I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We have been close friends for 7. He has a daughter who is 3 and I have a son who is almost 5. We have been apart of each others childrens life the whole ride as friends and now as partners. His daughters mother passed away almost 2 years ago, she was an absent mother towards the end of her life due to her alcoholism. I stepped upn as the active role in her life, she doesnt have much recolection of her mother, she does call me mom. So heres the long story short. His daughter is now 4 and has become very competitive with me. Whenever I make a sound in my home it is overthrown by her loud sounds or attempts in interupting my conversations or even sentences with her Dad. When my son is around she doesnt want my son having her dad or my attention seeing as she needs both of ours and frequently incriminates my son saying that hes doing this or that hes doing that..he cant even attempt to play with her without it being some sort of issue or drama scheme. We have had issues with her peeing her pants for the last year. Including peeing all over my house, my sons stuff, herself, constantly. Yes she knew how to use the bathroom but chose this route anyway, my guess is it's for attention. She seems to have absolutely no awareness of what shes doing even though its very obvious to me that she knows what shes doing seeing as she thinks that its funny to do these kinds of things whenever she sees that I'm upset or discomforted by her actions. She is constantly hanging off of her dad, needing to be right there every second she hears him or me make a sound, going as far as ignoring or disrespecting me because in the past all that its ever gotten me is her father upset with me for being upset with her. Its starting to feeel like I will never live in peace and I am losing hope. When my son comes over to our house it is nothing cut chaos and I seperate myself now from the situation so my child doesnt end up with an irritated mom for the time that he's with me and I have started to go stay at my sons fathers house on the nights that I have him because its the only other trustworthy place I will bring him where I know he is loved and safe. I know that if I keep myself in the midst of the chaos and constant attention seeking behavior and antics that overwhelm her dad and I that it never ends well on my end, because of course I am the evil biased step mother in these moments.
It is becoming so severe that no matter what I do I cant escape this when I'm there. There has been no boundaries since I have been with him, when it comes to his and his daughters relationship. Therefore my boundaries have always been a battle to respect. It's taken almost 2 years of torment and emotionally draining me as a partner and mother with these insane expectations that have been put on me to be her mother but when I try I am biased, for him to start to realize that I am not crazy. He now is trying to reverse these behaviors in her with little luck but I am trying my hardest to be patient because at least hes trying now... right? I want to agree with that but it's very hard to do so, considering I am strecthed so thin right now.
I dread my own home at the moment. It has gotten so extreme to the point where I dont want to bond with her anymore. I have spent the last 2 years doing so only to feel as though I've been turned on by them both. He has hardly been in my corner and now that hes inching towards it I find myself pushing him away, or inching further away from him because I am so resentful. I dont want to have to leave my relationship, or the person that has been such an important person in my life as a friend because mind you this is built on a very strong foundation of friendship, but that all changed when the title of her mom was put on my shoulders.
She started calling me mom because she was going through this copying phase with my child where she started living through him. All she talks about, all she consumes herself with is my son and his actions with what is starting to see as though she has no sense of self. I am starting to feel like she only calls me mom because she doesnt want to share me with my son when hes there, because when he isnt I am her enemy. And when I start to feel upset or hurt by it I become her dads enemy because he is so quick to jump to her defense instead of hearing me out.
I dont know if I have the patience to ride this out with what he is trying to fix. My hands are bleeding from trying to pick these broken pieces up and although I appreciate the bandages he is trying to put on them, it isnt healing the wound and I am still hurt that these wounds have gone unnoticed for this long anyways. I have tried bonding, I have tried girls days, I have tried loving her like she is my own, only to turn around and feeel guilty towards my child of investing so much of my time into something that is bringing me so much emotional turmoil. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way towards her, putting myself in his shoes imagining if this was being said about my child, but I wouldnt have let things go this far. I'm not a perfect mother but I am Mother enough to recognize that my sons actions and ways arent always correct and have always been open to those that address them with the intent of teaching or giving me insight on how to help him.
Bottom line, is the behavior, the antics, the subliminal gestures, its becoming so much that I feel trapped and hopeless. I have never witnessed a young child that can mimic and manipulate emotions and situations the way that my boyfriends daughter does and please I understand that she is only 4, but she is aware of her actions and what they are doing more than you think. I think that me being upset is beneficial to her because it causes a rift between her dad and I and her dad either takes her and leaves or teams up with her on me giving her a sense of control and power and that is exactly what she has.
