How old are your skids?

The crazy pants BM tried this type of nonsense over here too.  I think it’s chapter 3 of the Crazy BM handbook.

My SO and I got to the point where we laughed about the gift giving nonsense, thanked the kids then let the stuff clearly from BM just disappear.  The cute things clearly from the kids we kept.

She did keep it up for a year or two.  But with no reaction from us, and no reciprocal gifts and certainly no thank you from my SO, I think she got fed up with spending her money.

Ignore your BMs behaviour, learn to find it funny to save your sanity, and like all attention seeking behaviour it will stop.

But show it gets to you or your SO in any way and she’ll continue it because you’ll be rewarding her with what she wants: proof she is still relevant in your SOs life.  After all, even negative responses still gives her the attention she wants.

Hang in there!

Sounds like BM is still carrying a torch for DH. Did he leave her? How long have they been divorced?

He should ignore it as much as possible, maybe it will extinguish itself. If not he may have to set a limit but I wouldn’t rush to that. Trust me, you don’t want BM’s hatred any more than you want this type of behavior.

All you can do is not be insecure about it. Just find it funny and sad rather than threatening.

This is his baggage to carry and manage, not yours.  Its is not your responsibility to put her in her place, its HIS.  Think of it this way, if it weren't for him, BM would NOT be in your life.  

She is still attatched and is trying these things to stay relevant in his eyes.  They are moves from a desperate woman.    

You need to figure out how find the reassurance that HE has your back and that your marriage is first and foremost in his mind,  the fact that HE entertains her nonsense is the root of your anger.  Get him to understand that, and to show you that he on board and I bet your anger softens and you can watch her attempts as comedy.  He should be willing to see your side and not put the job on you to deal with her.  

My DH sent BM an email calling her out on her games, why she's doing them, (our case was PAS) and telling flat out that he left her, not the skids.  She must have read it as the drama died down and seeing it in black and white with her own eyes that he was through with her made a change.  Now she runs from him!  LOL  Long time coming and the last skid aged out in June.  No more needed reason to talk.  

If and when he puts her on notice, she will escalate until she understands he means it.  Would you want more of this nonsense?  Is this enough to handle as it is?  

This is common with HCBMs. 

"He wants me to put her in her place, I want HIM to put her in her place"

You are right. HE needs to stop this behavior.

When it happened with us my SO put HCBM on notice. He simply said 'Please do not buy me gifts. If skids want to pick something out for me they can ask Dys and she will help facilitate that.'

The first time she did it after that conversation he handed the gift back and said again 'Please stop. I already talked with skids and told them they can shop with Dys if they like.'

And the last time when she tried to sneak the gift into the car he said 'Enough! I already asked you politely to stop' then turned to skids (because of course they were in the car as I am sure she thought he wouldn't say anything with them in earshot) and said 'If you want to get me a gift ask Dys and she will take you'. Then he drove off.

Angry texts came in immediately after that went ignored. But he never got another gift again

I do want to add...

This didn't happen because my SO recognized it was inappropriate. I have said before, many times, men are not that smart. I actually had to point out, forcefully, that it was wrong. And when he still didn't get it, I decided to announce that I was buying cute neighbor a gift. Ding ding ding light bulb moment! (after angry outburst while I giggled and asked isn't it the same thing?). SCORE! 

Toxic Troll would like to text DH happy birthday and happy new year, and merry christmas, early mornings during our "cuddle time", and would give him cards, etc. She also liked sharing the intimate details of her sex life and dating life with DH. I told him, thats inappropriate, please tell her you are not interesed its not your business. She would text him what he called "zingers" and what I call sexually suggestive comments, and I told him "hey tell her that kind of chit is inappropriate!!!" She thought it was cute and funny, and told him "well good thing my boyfriend isnt jealous, like CLove!!!" Like I could be jealous of that malicious trashy cow, but anyway, he just said that it was disrespectful to his partner, and please stop.

She did.

Toxic Troll, just last year after tax return money came in, asked him if she could borrow his truck to haul furniture and could he also measure her apartment to see if her planned purchases would fit. I asked him to tell her no. He called her and said that "CLove is not happy with him helping her in that way". She said a snotty "fine" and hung up. 

Its all about setting boundaries. DH threw me under the bus using me as a reason, instead of just saying no without giving reason, but at least she now knows where some boundaries are, that are not to be crossed. He has since sold his truck, and now no one asks to borrow a vehicle for hauling purposes.

This all happened when he and I were living together as partners, and now we are married. She no longer has a boyfriend, has been dating and is pretty much out of our lives. The day we eloped, Toxic Troll did manage to text him things like "hope your third time is the charm for you!" Because they were married at city hall and then a public ceremony in front of family.

I know I am not his first, but I am his last and his BEST. You are his last and his best, just remember that. BMs, when they are toxic, will always try to stay relevant and always try to get in there. Dont let her know she has rattled you. Sounds like you have a rough road ahead.

What were the circumstances of their separation/divorce? Toxic Troll cheated on DH, and lied, and was verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.

It sounds like he likes the attention, and it sounds like he wants you two fighting over him. Why do YOU have to put her in her place?! Ya, don’t do that. 

She has very young kids with him, and it is very soon after- she most likely isn’t over it, and it sounds so soon that most likely he isn’t really either? Not meaning that he is going to end things with you to run over there, but having a kid is emotional and everything obviously happened quickly.... it would pretty much be impossible to be fully past it all.

i would just wait it out, give it some more time and stay neutral. No point in starting a big war with her... you 2 will have to deal with one another for a long time to come. Being neutral is easiest for you.

i would more so keep a close eye on him, it seems like he makes erratic decisions, and evades consequences and taking responsibility on some level (ie, asking you to put her in her place).

Here is the thing. A lot of times we blame them bio mom and forget about the bio dad. If bio keeps allowing bullshit you will be waddling in it for yrs. Also watch how he handles things, maybe you some day. I watched how my ex handled his kids and the bio moms and kid you not he tried that same bullshit on me. I was like NOT! When he asked later why I was so harsh basically why I wasn't a pushover like his other bms I told him, " I already made a mistake having a kid with a dude who had 3 different kids with different moms. I sure as hell was going to make sure you remembered me!"