable. I can't speak, my son can't speak without being interrupted, talked over, screamed over, any time he shows either of us attention it's a huge issue. She constantly lingers, is disruptive, she's now taken up lying, being defiant, the entire works. She's the most manipulative child I have ever met and whenever he tries to address it, she laughs and smirks like it's a joke. Anytime my son does something, even breathes, it's DAD ___ is doing this, ____ is going to the bathroom, etc. she respects absolutely no boundaries; antagonizing my son every second we are with them, tries to get him in trouble for sympathy... I can't stand it. She chooses to continue to have accidents, wet her bed on purpose, goes as far as pretends to go to the bathroom, lies about it, stands in there with her tablet, and then proceeds to wet herself or her bed. Went as far as pooping in my sons room at my moms house and smearing it all over the bed and the wall and herself and just sat there. I honestly don't understand why it's still happening, and why her dad minimizes the entirety of the situation. I honestly think he downplays it to keep me from breaking it off completely, which I've pretty much already done but not completely for the sake of my son because he does love this man like a bonus dad. I have disengaged, for quite some time now to the point where I can't even bear to acknowledge her, because this behavior is her entire personality now due to her father never correcting it until I threatened to leave him for good. Correcting it looks like wasting his breath and repeating himself but never any action nor any progress. She tries to micro manage my child, he hates it because he knows it isn't natural and it isn't her place and I get tired of hearing her dad repeat himself with no change in her actions. She doesn't take it seriously and frankly I don't think she cares because she acts of aggression towards me and my son because she thinks she's the only one that should have her fathers attention and it terrified the lengths she'll go to, to get it. I believe that her dad honestly has no issue with it, because I've already dealt with it for so long, that he doesn't believe I will actually leave because of his child. In his mind he loves mine so there's a part of me that will love his but I mean it when I say, I don't know if that's possible if she's never going to change and from what I read on these blogs it doesn't get any better. Tried counseling. I've moved out. Distanced myself. Yes I spent years bonding with her and going out of my way for her only to retaliate against me later so I don't bother anymore. He refuses to get her any kind of professional help, because she "just needs attention" but he couldn't be more wrong and biased. He parents out of guilt because of her mom and it's ruining her and our relationship. I'm at a point where it isn't worth it to me anymore, if I have to lose him to protect my sanity when it comes to this child then it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make at this point, because I don't want to spend another decade angry, resentful, and exhausted. I avoid spending any time with him which is now just on weekends because leading up to it I'm already anticipating on the endless tactics and attention seeking behavior and targeting my son. I think their relationship is borderline emotional incest which doesn't surprise me because his mother is the same way with him and he's 40 years old. It's disgusting to watch: all of it. The baby talk, the infatuation she has with her father. I was raised by a single dad and NEVER acted this way with him, and my mom was just as absent so it doesn't make sense to me and I can't find understanding in my heart for why you would allow these behaviors to continue in your child. He still hints at marriage, and another child and thank god I don't have a baby by him; because I am deadly afraid of what that would look like. Her jealousy is far too overwhelming, inappropriate, and it isn't fair to expect a person to just deal with it with a smile on their face while they continue to allow it. "She will grow out of it" couldn't have been more untrue. If anything she grew into worse behaviors, and it's been almost TWO YEARS since I last posted about it. He compares his daughter to my son, when it comes to their behavior but my son has normal kid behavior at his age and hers are alarming.. and just not okay. I cannot find it in me to bond with her after all she's put me and my son through, at such a young age, I could only imagine what it's going to be like when she's a teenager and I feel like I need to protect my own son from the possible outcomes of what it could be. Because my son doesn't deserve it. Not at all and that's why I moved and have distanced myself: the only time I go around either of them is when my son wants to see her Dad. Which I feel his relationship with my son is based solely on the hope that I will stay with him; which isn't true. My son will be just fine without them. He will adjust, as he has been. My son has an amazing active present father and mother. BF is a bonus. But his daughter will stop at nothing to ruin this relationship, and endless people have told him she acts this way an act of aggression towards me and he just doesn't think she's capable. She is. Without a doubt capable and has completely driven me out of that home, happily. As long as she has him all to herself she does not care about mine or my sons feelings. Or whether or not we are there. I'm so resentful towards her father, for always fighting me on this, never taking me seriously, listening, or acknowledging my feelings always feeling like I'm picking on her and I need to lay off of his daughter. And now I'm told I need to have a relationship with her because that's his daughter, and I'm considering completely ending things and cutting off contact because I can't. I feel guilty for disliking a child so much, but after spending years making the effort just to be treated like an outsider, lose my role, my indentity in the relationship, and my mind, I just can't come back from it and that's what I'm seeing. That there's no hope for fixing it, because I CLEARLY CANT DO THE FIXING and he will not get that through his head. He will not see it for what it really is. Acts like he does but he doesn't and that's manipulative on his part just to get me to stay knowing he doesn't plan on actually implementing change or getting her evaluated or seen by someone. She is 6 years old, already sexualizing things, pulling her shorts up to be underwear in public, trying to wear crop tops around her dad and the only time he corrects it is if I say something about how it's inappropriate. She's very dirty, okay with it, her room constantly smells like pee, he never makes her clean up after herself; he's honestly a lazy parent. I don't think he wants to put forth the effort to make her change her ways because she's already so far set in them and I don't get it. I will give every last breath to making sure my son is raised in a good wholesome and respectable manner.. regardless of what I have to do. Or how much energy it takes. "Phases" can turn into habits and behaviors if you don't pay attention and you aren't careful and I have spent years trying to make him understand that. I've sent him articles, posts, videos, on similar problems and he pays no mind to it because he truly is in denial. He just acts like he isn't when I'm there.