This child has all of the power in my home and she knows it.
I am the adult and I honestly dont know what to do and I was hoping somebody could give me some insight, advice, or even an aswer because I am feeling extremely down and defeated right now.
First off, he should have her evaluated for fetal alcohol syndrome and other developmental issues, including trauma from the time she was with her mother. Then he need professional help in learning to parent her.
You don't have to stick around if he won't do that. It's not fair to your son.
I agree with Tog. Do you know if her mom was drinking during pregnancy? Is she in any kind of therapy? Three can be a very difficult age for children in normal circumstances, but possible FAS coupled with the trauma of losing her mom (even if she wasn't aware when BM died, being separated from bio mom at a young age can cause a lot of issues, google 'primal wound' for more info).
In any case, I'll tell you what I tell everyone. You cannot allow yourself to care more for your SD than her father does, doing so will only bring you heartache and possibly lead to your being blamed/resented for anything that goes wrong in her life. And I mean 'care' in both the emotional and the physical sense. It's perfectly fine to support your SO and help him make decisions about what needs to be done for her, but if you find yourself in the role of primary parent and decision maker, you need to step back and tell SO to step up. It isn't fair to you or your own child.
I have mentioned to him that I think she needs counseling but my response is "Well help me get her in there babe, if you think she needs help get her help." And my response... we all know what my response is as I'm sure yall know what your response would be. He thinks that it just her needing attention and she is just a child. In my defense I dont believe that to be a fair conclusion considering all of her actions and her behavior are all things that you can see are planned. For example, when she wakes up in the morning instead of politely coming in the bedroom and telling her dad shes awake if she wakes up before us, instead she will sit right in the crack of my door and start banging things or yelling or bouncing off of the walls. If I wake up in an irritated mood shes winning and thats how she sees it because it turns her dad on me because I am then in the light of the woman who cant stand her.
One day hes all for calling out her behavior and agreeing with me, the next I'm on the frontline of enemy lines. I dont doubt that he feels guilt from her mother passing, I can only imagine. I have only ever talked about her mother to him and to her in a positive light. But some days I ask him, why did you even want her to call me mom or want to be that to her if I was just going to be treated like I'm the evil stepmother. I have stuck by both of them through some extremely out of line behavior. Only have I ever tried to help her and now that I see it's only ever backfired I've completely disengaged from it. I find myself angry to be there, because anything that I do or move that I make is targeted by her need for attention and it's emotionally exhausting. It's also hearbreaking, knowing that I'm sacrificing feeling like this when I have a child of my own that I'm trying to be strong and happy for. My son is no angel to say the least, but my sons behaviors stem from the fact that hes a rowdy boy, not seeking to take out anyone that has my attention. He's never minded that she calls me mom or told her not to call me that, if anything he asks her to call me OUR MOM instead of HER MOM which is more than fair. Honestly I hate the way it sounds when she says MY MOM to my son as if I'm not his. Because when he isnt at our house she doesnt want anything to do with me or want to be her mom or even there. She always gets this smirk whenever shes created enough chaos in our house to push her dad out of the door with his frustration pointed towards me. "Let's go Dad I got my barbie let's go dad go go go go in her baby voice".
On top of that, she still is in diapers at night and she doesnt use the bathroom when shes in them she will stay in them until they fall off but tell us it was an accident or that she peed in the toilet when she clearly hasnt. She lies, a lot. Her behavior is so constant that I dont even like hearing myself point it out anymore because I'm annoyed at my own voice because it sounds like I'm constantly ragging her and I'm not trying to. I'm trying to bring it to light so it can be put to a stop before I'm forced to have to leave the man that I love. I'm aware that his daughter is here forever my wish is never that she isnt here or that she never was or that he didnt have children. I was excited at the thought of us raising our kids together since we've been friends for over half a decade.
