An enemy spy in our house
So as we go through our evaluation for a move away the evaluator asks dh about one of his businesses. This particualr business has never been mentioned to anyone except one time we were in a bind and had to take sd9 with us. Other than that we sensor what we say in front of her and do not discuss our life and business affairs while she is in the house. So the evaluator knowing to ask dh about this particular business means sd9 is actually an enemy spy planted by bm in our house. Yea!
We also found out that dh mom is an enemy spy as well so we do not talk about our life and business affairs with her either. Dh mom is a bm and gran bm lover unfortunately as well and intentionally tries to stir up drama. I gave her a firm reprimand for it and she seems to have calmed down on the gossip a bit.
It’s so infuriating that I’m being spied on in my own household! One of the many aspects of step parenting I did not know I was getting myself into. Ugh!
Do I need to have dh tell sd9 that what happens in our house stays in our house and she is not to discuss our household with bm or dh mom? What have you done to put a stop to this?
- Lizzylemon's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
No, don't tell her that. All
No, don't tell her that. All you can do is be very certain you don't talk about things in front of her that you don't want BM to know.
She's 9 - don't put her in the middle of her parents' disagreements. It's not spying for her to tell BM what she did with her father on visitation time, including visiting his business.
But it is spying when there is a daily detailed report style
recount of what they did and are grilled by bio mum and alot of us have bio mums who actively the moment they get their kids back have kids report in detail everything as a means to bitch back to exhubby or use it to take him to court and inflict more pain
heck the moment my 2 sd’s were in the car they were conditioned by bio mum to report to us what they did at bio mums house and what bio mum and stepdad did and how they told bio mum what we did, where we went, what we talked about, what we’re like and what we were wearing etc....then sd’s would tell us what their mum and stepdad commented on the above when they were with us.
that is an invasion of privacy and we never ask sd’s this info, they volunteer it because they have been brainwashed and conditioned by bio mum to report to her. They are spies for her.
i agree kids should never be brought into adult issues but so many bio mums are such violators of this basic thing. Bio mum here has eldest daughter send messages from mum meant to be for hubby. They’re so inappropriate and she should not be in the middle and sd23.5 will continually bombard hubby with “see see daddy, mum has changed, see her message she asked me to forward you!!” All it was is a bunch of waffling crap.
unfortunately having the kids being spies is a part of their narcissistic and alienating traits, they need the covert info to inflict more pain. There is no such thing as reapect for privacy and boundaries.
the fact bio mum ask whats going on continually shows that. It should be enough that kids are dropped off and they clearly have been fed, showered and in clean clothes and had homework done. Bio mum doesn’t need to know what they did with daddy and his whore (which is what alot of bio mums refer to the current wife as) and where they went just to 1 up daddy and his wife
She's a child. And thinking
She's a child. And thinking of the other parent as "the enemy" is part of the problem.
Will kids who are aligned with the other parent snoop and tell them everything? Yes, my SS did it. And BM told HIM never to tell us anything.
But I think BM is a nutjob and I don't want to be like her. So we didn't tell him things we didn't want her to know, but didn't view him as "an enemy spy".
Its not thinking of the other parent as the enemy
Even if its a child, they need to be taught its not ok to snoop and a total disrespect of people’s boundaries and privacy or this will escalate to them covertly taking videos or photos of stepparent and other kids (nothing to do with bio mum and none of them consented to having themselves videoed or photographed)
i mean there have been posts here of stepkids taking pics of stepparent and the young half siblings just to forward to bio mum because she needs to know whats going on. Covertly video calling bio mum to show whats going on between bio dad and stepmum.
kids need to be taught thats not ok and what bio mum does tell them to do to spy on dad isn’t ok. Stepparents and other family members not related to the biomum are entitled to have their privacy and not have pics and videos of them sent to bio mum without permisst and not be forced to tip toe around a stepkid they know is spying for bio mum
i even have refused to attend any stepkid meets for this exact reason. But bio mum is beyond batshit crazy going to with drs to do black magic and her kids still think she’s a good person
Aggravating
One of the most aggravating things about being a SM is that SSs report everything back to BM. Before they come to our house, I make sure that all paperwork and mail is safely upstairs in our room. DH and I also don't talk about a lot of things when SSs are at our house.
MIL is also a spy. She shares things that she shouldn't. So again, she is kept at arms length.
It's super aggravating, but in our case, saying something (to either MIL or SSs) will only lead to more sharing with BM. During one contentious mediation, DH specifically asked MIL to limit contact with BM and I swear, she called her up the very next day to have a long chat.
Wow all ridiculous situations!
