DH gets downgraded
So, Christmas was completely amazing. I had the best time all year with the skids and him. We had a completely awesome couple of days. And then back to reality. H threw away the cupholders from my brand new suv. I was needless to say, angry. So H gets mad at me for being mad and 'speaking to him in that tone of voice.'...he's lucky he didn't get 'that tone' in person...but i was driving when i saw my cupholders were gone. Anyways, long story short, he later admits ss12 threw them in the garage when the'd gotten home and he'd cleaned the cups out of the car. So they're still there, fine and dandy.
Meanwhile, H is just completely irritating me about everything under the sun. I didn't go to his family's christmas night sandwich party (huh?wtf? u ever hear of such a thing?)...i didn't go cuz i'd been in the hospital with my mom for the last 2 weeks out of state and i was beyond exhausted. when i told h i wasn't going, he was perfectly good about it and understood, but when we start to argue or even just discuss things, he throws it out there that he was p*ssed that i didn't go. So I got a bunch of other stuff thrown in my face that he was mad about that he had initially said was alright.
So, i fired back that i was mad that we were supposed to have gotten engaged around thanksgiving time. i'd gotten this promise ring from him back in march, and he'd been teasing me most of the year about surprising me with the engagement ring. well, didn't get it on my birthday...nope...that was too expected. so he said that he wanted to do it around the holidays(thanksgiving)when our families would be around...but thanksgiving came and went along with christmas and still no engagement ring. so yes, i have been and still am angry, hurt and disappointed. i feel like he's been lying to me and delaying it because he isn't ready to get engaged (to him 'engaged' means a wedding within a very short time...to me, engaged could mean for a long while until we are ready to actually go through with the ceremony...you know, plan it carefully.)
So I told H that I feel disappointed and whatnot, and he's like, "well I'll go right out and get you a lesser quality ring..."blah blah blah...he just wants to shut me up. So I tell him, it's not about a ring, it's about feeling secure with us and feeling secure that the time i've spent with him are leading to marriage sometime soon. I mean, he's almost 10 years older, so there's not alot of time for us to plan having a child of our own. I'm feeling the time-crunch pretty strongly because he is older and we need to get moving with things before he's too old.
Anyways, we've been fairly ok since this big discussion...but i'm not sure what the real deal is on getting engaged. he's got excuses about money(not enough) and needing to afford the right ring (i'm not materialistic at all)...but i personally feel that he isn't ready to commit to me because of his bitter divorce. And, you all are the only people i can share this with...I personally am ashamed of my living situation. I'm not a prude or religious, but it goes against every fibre of my being to be living with a man i am not engaged to. I've never, ever done that before because I know it makes things much much harder...mama always said a man won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free...and i feel that's the case now. Why should he marry me? He'd be risking losing half of everything if we divorced...and right now he has me living there doing all the things a wife would do w/o any of the legal securities I should have. Does that kind of make sense? He calls me the kids stepmom and whatnot, but then he'll turn around and call me his girlfriend...well which is it? What am I? He's very unclear about what my exact title is, and it makes everything confusing. So, I've decided to pull back as much as I can and make plans to move out when my lease on my old apartment is up...I don't want to move back there, so if I can leave our house and move into a new place of my own in a couple of months I'm going to do it.
So I've decided that from now on I'm not calling him h or dh anymore because technically he isn't, even if he thinks he is in his mind...he's just going to be the fh. And if he keeps it up, he's getting downgraded further to just bf...and probably after that it'll be ex-bf.
Thanks for listening.
- lil_teapot's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
hmmmm
I guess I'd have to agree with you that it sounds like he is not ready to commit.
yeah that's what makes me sad
I do love him even though he irritates me...and I'd miss him if I leave, but I don't really see another choice if our situation doesn't change.
More Power to you!!!
About 8 months before I started seeing DH, I had a similar situation with an XBF. We never lived together but dated for about 4 years, he also was older and I was the one constantly pushing the marriage issue. Finally, I decided to step aside and leave. It was very difficult for me because I truly was vested in the relationship, but now I see that he wanted the security and benefists that come with a long term GF without the formal commitment, and in the end, for me it was a dealbreaker. Good luck to you!! I know that when I stepped aside, there were certainly times of loneliness, but many more of relief
I hear ya
THanks for the comments. I know I'd be able to find someone else even though i do love fh with all my heart...but i also know that if he isn't ready or doesn't want to give me what i need, I'm prepared to leave so i can be happy.
oohh I so hear you!!!