I'm not sure why the dynamic changed when we took this step, or why when her Mother passed it was like everything I do on daily basis doesnt count for anything because I'm still here and she's the one that isnt. It makes it hard to not compare. To how he views my parenting vs hers, when she was absent the last year of her life and I was there everyday. Feeding her, changing her, teaching her, soothing her, giving her the room to decided what it was she needed from me and when she called me mom I guess I mistook that for her decision or what it was she actually needed or wanted from me. I think she wanted that because she saw my son having it.
Guys I'm really hurting over this.. I feel pathetic knowing that a little child has so much power when it comes to my emotions and my relationship and the thing is I'm not the one who can take that power back and I know that. I'm not the one that gave her that power, it's not my responsibility nor is it in my compability to fix this, I know he has to. But he is so brainwashed by all of it when it comes to her and his underlying guilt that it's making it damn near impossible. Some days I see the light other days I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel. Hell most days I dont even see the end of the tunnel anymore.
If you have any advice on approaches I could take towards this conversations or issue with him I wouldn appreciate all the feedback. I'm far from perfect and far from perfect as a mother I know this but I know that I keep trying as a mother should but where do I draw the line, how do I approach this with tenderness without offending anyone, how do I take back whatever power I can back and make it my own again, how do I feel at peace in my home again... just how... how.
Thank you for any and all responses to this and taking time out of your life to try to help me.
Crazy to come back to this post, I ended up leaving the situation seeing as it never truly improved. The behavior, the peeing situation, the interrupting, the lying, going as far as hurting herself and saying that my child did it when nobody was looking, to the point where I had to put cameras in the house to prove that I wasn't making things up. She started taking my things out of the bathroom and hiding them in her room. Along with sweets and stuff from the kitchen and lying about it. I just couldn't do it anymore. The constant chaos, not only could I not live in peace in my own house, it got to the point where I couldn't even live in peace in my own bedroom, because anytime her dad was in there she would sit next to my door and be purposely loud and disruptive until her dad finally had to come out, and whenever he would ask her to please go in her room or place somewhere else she would throw the biggest most dramatic temper tantrum's because she wasn't getting attention. And this was a reoccurring incident 24 hours a day seven days a week. He finally took her out of the diapers after her 6th birthday, now whenever she wants attention or is upset she wets her pants on purpose. Her dad cleans it up, changed her sheets and bedding, puts her in new clothes, bathes her, and doesn't have her participate in any of the responsibility of cleaning her messes. Which bothered me to watch.. because I felt like it was causing her to have no accountability for her actions. Then again discipline was never implemented because his excuse was "she just wants attention, she just wants more of your attention." And I tried explaining in the kindest way possible that yes, that is exactly why it is an issue. Being okay with your child having these destructive and toxic negative attention seeking behaviors should not to tended to.. it's sending the wrong message. By the time he had started to see all of the concerns I had expressed over the years, I was burnt out. I had nothing left to give either one of them.. which meant that I had nothing to give my own child either and that was my que to leave. Being angry and on edge all of the time, constantly having to defend myself or my son, having to explain parental common sense to a grown man... it became so unbearable. I couldn't give her what she needed, but I hope that they find someone who can. He was so set on replacing her mother after she passed that he lost sight of the fact that all she needed was for him to be an attentive and aware father. Yes losing her mother while she was a baby was very tragic, but it didn't need to become something that victimized her for the rest of her life. Instead of using that fuel to find her another mom that fuel should've been used to make sure she was going to be whole even if he didn't.. and quite honestly, I didn't feel comfortable taking the place of someone's mother, who didn't ask to have her life ended so soon. Her dying didn't erase the fact that THAT was STILL HER MOTHER. It hurt me so bad to see the people she loved handle the situation in that manner. It just felt cold to me. I would be heartbroken if it somebody did that to my child, to me, after my days were done. I would want my child to still know me. Still know that I'm his mom. That even death couldn't take that away from us. His daughter and her mother BOTH deserved that. And I deserved better too.. my child deserved better. So that's what I did, I did better and I left that toxic situation because sometimes things can't be fixed and you can't water a dead garden expecting it to grow.
Thank you to all you mamas out there that reply on these posts and offer advice or insight, along with your experiences. Being a mother isn't easy, and I think being a step parent is even harder sometimes. But y'all make it look easy.. god bless y'all ❤️ All of you.