Ok so I’ll just remind dh not to talk about anything in front of sd9. My paperwork is in my filing cabinet and I think I’ll put a lock on there. At this time sd9 can’t really read so I have a little time to get that done lol
I do hide my purse in the top of my closet and do not allow sd9 in my room already. She hasn’t even be taught how to flush a toilet let alone morals and values so I take precautions lol
anything else I need to do to guard information or valuables? Thanks so much for your help!
Whoa!
She can't read or doesn't know to flush a toilet at 9?! Not sure is you were being sarcastic or not but I surely hope so. If she can't read at 9, she needs to be tested for developmental delays.
My favorite:
nanny cams. Because you just never know if the little spy is doing anything else, and little spies grow into bigger spies, sometimes.
I had a talk with munchkin a year ago, and told that we would really appreciate it if our business stays at our house and BMs business stays at her house. We just bought our house that we are living in and were renting, and we want to keep some joy about things, instead of having Toxic Troll BM and SD20 Feral Forger hurling their insults.
Other than that, we text back and forth at home if its private, and we have the "man cave" garage and close the door.
Just lock up your stuff like
Just lock up your stuff like you mentioned, and you and H DO NOT talk about anything that you don't want SD privy too. If possible I'd have all conversations when she's not there. Put up all paperwork and anything else that you think would peek her interest and share with BM. It's a damn shame that you have to do this but better safe than sorry.
My SS11 is a spy too. I make
My SS11 is a spy too. I make sure now to keep everything as boring as possible, so he has nothing interesting to report back. I rarely engage in conversation with him, instead I busy myself with my two little ones. I also never talk about anything other than the weather and what we're having for dinner and "wow look at how beautiful the fall leaves are" type of thing with my DH. We've also agreed to not get involved or allow SS to follow us/friend us on social media (though DH only has a private Instagram acct he barely uses).
Don't give any intel that she may find interesting.
I’m planning to do the same
I get it! I have a “no photos of people” policy in my house so I don’t have to have ptsd every time I look at a picture of the skid. It’s sad, as I would love to have happy photos of dh and I but can’t deal with photos of the skid.
Yes we also do not tell her about our vacations. Dh got butt hurt the other day when I told him I would not ever leave his kid alone in my house since she hasn’t been raised with morals or values.
I don’t even go on any errands with the skid because she enjoys looking like a homeless feral child while I’m here in my lulu lol every time I take her back to bm I think “back to the ghetto you go” lol
SS never has had a key to our
SS never has had a key to our house, and knew nothing about our lives until AFTER we did whatever it was. It was necessary to protect our privacy. But I didn't see him as an "enemy spy", just as a kid being manipulated and pressured by his mother.
Your DH is butt hurt because
Your DH is butt hurt because you pointed out HIS failure as a parent. This is not 100% on BM. Your DH is also to blame. HE can teach SD how to flush a toilet, for pity's sake.
When Killjoy15 was young and
When Killjoy15 was young and I still had a sense of humor, we had a lot of fun with the spying issue. DH and I would go on about the expensive [fictional] speedboat I was going to buy him and whatnot. You can have a lot of fun with that.
As time went on, it got old and I really felt stalked in my own home. Satan is a murderous psychopath, and she knew my living habits. Who I talk to, what I eat, what I wear, what I watch, what we talk about, how often I bathe, etc. It's creepy AF.
It's part of the reason I kicked her out. She knows her mother is malicious and wishes us harm, she's old enough to know better, and on some level she knows what kind of evil person her mother is. She is old enough also to distance herself from that, but she chooses not to. In fact, she aligns herself with that, and I refuse to live with people I cannot trust.
Once we got custody of Spawn
Once we got custody of Spawn our private lives became public record for Meth Mouth and Grand Hag.
We couldn't buy anything, go anywhere, do anything without Spawn reporting it all back to Meth Mouth, who would then in turn file to take DH back to court. Purchased a new sofa for the living room...reported, and court order filed. Went on a trip to D-Land, reported and court order filed.
When Spawn moved out for good I cried knowing I could live my life and do things without worrying my every little move was under a microscope.
ETA: if DH even asked Spawn how her weekend was with Meth Mouth and Grand Hag there was the stock answer "It was fine." If DH would ask anything more then Spawn would say he was prying and was he just looking to get information.
This is very common sadly
The CP (usually a HCGUBM) will want a FULL report of what went on during NCP's parenting time ESPECIALLY if there is a SM involved. The skids will be pumped for info using leading questions.
"Did anything BAAAAAAD happen when you were at your father's and that woman's house???!!!"
"Did you have a good tiiiime?" ( the correct and desired answer to this question would be "no.")
Thank you!
Ok good! Thanks for everyone’s advice! You guys are awesome!