My DH and I had been living together for 3 years, and it hit me... if he dies in a crash tomorrow, I will be out on the streets! The house we bought together, and I paid the mortgage on, was in his name only. His benefits were named to his kids, even my car was financed in his name.
And there was also this little issue of when I introduced myself to other parents, I was "Skid'd dad's girlfriend" I mean, come on, I am not a teenager, it just sounded silly.
So I hear you when you say that he is getting all of the fruits of a marraige, without the commitment and stability that you need.
lol, I can't tell you how many tmes I have heard that phrase about the milk and the cow... buts its true!
Still to this day I am not sure why he waited, but it did work out. Be patient, don't stress! If arguements like this are enough to make you wanna run...well, then maybe you aren't ready either? I would say that you are though, and just need to let him move forward at his pace. Of course, you have to set a limit of your own.. but make it reasonable, to get married again after a bad divorce is hard on some..
that's exactly what i said to fh
we had those discussions for a long time about 'what if...' and i always have said that my biggest fear is being homeless. i have my own place still that i can't get rid of and part of me wants to keep it as a security blanket...that way fh doesn't have complete control over me and my living situation...i have a place to fee to if i need it.
i know the cow analogy sounds lame right, but yeah it is way true!lol i regret letting farmer brown here get the milk w/o buying the cow.lol
i really want to wait and see how this all pans out. fh can be a super guy and he has his flaws too...i'm not sure which way he falls most though. i have until april for him to make this permanent but after that, when i'm not stuck with my apartment, all bets are off. i'll either be happily engaged or dating new. it's good to know though that sometimes the whole cow-buying-milk thing works out for the best like in your case...congratulations!
hugs.
I think you have it right.
There is nothing wrong with the expectation of marriage in your situation. You have made your expectations clear and he has agreed, discussed and indicated that he will act on those expectations.
I have a very good friend who made it abundantly clear to his former GF (now wife) that he had absolutely no intention of marrying ......... ever. But she could move in if she chose to and that he would welcome her moving in. 8 years later they married and have recently adopted an infant daughter (his wife's niece actually .... but that is another interesting and unique blended family story). He also claimed that he had no intention of ever having children. Obviously he changed his mind on both marriage and children.
I think that in their situation what they did is OK too. If they had never married he was honest, open and she knew the deal.
In your case you have been honest, open and your FH knew the deal.
Please let us know how things progress.
Good luck and best regards,
thanks so much
i really hope this turns out like that. we're still undecided about kids too, although with him being snipped that kinda of adds another little kink in the works here, but like they say, anything is possible right.
your post really gave me hope that maybe this will turn out good too. thank you
My wife is still waffling on kids too!
She is 12 years younger than I am and has plenty of time to make up her mind on more children. I am good either way. I love kids and would love to have another with my wife. Or, I can chase her around the beach somewhere down the line.
One way I retire and chase her around the world to interesting and exotic places. The other we raise another kid or two. If she decides to go the kid route we will for all practical purposes have two only children. Our son (My SS) is 16 and will be off to college when #2 would join the adventure.
Good luck with your situation either way it turns out.
Best regards,
I know exactly how you feel
BF & I have been together over 3 years. I told him on our 3rd anniversary (of our first date) that we won't be celebrating a 4th anniversary of just dating. Especially since we have been dating long distance. I too have made my expectations clear. I have been disappointed, over and over again this year. In 2007, he promised me that 2008 would be "OUR" year. Well, it's come and gone and we won't be together on New Year's so I can pretty much guarantee I won't be engaged by 2009. I have invested so much emotion, time (and airfare!) into this relationship that I don't want to give up on it, but I am getting older and want to have children of my own. If he can't propose by spring, he will probably be exBF as well. I totally get what you meant by being disappointed at every bday/holiday/event. I was positive he was going to propose over the holidays, but I got a camera instead. The disappointment on my face was obvious. He is insisting on getting a good ring, I just want him to ask me to marry him...ring or no ring. I too have had a promise ring...since 2006!!! Basically, its time to sh!t or get off the pot! I can't do the LDR for much longer, let alone spend anymore time with someone who doesn't value me enough to make me his wife. He's a wonderful person and I love him very much. But if it's too much for him to ask me to marry him, then I need to find someone that can handle it.