Comments
Stepchildren & Toddlers.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We have been close friends for 7. He has a daughter who is 3 and I have a son who is almost 5. We have been apart of each others childrens life the whole ride as friends and now as partners. His daughters mother passed away almost 2 years ago, she was an absent mother towards the end of her life due to her alcoholism. I stepped upn as the active role in her life, she doesnt have much recolection of her mother, she does call me mom. So heres the long story short. His daughter is now 4 and has become very competitive with me. Whenever I make a sound in my home it is overthrown by her loud sounds or attempts in interupting my conversations or even sentences with her Dad. When my son is around she doesnt want my son having her dad or my attention seeing as she needs both of ours and frequently incriminates my son saying that hes doing this or that hes doing that..he cant even attempt to play with her without it being some sort of issue or drama scheme. We have had issues with her peeing her pants for the last year. Including peeing all over my house, my sons stuff, herself, constantly. Yes she knew how to use the bathroom but chose this route anyway, my guess is it's for attention. She seems to have absolutely no awareness of what shes doing even though its very obvious to me that she knows what shes doing seeing as she thinks that its funny to do these kinds of things whenever she sees that I'm upset or discomforted by her actions. She is constantly hanging off of her dad, needing to be right there every second she hears him or me make a sound, going as far as ignoring or disrespecting me because in the past all that its ever gotten me is her father upset with me for being upset with her. Its starting to feeel like I will never live in peace and I am losing hope. When my son comes over to our house it is nothing cut chaos and I seperate myself now from the situation so my child doesnt end up with an irritated mom for the time that he's with me and I have started to go stay at my sons fathers house on the nights that I have him because its the only other trustworthy place I will bring him where I know he is loved and safe. I know that if I keep myself in the midst of the chaos and constant attention seeking behavior and antics that overwhelm her dad and I that it never ends well on my end, because of course I am the evil biased step mother in these moments.
It is becoming so severe that no matter what I do I cant escape this when I'm there. There has been no boundaries since I have been with him, when it comes to his and his daughters relationship. Therefore my boundaries have always been a battle to respect. It's taken almost 2 years of torment and emotionally draining me as a partner and mother with these insane expectations that have been put on me to be her mother but when I try I am biased, for him to start to realize that I am not crazy. He now is trying to reverse these behaviors in her with little luck but I am trying my hardest to be patient because at least hes trying now... right? I want to agree with that but it's very hard to do so, considering I am strecthed so thin right now.
I dread my own home at the moment. It has gotten so extreme to the point where I dont want to bond with her anymore. I have spent the last 2 years doing so only to feel as though I've been turned on by them both. He has hardly been in my corner and now that hes inching towards it I find myself pushing him away, or inching further away from him because I am so resentful. I dont want to have to leave my relationship, or the person that has been such an important person in my life as a friend because mind you this is built on a very strong foundation of friendship, but that all changed when the title of her mom was put on my shoulders.
She started calling me mom because she was going through this copying phase with my child where she started living through him. All she talks about, all she consumes herself with is my son and his actions with what is starting to see as though she has no sense of self. I am starting to feel like she only calls me mom because she doesnt want to share me with my son when hes there, because when he isnt I am her enemy. And when I start to feel upset or hurt by it I become her dads enemy because he is so quick to jump to her defense instead of hearing me out.
I dont know if I have the patience to ride this out with what he is trying to fix. My hands are bleeding from trying to pick these broken pieces up and although I appreciate the bandages he is trying to put on them, it isnt healing the wound and I am still hurt that these wounds have gone unnoticed for this long anyways. I have tried bonding, I have tried girls days, I have tried loving her like she is my own, only to turn around and feeel guilty towards my child of investing so much of my time into something that is bringing me so much emotional turmoil. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way towards her, putting myself in his shoes imagining if this was being said about my child, but I wouldnt have let things go this far. I'm not a perfect mother but I am Mother enough to recognize that my sons actions and ways arent always correct and have always been open to those that address them with the intent of teaching or giving me insight on how to help him.
Bottom line, is the behavior, the antics, the subliminal gestures, its becoming so much that I feel trapped and hopeless. I have never witnessed a young child that can mimic and manipulate emotions and situations the way that my boyfriends daughter does and please I understand that she is only 4, but she is aware of her actions and what they are doing more than you think. I think that me being upset is beneficial to her because it causes a rift between her dad and I and her dad either takes her and leaves or teams up with her on me giving her a sense of control and power and that is exactly what she has.