I think she will do this with any woman he is with in the future. Maybe then he will realize it or maybe he won't but I think wasting my life trying to see if he does or doesn't is a waste of time. I will NEVER understand why he's allowed to continue to wear pull ups and enable her behavior and regression. She's been potty trained for years, I know because I potty trained both of our kids. My son has never had an issue with it. But with her it's become normal. Normal for their house to smell like urine, her bedroom, and her. The smirks and the smiles about it is beyond me when she does it. It's like she pushes and pushes until I leave ensuring her time with her dad. He's allowed her to control his life and relationship at 6 years old so imagine what it'll be like when she's a teenager. I have read every blog on mini wife syndrome and every single person that has posted about it has posted my story. I just need to vent because I'm so ready to end this.. and the fact that he believes it's because I want to be with someone else let's me know how much he refuses to accept that her behavior has gotten this bad and would rather blame me. But here's the thing: STEPPARENTS ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE OR TO BLAME FOR THEIR BIO CHILDS WAYS OR BEHAVIOR. We have become to scapegoats and it has ALWAYS been this way: it probably always will. When really it's the BIO parents.
it's them. It's not us.
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Comments
Vent away!
Vent away!
Your SO is being incredibly selfish. He's allowing this behavior to continue because he loves basking in the adoration and he gets a kick out of you and her battling for him. Sick. He doesn't love her enough to parent her properly. He's only thinking of himself.
You are right, of course, to project this into the future because it will get worse - why would she grow out of it if it gets her what she wants?
What is she like at school? Does she have any friends? Either way, I wouldn't waste any more time on this lost cause. Your son deserves better.
Your SO is going to be a very lonely old man I because she will do this to every woman who comes into his life.
Honestly, I'm not sure how
Honestly, I'm not sure how she is at school. I don't think she has "accidents" at school because she doesn't want to embarrass herself in front of other kids, but at home she's completely comfortable with lying and being what I consider "dirty" which I don't understand. My dad raised me to really care about my hygiene. She picks and chooses when she does it so her dad considers them "accidents" but I think any time that she's aware my son and I will be over there, she starts up with it because she knows I'm going to say something to her father which then likely leads to me removing myself because it just really bothers me, and it bothers my son. He doesn't understand it either... because I'm raising him a completely different way. Last time I addressed her lying it resulted in "can you just lay off my daughter you've been at it all day" and I ended up going home because that line right there does it for me, after he asked me to call her out on her behavior but the reality is he can NOT handle it because that would mean I'd be doing it all day, because the behavior is CONSTANT. My son will come over there and she will just be RELENTLESS on him. If her dad and I are watching tv she paces back and forth and if she's told to go play she immediately runs to her room and starts crying and hyperventilating. Grunting and moaning talking to herself repeating "daddy daddy daddy daddy" over and over really fast until her dad tells her to stop. Whenever she IS put in the corner and he tries to talk to her about the way she treats my son and I she smiles and laughs as if it's funny, and I'm aware that kids smile when they are uncomfortable but I can tell the difference. It's just a lack of care, because as long as she executes her goal that's all that matters. The goal is to push my buttons enough to get me to leave and it works because I'm just at my wits end. I've told him that I don't think I'll ever be able to bond with her because after 3 years of it getting worse I just don't have the energy and his response is "that's my daughter" "I love your son" but they aren't even a comparison... you literally cannot compare my son to her. She does fine with anybody that isn't in a romantic relationship with her dad, to a point but anything or anybody that takes away attention from her is a target. His bosses, friends, whoever he's on the phone with, it doesn't matter. She's just relentless when it comes to me because I'm the girlfriend. I can't look at her like a daughter, because she just views me as competition and I don't know why. I've never tried to take the attention away from her or make him choose I would never do that. That's why I've basically left. Because it's a battle I don't even care to win nor do I want to I just wanted balance and consistency but he's always relied on me to give it to her, discipline her, and I don't believe that's my place regardless of being a blended family. There are roles and nobody knows them except me. I have expressed my concerns for YEARS and he just recommends that I get counseling instead of her. Which I did. Realized it wasn't me. I've just been traumatized by this child, lost all connection with both the father and the child. He's in for a rude awakening honestly, because it is over. I can't do another 3 years of this.
