Full time teenager
We now have a full time teenager. Life is quite different and we are still adjusting.
So far, pretty good and I have to thank steptalk members for the advice you have given over the past three years.
My SS17 visited us the past three summers while DH was stationed in another state. The first summer was an absolute nightmare, complete hell, but it did gradually get better. I stress gradually. It was a slow process.
SS17 has gone from stealing my seat on the couch... Taking over the TV... Leaving his stuff everywhere... Refusing to help clean up after dinner... Glaring at me and whatnot.... Fighting to have junk food for dinner everyday.... questioning how I spend money... He hated my dog even. He was unpleasant and disrespectful.
Now .... He lost 50 pounds since last summer! His grades are improved... No more stealing my seat, taking over the TV... I insist he clean his room and help pick up after dinner.... No more glares and he thanks me when I do things for him (admittedly sometimes at DH's prompting...but of his own free will too sometimes).
You guys helped give me strength and wisdom to get where I am today with SS17.
I am still having to work at enforcing things around the house... He will slack if we let him. I also worry about manipulation. How do I know if he is being authentic? His mother has neglected him to the point that DH and I are all he has. Now he is at our house with many needs... Including braces, clothes, a car....
I think he needs to get a job asap and DH wants to give time for him to adjust first and to have a little fun with friends due to the amount of stress BM has put him through. I am worried about over indulging him.
How do we, as step mothers, balance good, healthy structure without crossing the line into step monster? I have been pretty darn firm since SS17 moved in two weeks ago. I am terrified of losing my standing! I think I am doing the right thing by setting clear and firm boundaries and expectations up front. DH hasn't said it outright but I think he is concerned I am starting to go from too lenient three years ago at the start.... to a bit too controlling now three years later....
- lily11's blog
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Comments
IMO, a 17 year old should be
IMO, a 17 year old should be working even if just a few hours a week during the school year.
If he lays around too much he will become lazy, enjoy not having any responsibilities, not want to go to work and expect someone else to support his every request/need. (Anyway this is what I think happened with SS18).
SS's (then 16) grades were not that good so BM wanted him to stay at home and concentrate on his grades (even in the summer). ?? So he still does not work. Why should he? BM and DH pay for everything he desires and all the gas to run with and of course now he EXPECTS it.
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How do we, as step mothers, balance good, healthy structure without crossing the line into step monster?
Well, I agree with you. I think if you start out a little firm than you can let up a little as time goes on. Once he learns the rules and responsibilities of the house. But if he thinks "Oh, goody, I don't have to do anything around here" it will not get better. Then you can plan on SS being with you forever.
I think as soon as kids are
I think as soon as kids are old enough to get a worker's permit they should be working a few hours a week. It teaches them responsibility and work ethic. That being said, BM doesn't want SD to work at all while she's in school because she would rather her "enjoy" her high school years. However, it's okay for her oldest SD to work both during school and during the summer and the youngest SD (who is one year older than my SD) to babysit 40 hours a week during the summer...because THEY need to learn responsibility. (I should add that BM and her hubby have BMs skids full time because their mother was murdered a year ago).
yes. That's what I did, and
yes. That's what I did, and that's what I'd like my kids to do as well. Whether it's a "real" job or whether it is mowing lawns and babysitting, they will be doing something to earn their own money.
I agree that this young man
I agree that this young man needs to start working. I will have to be persistent about this. Yet again... More persistence.
Why do we step moms have to be the catalyst for change? It is exhausting.