This child has all of the power in my home and she knows it.
I am the adult and I honestly dont know what to do and I was hoping somebody could give me some insight, advice, or even an aswer because I am feeling extremely down and defeated right now.
Thank you all, I appreciate you
First off, he should have her
First off, he should have her evaluated for fetal alcohol syndrome and other developmental issues, including trauma from the time she was with her mother. Then he need professional help in learning to parent her.
You don't have to stick around if he won't do that. It's not fair to your son.
I agree with Tog. Do you know
I agree with Tog. Do you know if her mom was drinking during pregnancy? Is she in any kind of therapy? Three can be a very difficult age for children in normal circumstances, but possible FAS coupled with the trauma of losing her mom (even if she wasn't aware when BM died, being separated from bio mom at a young age can cause a lot of issues, google 'primal wound' for more info).
In any case, I'll tell you what I tell everyone. You cannot allow yourself to care more for your SD than her father does, doing so will only bring you heartache and possibly lead to your being blamed/resented for anything that goes wrong in her life. And I mean 'care' in both the emotional and the physical sense. It's perfectly fine to support your SO and help him make decisions about what needs to be done for her, but if you find yourself in the role of primary parent and decision maker, you need to step back and tell SO to step up. It isn't fair to you or your own child.
I have mentioned to him that
I have mentioned to him that I think she needs counseling but my response is "Well help me get her in there babe, if you think she needs help get her help." And my response... we all know what my response is as I'm sure yall know what your response would be. He thinks that it just her needing attention and she is just a child. In my defense I dont believe that to be a fair conclusion considering all of her actions and her behavior are all things that you can see are planned. For example, when she wakes up in the morning instead of politely coming in the bedroom and telling her dad shes awake if she wakes up before us, instead she will sit right in the crack of my door and start banging things or yelling or bouncing off of the walls. If I wake up in an irritated mood shes winning and thats how she sees it because it turns her dad on me because I am then in the light of the woman who cant stand her.
One day hes all for calling out her behavior and agreeing with me, the next I'm on the frontline of enemy lines. I dont doubt that he feels guilt from her mother passing, I can only imagine. I have only ever talked about her mother to him and to her in a positive light. But some days I ask him, why did you even want her to call me mom or want to be that to her if I was just going to be treated like I'm the evil stepmother. I have stuck by both of them through some extremely out of line behavior. Only have I ever tried to help her and now that I see it's only ever backfired I've completely disengaged from it. I find myself angry to be there, because anything that I do or move that I make is targeted by her need for attention and it's emotionally exhausting. It's also hearbreaking, knowing that I'm sacrificing feeling like this when I have a child of my own that I'm trying to be strong and happy for. My son is no angel to say the least, but my sons behaviors stem from the fact that hes a rowdy boy, not seeking to take out anyone that has my attention. He's never minded that she calls me mom or told her not to call me that, if anything he asks her to call me OUR MOM instead of HER MOM which is more than fair. Honestly I hate the way it sounds when she says MY MOM to my son as if I'm not his. Because when he isnt at our house she doesnt want anything to do with me or want to be her mom or even there. She always gets this smirk whenever shes created enough chaos in our house to push her dad out of the door with his frustration pointed towards me. "Let's go Dad I got my barbie let's go dad go go go go in her baby voice".
On top of that, she still is in diapers at night and she doesnt use the bathroom when shes in them she will stay in them until they fall off but tell us it was an accident or that she peed in the toilet when she clearly hasnt. She lies, a lot. Her behavior is so constant that I dont even like hearing myself point it out anymore because I'm annoyed at my own voice because it sounds like I'm constantly ragging her and I'm not trying to. I'm trying to bring it to light so it can be put to a stop before I'm forced to have to leave the man that I love. I'm aware that his daughter is here forever my wish is never that she isnt here or that she never was or that he didnt have children. I was excited at the thought of us raising our kids together since we've been friends for over half a decade.