RUN - he refuses to get her
RUN - he refuses to get her help. You are going to waste your life on these people. Your life is too precious to waste.
If you won't walk completely
If you won't walk completely away for yourself, do it for your son. What happens when she starts accusing him of things? or accuses you causing you to potentially lose him?
EXACTLY. And I've expressed
EXACTLY. And I've expressed that too. There was a time where she would go in the room and bite herself and come out and say that my son did it.. they were literally toddlers. We had to put cameras up because he was so convinced that I was the one that was lying. Now his excuse is "I see what you're saying and I'm trying to correct it" but correcting it doesn't look like repeating yourself constantly. She doesn't care for discipline. She will sit in the corner and turn around and go right back to it. Until her dad just gives up. Weird because he has no problem disciplining my child lol. Which I hardly let happen, because I can discipline my own child. That's MY job. And my sons fathers. Not anybody else's. And most of the time it seems like he tries to discipline my son for his reactions to his daughters behavior.. which she absolutely loves seeing. She's always loved seeing and getting my son into trouble it's always been satisfying to her. I'll be damned if she ever paints my son out to be something that he's not. I watch her like a hawk around my child which just contributes to my anxiety and ill feelings towards her. I've been asking for him to get her into counseling for the last year and he just won't do it. He's in denial completely.
This kid needs therapy asap.
As a human being and despite your relationship (or lack thereof) please tell her father to get her help asap whether you are in the picture or not.
Run...
Run like your butt is on fire! He refuses to get this child some help, he refuses to discipline her, and I see a pattern of emotional incest here. You said yourself that he is emotionally incestuous with his mother as well. He won't set boundaries with his mother or his daughter. They take care of all of his needs with the exception of physical. That is why he won't do anything. He hopes or figures you will just suck it up and deal because so far that has worked. And it is not personal, his mom and daughter would behave this way with whoever he was with. But it's hard not to take it personally when it is happening to you. He refuses to change, so you have to be the change. Run. You not only need to protect yourself from this dysfunction, but your own child. Run, if not for your sake, for your son's sake.
This SD has serious problems
This SD has serious emotional problems. Do you know if her mom or moms BF abused her at all before her mom passed? She needs a child therapist immediately. I would tell DH this and let him know that if he doesn't do this immediately and follow through with it - then you and your child are leaving him. If that doesn't motivate him, nothing will.
Sorry, but if she is this bad at age 7, she needs help. It will get much worse if DH doesn't step up and get her the help she needs.
That reply was meant for
That reply was meant for another comment I'm fairly new at this so bare with me.
as far as any abuse goes, her mom was only around when she was an infant and her dad and his BM had a very toxic and weird relationship. His BM was extremely messy, had a bad drinking problem and was completely obsessed with her father and sex. There was a point in my friendship with him where we had absolutely no romantic relationship what so ever and she tried to attack me in front of our children. It traumatized my son but seemed normal for her daughter she had no reaction to it. The daughter honestly reminds of her mom; which I have no ill feelings towards her mother and never did. I was more focused on the kids always have been and my feelings towards the mother have no room in their lives. I didn't care for the drama. But now that she's older, she reminds me exactly of her mom. She's just as obsessed with her father and as the BM was obsessed with him. I'm just confused as to why; if she didn't play a part in really raising her. She doesn't remember much from her mom, at all so I have no clue where it comes from. I do know that her grandmother completely supports all of this bullshit, and thinks that I'm just an evil ass bitch. Which is fine. She hated her grand daughters mother up until the day she died. Then she praised the shit out of her and had crocodile tears and was so distraught, but hated her beforehand because fun fact, the BM actually slept with her husband. That's what ultimately broke off the relationship with the mother on the dads end. So I just think everything about it is weird. The entire dynamic of the family is off. Besides the aunt who adores me and completely understands why I feel the way that I do.
it's honestly emotional incest at its finest. But everybody is so offended when I say that word. The dad thinks I'm implying that it's sexual and it has nothing to do with that.
