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Step-girlfriend seeking transition help...

littlemiss13's picture

Submitted by littlemiss13 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 6:40pm

So technically I'm not a step-parent...Sorry if anyone disapproves of my premature concern but I'm having some serious issues that I'd like to vent about and get some feedback about. I'm in a four month old relationship with my boyfriend and we are absolutely two peas in a pod and I love him to death and can see myself with him for the long haul. However, about two years ago he had a hook-up mishap and made the mistake of hooking up with someone who had already planned on getting pregnant with his baby. Needless to say, here we are today and after a year and a half of my bf trying to get custody he finally gets to visit his daughter three times a week (attended by the mother). Well I came along right when he won this new custody and I was so happy to hear it for him. I am so relieved for my boyfriend because I could see how much it hurt him that he did not have any involvement with her. I was also excited because I absolutely love kids. Three months of his visitation has gone by and I was at his house one day this week and his daughter and her mom were supposed to arrive t a certain time and ended up coming half an hour early. I hadn't left yet and it was really awkward because he said they were coming in the front door and we walked out towards the back slider where I could still access my car in the driveway. Well we said goodbye quickly and awkwardly and as I waited to hear them in the house so that I would not run into them my heart kind of broke. I have never met his daughter or her mother but I can't wait for the day that I meet his little girl. I've been steaming about this all day and it just makes me realize what happened. I talked to him about it and told him how I feel and didn't leave anything out and the conversation ended alright but we established that he's not ready for me to meet either of them. I understand that because he is just getting to know his own little girl. But I need some words of inspiration now that I have to be patient and wait until it's time. It seriously breaks my heart that I'm not a part of that side of his life right now. And I even talked to him about how he doesn't really talk about how it's progressing which makes me feel even more on the outside. I need encouragement. Help me someone?

Comments

littlemiss13's picture

Submitted by littlemiss13 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:25pm

Thanks I appreciate the response. I definitely am not planning my wedding with my bf I promise! I'm a nursing student and have a three year waiting-to-marry policy because I'm no where near prepared for that step. And I completely understand that, that it's too soon. I just have no idea about any of this. I'm so glad to hear it from someone with experience because I didn't know whether it was unusual or not. So I will gladly wait for the right time Sticking out tongue
And the court order is because she claims he is an unfit father. I don't understand it either. He's even had his entire family show up in the past to show that he has a lot of support. It's also very odd because my bf's daughter is only a year and a half old and the BM is already remarried. The only reason they went back to court is because she was going to sue him for his 5% so that she could move to Korea with his daughter to be with her new husband....

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:04pm

So he had you sneak out the back door while BM and the baby entered through the front door?

Something tells me BM was(might still be) more than just a hookup mishap.

littlemiss13's picture

Submitted by littlemiss13 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:15pm

He's very responsible Smile That's one of the reasons he's very attractive to me. How many young guys would fight for custody of a child from a hookup?

littlemiss13's picture

Submitted by littlemiss13 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:06pm

Thanks I appreciate the response. I definitely am not planning my wedding with my bf I promise! I'm a nursing student and have a three year waiting-to-marry policy because I'm no where near prepared for that step. And I completely understand that, that it's too soon. I just have no idea about any of this. I'm so glad to hear it from someone with experience because I didn't know whether it was unusual or not. So I will gladly wait for the right time Blum 3
And the court order is because she claims he is an unfit father. I don't understand it either. He's even had his entire family show up in the past to show that he has a lot of support. It's also very odd because my bf's daughter is only a year and a half old and the BM is already remarried. The only reason they went back to court is because she was going to sue him for his 5% so that she could move to Korea with his daughter to be with her new husband....

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:11pm

There's no such thing as a premature concern when dating someone with children!

I have to respect someone who is careful about introducing his child to a girlfriend. Not only is he getting to know her, but the two of you are still getting to know each other and although you feel like you feel about him, four months is not a long time. Be patient. If you push, you may push him away.

Put yourself in his shoes. If you had a child, you probably would not want to be too quick to introduce them to someone new, especially if you were still building that relationship yourself.

For now, concentrate on your relationship with him and getting to know him. Does he at least talk to you about her?