I'm not sure why the dynamic changed when we took this step, or why when her Mother passed it was like everything I do on daily basis doesnt count for anything because I'm still here and she's the one that isnt. It makes it hard to not compare. To how he views my parenting vs hers, when she was absent the last year of her life and I was there everyday. Feeding her, changing her, teaching her, soothing her, giving her the room to decided what it was she needed from me and when she called me mom I guess I mistook that for her decision or what it was she actually needed or wanted from me. I think she wanted that because she saw my son having it.
Guys I'm really hurting over this.. I feel pathetic knowing that a little child has so much power when it comes to my emotions and my relationship and the thing is I'm not the one who can take that power back and I know that. I'm not the one that gave her that power, it's not my responsibility nor is it in my compability to fix this, I know he has to. But he is so brainwashed by all of it when it comes to her and his underlying guilt that it's making it damn near impossible. Some days I see the light other days I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel. Hell most days I dont even see the end of the tunnel anymore.
If you have any advice on approaches I could take towards this conversations or issue with him I wouldn appreciate all the feedback. I'm far from perfect and far from perfect as a mother I know this but I know that I keep trying as a mother should but where do I draw the line, how do I approach this with tenderness without offending anyone, how do I take back whatever power I can back and make it my own again, how do I feel at peace in my home again... just how... how.
Thank you for any and all responses to this and taking time out of your life to try to help me.
My heart sees you and my heart appreciates you.
From one tired Mom, to another.
I left.
Crazy to come back to this post, I ended up leaving the situation seeing as it never truly improved. The behavior, the peeing situation, the interrupting, the lying, going as far as hurting herself and saying that my child did it when nobody was looking, to the point where I had to put cameras in the house to prove that I wasn't making things up. She started taking my things out of the bathroom and hiding them in her room. Along with sweets and stuff from the kitchen and lying about it. I just couldn't do it anymore. The constant chaos, not only could I not live in peace in my own house, it got to the point where I couldn't even live in peace in my own bedroom, because anytime her dad was in there she would sit next to my door and be purposely loud and disruptive until her dad finally had to come out, and whenever he would ask her to please go in her room or place somewhere else she would throw the biggest most dramatic temper tantrum's because she wasn't getting attention. And this was a reoccurring incident 24 hours a day seven days a week. He finally took her out of the diapers after her 6th birthday, now whenever she wants attention or is upset she wets her pants on purpose. Her dad cleans it up, changed her sheets and bedding, puts her in new clothes, bathes her, and doesn't have her participate in any of the responsibility of cleaning her messes. Which bothered me to watch.. because I felt like it was causing her to have no accountability for her actions. Then again discipline was never implemented because his excuse was "she just wants attention, she just wants more of your attention." And I tried explaining in the kindest way possible that yes, that is exactly why it is an issue. Being okay with your child having these destructive and toxic negative attention seeking behaviors should not to tended to.. it's sending the wrong message. By the time he had started to see all of the concerns I had expressed over the years, I was burnt out. I had nothing left to give either one of them.. which meant that I had nothing to give my own child either and that was my que to leave. Being angry and on edge all of the time, constantly having to defend myself or my son, having to explain parental common sense to a grown man... it became so unbearable. I couldn't give her what she needed, but I hope that they find someone who can. He was so set on replacing her mother after she passed that he lost sight of the fact that all she needed was for him to be an attentive and aware father. Yes losing her mother while she was a baby was very tragic, but it didn't need to become something that victimized her for the rest of her life. Instead of using that fuel to find her another mom that fuel should've been used to make sure she was going to be whole even if he didn't.. and quite honestly, I didn't feel comfortable taking the place of someone's mother, who didn't ask to have her life ended so soon. Her dying didn't erase the fact that THAT was STILL HER MOTHER. It hurt me so bad to see the people she loved handle the situation in that manner. It just felt cold to me. I would be heartbroken if it somebody did that to my child, to me, after my days were done. I would want my child to still know me. Still know that I'm his mom. That even death couldn't take that away from us. His daughter and her mother BOTH deserved that. And I deserved better too.. my child deserved better. So that's what I did, I did better and I left that toxic situation because sometimes things can't be fixed and you can't water a dead garden expecting it to grow.
Thank you to all you mamas out there that reply on these posts and offer advice or insight, along with your experiences. Being a mother isn't easy, and I think being a step parent is even harder sometimes. But y'all make it look easy.. god bless y'all ❤️ All of you.