You're totally right it isn't
You're totally right it isn't personal because she will do it to the next woman as well. Probably worse. And he will be sitting there wondering why nobody sticks around for him and his daughter and blame us for it. I don't get a long with his mother, she actually tried to fight me when we visited his family in California. I brought up the emotional incest and she LOST IT. We've never been the same since. But I don't know why a grown ass man chooses to shower in his moms bathroom or walk around in his underwear around her at his age. The way she's always talking about how handsome he is makes me cringe, even the rest of his family is aware of how uncomfortable it is. His aunt who had his daughter for a few weeks during the summer agreed with me on everything and tried to tell him that both his mom and daughter are extremely jealous and he just never took it to heart because she's a "kid" but my god when does that excuse stop being used. She soiled my house in feces and pee.. the floor the beds the couches. He never made her clean it unless I begged him to. She's really the most manipulative child I have ever witnessed in my entire life and I have dated men with children and have NEVER felt this way about it. I feel like he just listens to me to get me off his back and brushes it under the rug and I've reached my breaking point. Completely. I know I can't be with this man because of his child and I feel guilty for feeling that way.. but I understand that it's been completely justified as well. I won't spend my life angry; I've done that enough over the situation
It sounds pretty clear that
It sounds pretty clear that even at SD's young age (and possible fetal alcohol syndrome) that she's learned that 1) Do something that makes SM upset, which in this case involves the use of urine and feces, leads to 2) SM fusses at her leading to 3) SD acts "wounded", which leads to 4) Daddy yells at SM and then rewards SD with attention, sympathy, and maybe other things to try to make SD happy again.
Your SO is training SD to act the way she does, and it sounds like maybe his mom trained him that way, too. It's a learned response for SD and it's the classic "drama triangle" of victim, antagonist, and rescuer. The dysfunction probably goes back generations and it means that you, the antagonist, will continue to be the bad guy. Unless your SO realizes this and wants to change, nothing will change.
This is perfect and makes so
This is perfect and makes so much sense thank you. I honestly love this blog/forum & community. It's so nice to be able to vent and talk about these things without such negative responses. Thank you all SO much
Another vote
For RUNNNN! You can't fix this and when CPS is called on you and your DS based on her lies, then were will you be? Who will her father side with? Sadly many on this board know the answer to that one. You are too young and your son is too innocent to waste your life on this whacko and his mini wife.
In fact, you're young enough to find a guy w/o kids based on your screen name. My DIL's brother who is 33 doesn't have any kids and found a 33 yr old lady who also doesn't have a previously enjoyed family. They're out there.
Think of your son, dear lady and, to quote a line in the Amityville Horror movie "GET OUT!"
I am honestly content with
I am honestly content with living on my own with my son. It's much more peaceful and less chaotic this way. Hence why I haven't made the decision to ever move back, and now I know I probably never will. I finally expressed everything last night, and his response was that I can't blame him, his home, or his daughter for why my son and I don't feel comfortable there. That response pretty much validated every thought I was already having. And the "I'll look into or think about getting her help but you need to have a relationship with my daughter and do things with her and love her" so he obviously missed the point and is still victimizing her. I can't have a relationship with her.. I did for years, sacrificed so much to try to be her mother, and it did absolutely nothing but make her more possessive and obsessive over her Dad. I will NEVER understand how little girls become this way towards their Dad. My dad is everything to me, he raised me without my mother and I get emotional when I think about grateful I am to have had a Dad like mine. But NEVER did I ever act this way with him. Not one time throughout my childhood. So to me there is just normal or acceptable about it. I've expressed my concerns about when our children are older, and the potential things and lies and situations she could manipulate against me and my son for pity. Also told him that I'll do whatever I have to do in order to protect my child from it. I won't allow her need for attention to affect my child or me anymore. And of course her dad is offended, he's convinced that because he loves me it's enough and I told him it's absolutely NOT. Turned the entire conversation into me needing to discipline my son, and for what! For being a normal child? Over my dead body!!! What about YOUR daughter? When my son showed any sign of a struggle in his development his father and I did everything we could to help him. Speech therapy, eating therapy when he had food phobias and was a VERY picky eater, occupational therapy, counseling, special needs classes for his sensory processing disorder, evaluations to see whether or not he was on the spectrum, we weren't prideful and ignored it because we couldn't accept that he needed help beyond us. We did what was right and best for him. Because for awhile, his behavior was affecting us and others and we weren't okay with it. I don't understand why other parents are okay with it and let it get this bad. I feel so much better getting all of that off of my chest for the 18384838292 time. I've just not responded to the manipulation since I said it all. Honestly, I don't care that he loves me. He doesn't love me or my son enough to get his daughter help. I'm sure one of the other parents was right when they said he gets a kick out of the adoration and seeing people battle for attention which is just sick. Idc to fight a child over her father. She can have him. I won't deal with it anymore. It's been 3 and a half years and it hasn't shown any progress, and I will not wait another 10 to see if it does.
