I am NOT his mom
I might be the worst person in the whole wide world, but another post got me thinking...I really want to be a completely uninvolved SM. I would like to be cordial to my SS8 EOW when he's here, but basically just go about my business and take care of my baby. I don't want to hang out or chat or play games or anything. He can do whatever childlike things he wants to do and interract with my DH however he likes, I just don't want any involvement at all.
Now unfortunately, I realize this is completely impossible. I'm involved, too late. My SS8 is not an evil little spoiled child like many of you seem to have, he is just a weird kid who wishes he was a 45 year old woman so bad he can't stand it. He would be completely happy to stand at my side at all times, help me cook, help me clean. I know what some of you will say, "Ohhh take advantage of that and get him to clean" blah blah blah. But he doesn't really want to CLEAN, he just wants to be involved in whatever the woman of the house is involved in. If I were taking shots of tequila and giving lap dances to my DH, that's what he'd want to be doing too. (Not really, but I threw that in for good humor. Still, you get my point). SO I can't send him to go clean something b/c that's not what he is seeking in this affair. He wants to be right under me.
All of this comes up b/c I am about to take my son (almost 11 months old) to the park so I can burn some post pregnancy weight. Hey, better late than never, right? And SS8 has invited himself along. Which I understand b/c kids + park = fun for kid. I didn't want to go watch him play on the playground or try to have a conversation with an 8 year old while I try to push a stroller for at least 2 miles. See, I'm the DEVIL!!! I should be some Mother Theresa graciously sweeping in to help mother this child who wants my attention so badly and who has a mom who wants to party every other second. And I just want nothing to do with him. I am NOT openly mean to him. The meanest thing I do to him is type these messages on steptalk.org. I just try to lay low where he is involved. And he won't let me. I'm just shi% out of luck, aren't I?
I also realize, especially as my son gets older, I'm supposed to really making sure SS feels included and all that jazz. I realize this whole uninvolved thing is a recipe for disaster, but I very strongly just don't want to be this kid's mom or any type of mother-like figure for him. I happen to be in love with the kid's dad, I tolerate the kid as lovingly as I can. I do things to nurture DH's relationship with SS. Like getting things done so DH and SS will have more time together. I don't mind them spending every last moment together EOW. Go ahead, Do whatever, I'll mind my own business and hang out with my little one. In other words, I am not demanding my husband choose me over his son or anything. I'm actually pretty damn patient and understanding and in some ways selfless about the whole situation. I JUST DON"T WANT TO BE HIS MOM and he freaking WANTS me to be. I can't help it if I just don't feel that way, can i?
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I completly understand where
I completly understand where you are coming from. I've actually used the same wording of, "I'm not Mother Teresa..." to my friends as well, when I explain the same situation you have written about and they say to me, "Awww, all the boy wants is your approval." and the reality is, I don't want to spend my time nurturing someone that has loyalties that lie with the mother in the end. In the end, even if you take that boy under your wing, he'll end up putting his mother up on a pedestal, even if she is a crap mother to him. It's human nature! My SS9 isn't a bad kid either, but he's on the slow side and it aggrevates me that he doesn't understand that I'm about to have a baby and he's not going to have his dad's and my full attention anymore. I have often felt that same dreadful feeling of wanting to lie low EOW when he comes to our house. I have no advice to give to you because I feel exactly the same way. Just keep doing the best you can with your little one and continue to be cordial to your SS. Maybe talk to your husband and let him know that he needs to take your SS so that you can do your girlie things...(i.e. exercise at the park with the baby in stroller.)
How involved is his BM
How involved is this kid's BM? My husband's oldest is either like that -- i.e. attached to me like glue -- however he's too lazy to actually DO anything, or he's just the opposite and is an evil creature.
When he's all clingy it means his mother is on one of her nutso kicks.
When he's evil it's because mommy dearest is trying to put him up to splitting his father and I up.
If I had it all to do over, I would have never married a man who already had kids. It's just too much.
Here's one thing that's worked for me...If I know I can't take his kids I go spend the weekend with my family -- he doesn't really like that, but who cares! A person has to keep their sanity.
Why did you guys get
Why did you guys get involved with a man with kids, I can not believe it does not bother you DHs that you do not care for their kids, and they will feel it in the future your SS will know the difference between him and you bio son. Maybe the kid gets not attention at home, maybe he wants someone to love him, I am a SM and I am not thrilled all the time, but I love my DH sooooo much and his son, do I wish I met my DH before the kid, YES but that is because his BM is a crazy Bit*h. But we have placement and my SS is with us all the time and his BM EOW, what would you do if your SS had to come live with you and your DH??
