Eating disorder in SD? When is this childhood ever going to end?
SD is 19yo and suffers from an eating disorder. My husband is starting to grapple with the challenge. I guess like so many other step spouses, I have all of the responsibility and very little authority. I thought that once older step kids grew up, our marriage would be become about us. Now with step daughter's eating disorder that is not going to happen. I am generally the one who disciplines the younger kids (my bio kids with husband). I have made it clear to husband and SD that she will not come over and restrict in front of us, now she is expected to eat and generally has been. However I can't stand the sight of her. I feel as if she continues to usurp my husband's time and behave like a child (eating disorders are famous for the regression they cause). So this weekend, we are all off to a movie, bioson, myself and husband. SD calls husband and wants to meet us. Initially it looks like there won't be enough time for her to make the movie until I see her walk in. Now I am stuck. I have no option to leave. I was not happy. I tried not to be unpleasant but I couldn't muster any pleasantries either. My husband uniformly thinks she is the perfect child except for the fact she is anorexic, she gets good grades and is nice to everyone.... :sick:, I told him last night, I am tired of feeling this way. Its not fair to me that I must bring this angry, lonely person to our marriage....I wanted more than this and SD seems to be getting it.
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Getting in touch with my anger
I have done a lot of reading at the Step Parent forum. Good to know I am suffering from a common ailment. I think I was ashamed to confront the fact I am just plain flat jealous of a child and expected myself to be a whole lot bigger than that. I remember the day I brought my bioson home from the hospital, my husband took SD and SS to the movies! Thankfully my mother was there to help me. There are a variety of examples such as that. I remember when his son moved to college, I was relieved, now I finally wouldn't have to experience the invisibility which came with each visit. I think that is my biggest issue right now with SD. I had envisioned a life with my husband where I didn't feel like a third wheel in my own home. Given SD's illness and closeness to my husband, I have some disengaging to do and some limits I need to enforce. I think the first one will be that I am no longer going to participate in paying for anything. SD is not a child, I will not be paying for anything. That feels good. The second thing that I think I need to address is that in my own home, I need to be in on any plans...if SD/SS is coming over for a visit, I should be consulted first. Who knows, it may not be a convenient time for a visit, (imaging that). Third, I am going to insist that I be in the know with any family issues whether they involve SD/SS or not and lastly, when SS or SD come to visit, I will not accept being invisible. I have decided when SD/SS comes to visit, my affection for my husband will not be inhibited. }:) This evil step mom stuff sucks but maybe I am not as powerless as I feel.
I don't think I have read
I don't think I have read any other posts of yours if you have posted any. From this post I'm not exactly sure why you feel this way towards your skids but I can understand as I have felt exactly the same at one stage of my relationship or another.
The things that you have said you need to do are exactly right. You should be told in advance if the skids are coming over. I know somewhere on this site there is a Bill of Rights for Step parents. In the Bill of Rights it basically says everything that you have just mentioned above and seems like it could do some good for yourself and if you want to show hubby.
Your right, the evil step mum stuff does sucks but NO you are not as powerless as you feel.