Oh hell no!
Time for a paddle to the ass.
Put the piss and shit beast in a diaper and she can live in diapers for the foreseeable future. Public humiliation of wearing a diaper out in public and to school will fix this pronto. Her peers will make sure she corrects the manipulative bladder and intensitinal incidents. Assuming you have had her examined by her Pediatritian.
As for her treatment of your progeny. She has zero oversite or authority over your child(ren). She is a bully. Prep your kids to administer a bloody nose when she bullies them. That will take about one time to solve that problem.
I was bullied as a kid though I was older than your Kid/Skid. The solution was reconstructive surgery and pain for the bully. I figured out that getting hit hurts so the hitter would have to hurt far worse than they were hurting me. End of problem. At least until we moved and I changed schools. Even then, it only took one bleeding bully to end the problem until the next move.
She had no problem weaing
She had no problem weaing diapers. She wanted to wear them at her age, and pull ups. She loved it and having to have her "dyyy-peeee" changed, shit weirded me out so bad it almost made me puke most nights. She would walk around in pee filled pants and felt absolutely no embarassment, she loved the negative atttention. Hence why it never stopped and he was convinced it was a medical issue, she would act like she had UTI's after she heard that I went to the doctors for them and used that as an excuse, and coming from someone that got them as a kid frequently at her age due to my moms neglect whenever my mom would pick me up once every few years for a few nights, I can assure you that UTI'S never made you constantly pee yourself or want to wear diapers. They were painful, miserable, and to see her laugh and lie about having them made me not want anything to do with it anymore. I was tired of fighting about it. The doctor ruled out any medical issue and he kept taking her and taking her and convincing himself that she wasn't doing it because she wanted to when she was. She did it because she liked that her dad had to clean it up all day, clean her up, treat her like a baby, and whatever else weird reason she did it. She got so much praise for doing something she already knew how to do every once in awhile that she would stop to get toys, get what she wanted, start peeing everywhere again, get sympathy, stop, get toys, start again and the cycle continued and it still continuing. It's pathetic and disgusting. This child can not be embarassed. She loves this dysfunctional shit and what it gets her which is attention and pity parties from her dad.
Another Vote to Run
The "poop" rubbing on beds, walls, etc. I worked at our local alternative school and in my 3 years there, we had only ONE kid with this behavior. He was extremely mentally disturbed and we finally said he needed to be transferred BACK to the mental facility he came from. We were just not equipped to handle this. He was in his mid teens and would just shit his pants in class, then play with it, rubbing on his desk and/or walls. Your SD needs more help than you or her father can give her. She needs counseling, testing, medication, etc. I would NEVER expose my child to someone like this. I would also be concerned about violence towards your son or you. Please...if not for you, protect your child.
I have been seperated from
I have been seperated from the situation for almost 2 weeks now, and beforehand, we only saw them twice a week on the weekends. The poop incident was when she was younger, but after she was potty trained. Either way, she did it all over my sons room that they were sharing at the time due to us living with my mom, and instead of saying anything to anybody, or that she had to go to the bathroom like she so obnoxiously announces now at almost 7, she sat quietly in the room with it all over her forehead, hands, the bedding, and the walls. It was disgusting. I've been disturbed her ever since, because even as a toddler my son never displayed any behavior like this. That didn't happen again, besides the poop stains in her underwear all of the time, because she just refused to wipe herself even though I had showed her how to wipe for about a good year straight. She just wouldn't do it or take in any of the information and I could never figure out why. She just kept saying she wanted her dada to do it, even though she was perfectly capable and I have been uncomfortable ever since.
I have left this situation, and removed my son from it completely. I guess I'm just venting at this point because for years I've been convinced that I'm the weird one for looking at this in the light that I do, and that something is wrong with me for implying such out of the park things, and that it's me thats the issue and I will never believe that. I'm glad that I don't have to witness this anymore because you are right, she does need serious help. And it wasn't until I told him I would be keeping my distance from him and her that he finally said "okay I'll talk to the school I get it now" like no you don't, you just get that I don't care to live like this anymore and you're going to say whatever you can to make me change my mind when my mind has been made up.