People are willing to endure
People are willing to endure a lot of things when they feel a connection to someone, especialy women. She may not be fond of her SK, but she loves her DH, and at least she's not mean to the kid (I'm assuming from her post). Not everyone feels motherly to kids that aren't theirs. In my opinion, she's at least controlling her behavior, she can't control her feelings. Let her vent.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I agree completely The only
I agree completely The only people who have a responsibity to parent their children are their parents. She should be able to disengage if that is what she needs.
First of All
Rosedeer1,
Before you go judging someone walk in there shoes first!
I take the my SS(5) and SD(4) with me everywhere -- including my parents. When I got married, SS(10) was not acting like an evil brat. I leave when he is yelling and screaming and trying to hurt his brother ans sister and yes I take them with me. BF does very little to back me up and I'm made out to be the evil SM when I put rules into place and expect them to be followed.
SS(10) goes home every weekend and lies about me -- has even gone as far as to accuse me of hitting him. He does everything within his power to make life miserable when he's around. He has severe problems due to his psycho mother. I have offered to try and get custody, but BF too freaking lazy to try and get his kids away from a drug addict alcoholic mother. I've called CPS and the police on the BM so many times that they practically know me by name now. Then to top matters off, BF/DH has been getting drunk and abusing his pain killers. Less than one month ago he even went as far as to hit me while he was drunk. I stay to try and protect these kids, so before you go and start passing judgment maybe you should hear the whole story on why someone doesn't want to be around a step kid.
I think you are being reasonable.
Because SS has a strong attachment to women, does DH have any female relatives in the area he could invite over every now and then to hang out with him and SS while you do things with your little guy?
Good Idea!
That's a great idea! Sometimes while we are in the thick of things, it's hard to see some of the most sensible solutions!
I'm sure others will think I'm mean, but when I'm in modes where I need some me time, I also tell my DH (in private) that it is his turn to entertain SS(10).
Thanks!
I do that too, I'll go get a coffee or read a book on my own. I don't think you're mean. It's giving your SS10 and DH some alone time to bond.
Your not mean at all.
I think it would be worse if you were talking it out on your SS, but that doesn't seem like the case and all you are doing is disengaging.
As much as I think it would be cute for your SS to want to watch and help you all the time, I can also acknowledge that it would also become extremly annoying even if it was your own bio child.
I think Aron2009 idea sound like a good one, and hopefully will work for you.
Does your DH try to talk SS off your hands when he is clinging to you?
I understand where you are coming from
My SD used to be the same way before my son was born, though. She would hang on me every second and I would take her everywhere. Her BM started to get upset about us spending so much time together. So my H and I (before we were married) talked to SD about not talking so much about me to her. That is seems to hurt BMs feelings. This turned SD against me, she thought I was pulling from her when I wasn't, then a few months later BS came. SD has been treating me badly ever since. Be happy that SS is still loving and trying to make you happy as well. If you try to disengage do it slowly, and be sure to not let on to SS what you are doing. It could ruin you and your SSs relationship forever. Remember he is still very impressionable, and sounds like a good kid.
I TOTALLY feel your pain
Imagine having that exact feeling you are describing, but having the child live with you full time!! My ss6 has lived with us for almost 2 years and I feel the same way you do. I am more than happy when my husband wants to spend time with him and take him places or do things with him, but anytime it's the 3 of us I just wish it was my husband and I. My ss6 is a nice kid also, I just don't feel any bond with him and have no interest in the affection he shows me. I feel downright evil sometimes feeling this way, but I can't help it.
Biomom is such a loser there is pretty much no chance she'll ever have anymore visitation than she has currently (which totals about 10 weeks per year - most in the summer, she lives 8 hours away so we don't get any weekends off...). Now I'm pregnant and feeling even less toward my ss. I was/am hoping that once I have my baby that it might make me feel more "family-ish" with him and maybe I will be able to tolerate him more, but I'm worried I might feel the exact opposite. I am not outright MEAN to him, but now that he's a little older I'm starting to wonder if he can tell that I am so uninterested in him. The worst part is that my husband has to travel for work once a month or so, and I'm left here with him. I try to smile and be nice but I really can't stand it. I feel like a babysitter that never goes home..........I love my husband so much, so I would never leave, but I do worry about what this relationship with my ss6 will become in the future......I hope I can lighten up somehow.