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What to say to dd now

Lifer33's picture

Submitted by Lifer33 on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 12:28pm

I'm pretty disengaged with all that goes on with ss13 these days . so I don't often get bent out of shape. However I did feel a flush of anger and frustration for dh, but mainly dd 7 last night.

Ss bailed last minute on coming to stay,  again. This is becoming regular, weekly. But the notice is getting shorter,  and the bs excuses are leaning towards the permanent now.

Literally 15mins before he was due to be here ss texts dh 'is it OK if i don't come'

dh says not really we are waiting for you and we've made you dinner.

Ss replies that he's got a maths tutor coming over, again. Dh stands firm and says why has it been arranged on a night here again, can the tutor come here? Etc.

No answer.

All the while dd is jumping up and down like wait what ? Why is he not coming:( she was really disappointed, as in the main they get on and she looks forward to seeing him. 

It looks like he's getting less and less bothered about seeing his dad and sister, but dd doesn't understand.

Not sure how to word it , I want to explain so she's not constantly disappointed without upsetting her more.

Incidentally dh is doing sweet fa about it again coz we can't upset precious ss and drive him away. Eyeroll

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 12:58pm

At 13, SS will be absent from family functions more and more as he ages.  This would be the case if he were your BS.  So, I'd handle it with her nonchalantly, "He has his math tutor tonight", "He has ball practice tonight"', etc.

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 1:37pm

Eventually, as she is older, you may have to tell her the truth... But she may figure that out on her own as she ages and matures. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 12:59pm

I eventually had to tell my daughter that her step brother was just a jerk. Some people just don't care about how their actions make others feel. He had hurt her feelings so much by not coming and when visits got close he would stop texting and snapping with her. It sucked. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 1:37pm

JRI has the same  suggestion for talking to DD that I do.

And while it's true that teens pull away, the math tutor last minute excuse is strange. Math tutors are arranged in advance. No way that SS did not know about this earlier (if its actually true). Anð while tutors could come to your home,  DH asking a tutor to change locations at the last minute is unreasonable for the tutor. 

Maybe its time to revisit the schedule. Is the mid week visit still appropriate? Would Dad picking up result in more visits?

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 4:14pm

Remove the emotional attachment to his decision to come or not. Be less and less bothered whether he shows up or not. 
 

i know it's easier said than done especially for little kids who don't have the same ability to regulate emotions as adults do. 
 

But like others mentions just tell the younger kids the older stepson has other commitments or whatever 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 08/09/2023 - 7:49pm

The excuses will get lamer and lamer as time goes on.  Agree with others.  "SS had to celebrate national pickle day."  "SS had to go to the fourth BM family reunion this month. "

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 08/10/2023 - 8:24am

All will be lost.  SS is 13. Not his choice to come or not. !    He must come for visitation, if he likes it or not.   
If you don't make a stand now, he will never come over any more, you will just be sending a check each month.  SS must understand you are in charge. Not him 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Thu, 08/10/2023 - 9:46am

That's YSD17 now. The lamest excuses lately. Even DH has stopped believing her. He doesn't call her on them, but for sure doesn't trust her

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 08/10/2023 - 11:31am

Ever time.

Minor children do not get to refuse visitation. The CP is responsible for facilitating visitation per the CO.  DH needs to roll up a copy of the CO and smack BM with it repeatedy when she denies visitation.

SS needs to see mommy dragging her happy PASing ass to court to answer the CO violations.

DD needs to be read into the facts in an age appropriate manner and increasingly as she gets older.  DD is hurt by BM. That requires that DD have an understanding of why and she should know that her brother is manipulated.

SS may be a lost cause.  But there is no reason why DD should be in the dark as to why her brother is absent.

IMHO of course.

IMHO of course.