It still bites when DH goes to see OSD and his ex is always there...
Today the OSD texts DH to say they are coming to our area for the day with her two kids to go to local amusement park. We are in the creek clearing out a downed tree and he doesn't see the message right away. They finally arrange to meet around 5 or so at the park. Earlier I asked him if his ex was going along. Right before he left I asked again. He said she was. I must have had an attitude look on my face cause then he said ' he could have lied about her going along'.
So to be clear. There is nothing going on with DH and the ex. The problem is the only time he sees OSD's kids it is at a birthday party or such where the ex and the other grandparents are always there. So he has no real one on one interaction time with the kids. It is his own doing too because he does not plan any time outside of those events. And when OSD comes to our area she never plans time with DH to do things with just him like going to the amusement park (without her mom along).
And earlier when he told me about the spontaneous trip here by OSD he said I could go along to the park too. I said sure like I want to go see someone who has been hating on me. That is when he said 'OSD thinks she has done nothing wrong against me'. So of course she is the innocent victim and I am the bad SM for banning her and the other two grown daughters from my home. (The other two definitely did some things ban worthy). OSD has too but chooses to forget. Or maybe she thinks I have. Anyway. Just tired of my husband constantly defending his precious adult spawn to me rather than ever considering my feelings in the whole mess.
Rather than rock the boat with people he barely ever sees, who never ask 'how are you doing dad', he would rather rock my boat. I would prefer never to hear any of their names again. Yet out of the blue on a nice weekend here I am again on Steptalk. Actually I read every day...but have been trying to move on and get on with my life.
I wrote him a note about how I feel for when he gets home. Time for some ice cream and a movie with the pups.
I think it is always going to hurt on some level when he goes to play happy family. ( he says he does not talk to the ex). But she probably talks to him. They all run their mouths non stop. And he will just stand their and take it. I don't want to see any of them ever again. It would just be nice to have a way to cope when this all comes up. Hard to do when it is last minute.
I am babysitting the grand dog this weekend. So will get to see my DS,DIL and DGD2 tomorrow for a bit when they pick up their dog. And they say they will come back to stay over in a couple weeks to visit. Trying to focus on the positive.
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Yes I did say how would he
Yes I did say how would he feel if I hung out with my ex ( who is single again) and his two little kids. Then DH gaslights me with bringing up a time several years ago when we were all at a party for my DIL and ' I was talking to my ex'. Actually I had gone to the food table and my ex talked to me. He was telling me about his Dad who had just had a stroke recently. Why does DH even bring this up except to gaslight me and excuse his own actions.
Going to certain events like Gskids birthdays is one thing. I know the BM and herd of other relatives will be there. But a spontaneous trip to the amusement park with the BM along is a different matter. It would not fly with him if I did it.
I don't allow DH to do
I don't allow DH to do anything "as a family" with the ex. 6 years ago he tried to go with her to the store to get some stuff for her house. Unacceptable. I am his family.
I agree with this. I thought
I agree with this. I thought my DH did too. As when we first got together we agreed not to socialize with ex relationships. I had to call him on it several years ago when the BM was constantly calling or texted about some drama with the adult skids. He finally got it then but is backsliding in this instance.
Heck there were some guys I dated before DH that I was friends with. Yet I lost their numbers when we agreed to not talk with or socialize with past exs.
I am DH's family too. Just don't feel like it now.
My DH and BM used to take the
My DH and BM used to take the kids out together on Halloween with her new husband and DH's ex gf. When we first got together, we were in town that Halloween and she tried that. I put a stop to it and she knows not to even ask.
My DH used to go to the BM s
My DH used to go to the BM s house on Christmas Eve to give the grown over 18 kids their gifts. Even after we had been together almost a year they wanted it to stay the same. I objected. Even the next year the skids thought that would be ok and I could go along. I objected again. Why the hell would I want to spend my holiday with his ex?
The spoiled rottenness and entitlement of these skids is over the top.
No it is not working. As two
No it is not working. As two days later I am still upset. But just feeling numb and detached.
I would have loved to take the dogs and leave. But it was already evening when he left and I had no idea when he was coming back. Plus it would have been our two pups and my grand dog who I was watching. A bit too much too handle on my own.
Perhaps will go next time this happens, just head to the casino or something.
As it was I texted him to pick up cat food on his way home. We needed it anyway. Other than that I did not answer his calls. I hate it when he calls on the way back from being with them.
If seeing his daughter and
If seeing his daughter and grandchildren was really important to him, he would make his own plans to do so, that did not involve his ex being there.
My DH would just as soon set his balls on fire than be around his ex-wife. I am really lucky in that respect!
Yes you are very lucky. My DH
Yes you are very lucky.
My DH avoids confronting the skids on their behavior.
He seems only comfortable with me to be defensive of them.
It leaves me feeling cold towards him.
What you are dealing with is
What you are dealing with is something abnormal in your world but normal in his. They do not make plans. Any of them. They do not communicate except when they are face to face. This is how they are. So getting pissy about people who are basically aliens to you is pointless.
You want your DH to make a grand gesture and say "Well! I don't hear from you
EVER. Your mother is always around and we don't get to talk between ourselves and you hate my wife because you were awful to her and she called you out on it. So NO! I am staying home with my wife rather than see my grandchildren. So THERE!
He won't. He will never ever do this very high school behaviour. And as long as you get pissy about him seeing his daughter with her supporting cast of thousands (because they travel in a pack) he will continue to judge you as he does now.
So tell him "Enjoy!" And leave it as that. When my SS#1 was in jail for 60 days I went and saw him once and vowed to DH I would never go again. It was embarrassing and demeaning and awful. DH was welcome to see his son whenever he wanted to. Not me. I wasn't annoyed he DID go. This is his son. Same with your DH. This is his daughter. You don't get to dictate how their family dynamics work. So they all talk over each other. You aren't there so why do you care? You don't want SD in your house and she isn't there. SD brings her mother or in-laws with her everywhere... so what? You aren't there. So let it go.
Do not sit at home sulking and being vengeful. Just go out and do something fun. Come home later. Tell DH what you did and when he tells you what his day was like say "That's nice." and leave it as that. Make your home the place he wants to come home to. And then he will stay home more.
Yes this is all true. Our
Yes this is all true.
Our home is the place he wants to be. We are both home bodies.
He does not like to go places without me. Not even work trips.
I tell him all the time. Go visit them. Plan a time when you can see the grids without the herd there.
He does not follow thru. The man has six weeks vacation time a year.
I enjoy time at home alone...so go.
But he does not enjoy the time away.
The issue is not the skids being there, or even the last minute of their invite.
It is the BM being there when as I replied above, we both agreed years ago to not socialize with the ex's. Other than the required
Family event parties. This was his request in the beginning as he did not want me even talking to ex boyfriends on the phone.
Then his pissy statement he made about he could have lied that she would not be there really got me. What else might he lie about?
^^^^THIS.
^^^^THIS.
Thank you for the reply.
Thank you for the reply. Yes I understand he has moved on from what happened to cause the rift. He keeps saying I should let it go. Yet as it did not happen to him then he does not get how it has affected me.
Some of what you say I perhaps answered in replies above regarding social time with the BM included outside of herd party events.
I did not mind the spontaneous invite. I can entertain myself and enjoy time alone at home.
Part of the issue is that I have been saying all year that I wanted to go to this park regular this summer to help train and socialize our pups. We have not done so once. DH will not make a plan to go with me...but will drop everything to meet his DD and BM and Gskids.
I even said yesterday lets go over today as he has the day off and the park would be less crowded. And he will not agree.
It is a nice shady park and near our home. I am not even saying we would be there more than an hour or so. Walk the dogs, get some food. Leave.
So it does sting when he will not go do this with me but will take off on the spur of the moment like he did Saturday.
I agree my world is too small. My family lives two hours away. Perhaps if this happens again I will hop in the car for a spontaneous visit to them. If my ex is around...all the better. Kidding.
Yes Sally! You got it. As
Yes Sally! You got it. As usual you cut right to the heart of the matter. Thanks...this brightened my morning. A bit of validation!