Now, if two years go by and you still haven't met her, you have a problem.

littlemiss13's picture

Submitted by littlemiss13 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:11pm

And she's not technically an ex she was originally a rebound hookup because he was still sad about his ex. He strongly dislikes her for the most part because she set him up. Her friends even told him after they hooked up that she was planning on conceiving....

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 7:12pm

I totally disagree. I think a lot of people put way too much pressure on the first meeting kind of thing. What if you hate the kid on sight or she hates you. Your involved, possibly in love & planning a future - way too much heartache.

littlemiss13's picture

Submitted by littlemiss13 on Fri, 01/31/2014 - 9:59pm

OMG you are so awesome and helpful! I needed a clear-thought opinion like this so badly. You totally understand where I'm coming from and tackled every one of my thoughts and wonders and put many of my worries to rest without assuming anything about my relationship or my boyfriend for that matter. Thank you so much!

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 3:29am

Look I understand that he may not be ready for his kid to become attached so early in a relationship but to sneak you out the back door?? He wouldn't sneak his buddy bob out the back door. The kid is too young to know the difference. He is hiding you from BM. I think he's been lying to you about how innocent his relationship with bm is. What he did was rude and it would be a long time before he ever heard from me again. Key me ask you...have you met his family?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 8:02am

It would grate my balls if DH had made me "sneak out" and I'm sorry but I think it's inappropriate for the BM to be at the visitation, alone in his house with him. They went at it once, they can do it again. I would not be with a guy who thinks that's appropriate. DH, at his own accord, was never, ever alone with BM after he found out she was prego. Someone was always there to supervise.

The baby won't know who you are if you just walked past them and said goodbye like a normal person.

Red flags for me all around. I'd dump this guy and find someone whose more worth it.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 8:20am

THIS

The OP could have walked out the front, said a simple hello and kept it moving.

The whole have visitation with BM, his his home. No good.

This whole things smells fishy.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 1:21pm

I would like to shoot seue with a shrinking ray so I can keep her in my pocket. Standing ovation and spot on.

BM tried to get it in the order that she HAD to be there for DH's visitation but no sane judge would rule that okay. Had he had enough money they would have went to court to duke that point out.

Only if the BM wanted to feel like she was still an item with the dad would she want that, or if the dad wanted it.

He's completely pulling the wool over your eyes--he has the higher moral logic covering his ass, and this higher moral logic will not make or keep you happy because its motivation is inherently wrong. You may respect him and be in awe of him in this moment about it, but trust me, it will get not only old, but unbearable.

Save yourself now. If DH had that stipulation that BM was to be there for his visitation, and he didn't do everything he can to fight it, I would have ran like the hounds of hell were chasing me.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 02/02/2014 - 6:49am

I would agree with the suggestions that you reserve judgement and be a little wary in this situation. Even men who may be pretty nice guys in other ways will resort to very suspect means of handling their ex's and children in order to avoid conflict and maintain contact with their children.

I know that my husband allowed his ex to continue in the hope that there may be a reconciliation following their separation because it made her more amenable to access. He didn't actually say 'lets give it time, maybe things will work out' he just didn't correct her or contradict her if she expressed similar hopes. He never admitted it at the time, he acted as though he had no clue why she was so persistent. It was a stupid short term head in sand strategy which backfired in a big way when she realised he wasn't coming back and was then even more hostile than she would otherwise have been.

Your BFs reticence about discussing the situation or his time with his child is certainly cause for concern. You would expect him to be chit chatting enthusiastically about his baby and his time with her. You only have your boyfriends word for it that the current visitation arrangement is court ordered, or that the mothers presence is mandatory. It seems possible that he has charmed his ex into letting him see the child, and either he is keeping you out of the picture to avoid antagonising the mother, or he is actually allowing the mother to have hopes of a reconciliation. He may feel he is doing this for the best and what you don't know won't hurt you, but a lack of openness and honesty, particularly in a separated parenting situation which is more prone than most to problems, is a real worry. The bioparents who sweep everything under the carpet for a quiet life are the worst to co-parent with.

When you love someone the temptation is to believe everything they say, but in the early stages of a relationship it is best to keep your eyes open and take your intuition seriously. I hope I'm wrong about this and your BF is the standup guy you think he is, but you may want to probe a little deeper into what exactly is happening with his visitation.