I wish you luck with your situation!! It's tough!
it doesn't help too
when fh deliberately misleads me to think that i'm getting the ring. like around the time of my birthday, he was talking about ringsizes and different things and had 'that twinkle' if you know what i mean. like he completely made me belive that he was ready to get engaged. and of course nothing came at my birthday except for an expensive vaction and a new coach bag...not that those are bad things, but we had a big drama over my being so disappointed with such expensive things when all i really wanted was some cheap-assed engagement ring. i know it sounds petty, but i'm not materialistic so those expensive things didn't impress me...i appreciated the gesture from his heart that he wanted me to have such nice things but really do i need a coach bag? not really... do i need an expensive vacation...not really. he could have just gotten me a mani/pedi or some massage time, you know? i felt really embarassed when he saw how disappointed i was at not getting the ring in addition to those expensive things...and it wasn't that i wasn't grateful for them, i just was hurt and upset because i felt he had misled me into believing i was getting TheRing...so even if he had given me a brand new mercedes I still would have been upset because i had believed i was getting the ring. And don't most girls want the formal committment of an engagment ring over an expensive present? I know I do...
Anyways, you seem to have really hit the nail on the head with how I feel. I hope things change for the better with you too.
Hugs
Funny thing
My phone just rang and it was my cousin. She has been with her man for 5 years. He asked her to marry him after the 1st year, but has been scared to actually make the real commitment. Well, after all this time, they have set a wedding date. I guess there is hope after all. I know she has felt the same despair and hopeless feelings we have, and it worked out for them. Let's cross our fingers these guys wake up!
fingers crossed
lets make 2009 Year of the Bling.lol
Bummer
I know my DH was scared stiff to get married again, after the horrible way his first marriage went, so maybe your DH does need more time? But I think it is too easy for your BF if you are living with him, unless you are ok with it this way, and it sounds like you want more. You deserve to have the legal rights and protection of being his legally married spouse!
I think you moving out would resolve things one way or another. Only you will know what is too much. In your heart you probably have a gut feeling what he will do. Listen to your gut!!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
that makes alot of sense
since my fh has the same horrible ending to his first marriage. he's said that he wouldn't have married her again if he could do it over...not that he doesn't love his kids...he just knows that based on his life after the divorce, that she was never the right person for him. I'm not sure if he was hinting that maybe i am right, or that she was just wrong...who the hell knows what they think.
I tried talking to him a few months ago about moving back to my place and we could develop our relationship more slowly since he was hinting(seriously!) about getting engaged but never closed the deal. But when the topic of my moving out came up, he was all upset and really really hurt. He said he felt like our relationship was going backwards, and it's very important to him that we keep going forward. That sounded all nice and all, but i can't help but wonder if he said that cuz he still needs a babysitter and all the other perks i provide w/o having any security of my own.
i don't know... I just hope things change soon before my lease is up because at that point i'll be moving on.
hugs
By the ring he can afford now and go bigger later if he wants.
That is what I did. The ring I gave to my wife when I formally proposed was nice and though it was not inexpensive it was modest because at the time I was just out of school and we were a one income family. The meaning is not in the size or the ring but the quality of the commitment I think.
I gave her a much nicer engagement and wedding ring for Christmas a few years ago. At the time we had been married ~12 years. She severely damaged her original engagement ring while shopping for my Christmas gift that year. The lid to a travel refrigerator had fallen shut on her hand in the store, smashed the prongs to the diamond and shot the stone down the isle. Luckily she and our son found the stone.
She was devastated that her ring was damaged. I took the opportunity to upgrade her engagement and wedding rings and gave them to her on Christmas morning. Because after 12 years the second ring(s) I bought her were more indicative of our more recent professional accomplishments they were significantly larger than her originals.
She still has her originals and would never get rid of them, at least until our son may need them. I am sure she will preserve them for him to present to his fiance when he is at that stage of his life.
Best regards,
most people don't
out and out buy engagement rings, most are at least partially financed or charged on a credit card, so I think not affording it is a cop out personally. Where there is a will there is a way....
And I guess I have to disagree with the cow analogy. I lived with my ex for 5 yrs before he proposed, and we went on to get married. I moved in with my BF who became my FH officially on our anniversary. I've been proposed to 2 other times before too by men I've lived with, even for a relatively short period of time, so I've certainly never felt like a cow in any sense of the word. I just don't get into relationships with people who aren't on the same page as me in terms of the future and commitment, or if I do, it's short lived, not to the point of moving in.
Then again, I've never been with someone who's been married before (FH never married BM, thank god) so perhaps that makes them less reluctant to walk down the aisle....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein