How/when did you and DH tell BM that you were having a baby?
I was just curious how others handled telling the BM and step(s) that you and DH are having a baby?
I'm debating, honestly, on whether to tell her at all. I'm sure she'll find out eventually through Facebook and what have you, but do I need to go out of my way to let them know (she lives 1200 miles away)? BM's phone is shut off at the moment and it is doubtful that we will get her 'new' number once she has suckered someone into paying her bill. The last conversation that we had with her was her saying that if DH wants to see or talk to SD, then he had better bring a court order. This was because I wasn't paying his CS anymore and she was PISSED!
It is sad to me that my child will not know it's sister, but at the same time, I am kind of relieved that it will in all likelihood not have to live through the drama that BM brings. BM won't be coming back to our state anytime soon, due to her felony warrants, and no one in the family will go out to see her/SD, unless I arrange it. I have been the middle man since I entered this family because MIL doesn't want to talk to BM and neither does DH...or anyone else for that matter...so sadly, SD suffers in the process.
The whole pregnancy thing is still pretty new to us, and I am worrying about this waaaay too much, I'm sure. But, I would like your input on what you would do........we're not telling anyone but family and really close friends for a few months yet, so I've got time to decide how to handle this......
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I don't expect anyone to
I don't expect anyone to support my child. I am capable of taking care of it on my own. I've never let myself depend on others, including DH. That just leads to disappointment.
As for DH not supporting his SD, not at the moment in the way of child support. We live in an area where jobs are few and far between. He does odd and end work for his family and uses the majority of that money to buy SD whatever it is BM is complaining about her needing at the moment. He paid the "extras" while I was paying the support.
When DH and I get pregnant, I
When DH and I get pregnant,
I will NOT be telling BM anything! She is not a friend not is she family and is not privy to any information about my personal life.
Would she go out of her way to include you?
LOL!!! Did I say "when" I
LOL!!!
Did I say "when" I mean "if the stars and planets are aligned perfectly and all is right with the world"
No. She wouldn't. This is
No. She wouldn't. This is true. But how important is it that kids know their half-siblings? SD is too young to have her own phone or way to communicate. Don't you think they have the right to know they have a sister/brother out there? This is what I'm struggling with. I'm sorry if my post was unclear, but I don't see a way of telling SD without telling BM.
How important is it for her
How important is it for her to know right this minute?
You said that you don't see her often anyway, we are just concerned that it sounds a little like you're looking for a reason to include BM in on some very private family events.
How will SD knowing about her little brother or sister change the current bad situation?
I did say that we're not
I did say that we're not telling anyone but family and really close friends for a few months yet, so we have time to decide how to handle it. And I never said SD knowing about this baby will change anything, but to me it feels like she should have a right to know at somepoint. I was looking for advice on the best way to handle it if we did tell them. AND, I did say that "I'm debating, honestly, on whether to tell her at all." I don't know how you got that I'm trying to find a reason to include BM on personal family business from that.
Whoooaaaaaa.... Let's back up
Whoooaaaaaa....
Let's back up a minute. You are in no way under attack here. I am attempting to give you some heartfelt advice and sometimes tone can be mistaken through the keyboard.
My point is this: I fyou start making concessions now, it will never stop. Yes, SD deserves to know that she has a sibling but I don't think its so urgent that she has to be told now. In ten months the situation with BM may be better and you guys may have a lot more visitation.
Just trying to give you the advice you asked for...
It's true. I did/do feel
It's true. I did/do feel under attack, but the things that you posted assuming things, I already wrote in my original post contradicting them. I was pointing it out. I don't always read blogs thoroughly and thought this may have been the case with you.
I agree that SD doesn't need to know right now, but at somepoint she should probably know...that 'somepoint' is what concerns me. Most of the responses have been "don't tell ever". At least that is how I have interpreted it anyways.
I say give it a few months
I say give it a few months and see if things improve as far as visitation. You never know what might happen....and then you can tell her yourself without going through BM!!!!
Good luck.
Ha! I could understand that
Ha! I could understand that for sure. I tend to obsess and worry over things. For instance, I do worry that BM or SD will try to use my kid as a pawn to get more for themselves once they/BM finds out. Part of the reason I wanted advice...I don't know. These are difficult waters to navigate.
It would be nice if we could include SD, without BM knowing, but since she's so little and so far away, I don't see that happening.
I really don't think my
I really don't think my priorities are out of whack. Although, I did admit I am probably worrying about this way to much. It's not really about BM knowing, but SD. BM would have to be told if SD were to ever know that she has a sister/brother, don't you think? SD is only 5. Like I said, it makes me sad to think my kid may not know it's sister. This would be the only reason to tell BM. You can't choose who you're related too unfortunately.
BM and I are friends on Facebook and truthfully, it is a good way to know what is going on in SD's life, albeit indirectly. She posts a lot of personal stuff about what's going in her life.
DH and I are in no position to hire an attorney to get custody, although that would be great if we could. It is sad. BM fled the state almost four years ago and it took us nearly 2.5 years to even track them down (which only happened because she applied for TANF and they made her start coming after him for CS to recoup their losses).
I try to imagine myself in
I try to imagine myself in that situation...my parents divorced when I was in 2nd grade. My mom was a heavy heavy PAS'er(err?) and I grew up hating my dad. We didn't reconnect until after I got married a few years ago. I think it would have made me sad to know I had a sibling that I didn't know. This maybe because the brother I do have, I don't get along with at all......
We've never directly said a
We've never directly said a word to BM, SD or even to my MIL (that's a whole other site to post on) because they are not a part of our lives. We did tell SS as he was still coming around somewhat regularly at that point. This time we told SS at Christmas because he was here when my folks were in town and we'd just told them and they were so super excited. I have posted about it on Facebook a few times so I'm sure they know but other than that - none of their business in my opinion.
We didn't tell her. We
We didn't tell her. We involved the skids all along though - fixing up a room, buying baby things, etc. They tried to tell her but apparently she didn't believe them. When she finally did believe them I was 7 months + along. She reacted violently. The next time we dropped skids home she started screaming at SO then she crossed the road to where I was sitting in the car, opened the door and lunged at me. I slammed the door and she continued to scream. We drove away and left her screaming incoherently.
After that she'd send the skids over with demands to know when it was due. She demanded that we promise to tell her when I went to the hospital. Of course we didn't agree to this.
When DD3 was born I was home from the hospital the next day. The day after was a Thursday and back then SO had 4 hours access on Thursdays so he picked up skids and brought them over to see the baby. When BM found out she raised hell again.
Of course, according to her she was only upset because she wanted to know all these things so she could 'prepare' the skids for the arrival of their baby sister - as if it were her place to prepare them. I'm sure by 'prepare' she meant make them hate the idea of having a baby sister. I'm glad we didn't give her the chance.
I agree that BM has no right
I agree that BM has no right to know any of that and truthfully, I don't think BM would even want to know in our situation.
I thought BM was going to get
I thought BM was going to get all crazy. Lucky for us she knew we were trying thanks to DH's stupid family. We told SS when we felt the time was right. We planned on waiting until we knew what the baby was but it got too hard taking SS to my family's house and keeping it a secret. We told him when I was probably 12 weeks pregnant. We then told BM before he went home just to avoid conflict she was oddly calm and kept an interest in how we were doing. She continuously asked DH why he was having another, she thought he didn't want more. Of course he didn't with her, otherwise he wouldn't have planned this one with me. I'm sure a lot of your worry stems from the hormones. I was a mess in the beginning of my pregnancy. I needed all the answers and just generally freak out about SS and BM knowing and what we would do, whether SS would be upset and all angry. I was scared to find out what we were having, hoping for a boy, but praying for a girl so that SS doesn't feel left out or like he was replaced. I promise this feeling does subside and once it is all out in the open you will feel slightly better. SD5 should know she is going to have a sibling and you will know when a good time is to tell her. By the time the baby gets here you will be so wrapped up in love that the situation with SD5 won't be as big of a deal, and you will find a way for the kids to know each other. Just don't try to find all the answers right now, it will drive you crazy and there are other things to think of right now.