Loghead is always pissy on Sundays. I think it's because there is always so much to do, and then on Sunday, he realizes it isn't done, and then it's time to start a new work week.

Well, this morning, he let loose on me. But I didn't take it. I gave it back. I told him he was being a crap head for letting his boys treat me like shit. He said it was hard for them to forget all the horrible things from a few years ago, and sometimes it bounces back. (The horrible things- yea, he's referring to the time when we moved so he could have his dream job, and then he hated it and took it out on us. He was hardly ever home, so I was basically a single parent for a span of about a year and a half. The skids were in 4th, 5th and 8th grade at the time. I asked them to do chores and their homework. Oh! I'm so mean!)

I reminded him that PITA literally threw a dining room chair at me and told me he wanted me dead. I reminded him of the thing Lazy Boye did that is so horrible, I don't even write about it. I reminded him of the bruises I had from their abuse. I reminded him that he kept telling me over and over that they couldn't help it- it was HER genetics peaking through and they were mentally unstable.

I reminded him I stayed. (God, I was stupid then.) I got help. I went to therapy. I changed.

I told him I let it go, and he should too. He got pissed and left.

That's what he does when he knows I'm right. He leaves.

Well, I wasn't done. So I went outside to where he had started to warm up the truck while he was in the garage. I sat in the truck and waited for him to come out. He was pissed when he saw me, I told him he couldn't walk away from this. That this is the one thing we have to work through or it will always be there.

I told him no matter what anyone thinks, I always did what I thought was best for the skids and for the family. I told him if my biggest sin was teaching them responsibility then I would willingly go to hell for it.

He said he had to think, and didn't want to talk, so I said ok, but I wasn't done, and we WOULD deal with this.

When I came in, I wrote him an email. That was the plan my therapist and I came up with about a year ago. I could say everything I was thinking and feeling, and he could deal with it and absorb it in his own time. 9 times out 10, when I write to him, he responds, maybe not in words, but at least in actions.

In this particular email, I sent him a list of all the things in 13 years that I am thankful for. I included some pictures to remind him of things he'd forgotten. I think the biggest thing he needs to remember is that he's so lucky he has me. Not everyone can be a stepmom, and not every one can be good at it. But I accepted that role, and I have loved his kids. After being on ST, I know that is not always the case. Yes, there are times they annoy me, but even my own child annoys me at times. That is the nature of children. But I have never been cruel or unfair- at least not knowlingly. Everything I have done is always the same as I ahve done for my own child. I reminded him of all the parties, and BBQs and Christmases and trips and etc... Things the skids would not have experienced in that way had it not been for me.

So if he wants to let an 18 month span of time cloud the rest of that, that is his own damn choice. And if he wants to let his kids live under that cloud, fine, but don't expect me to continue the game of "happy mom." I will treat them the same way they treat me. I told him in the email that as the man of the house, it was his duty to teach the boys to properly care for and to respect women. I reminded him that in these modern times, that meant being able to appropriately express their feelings, to help around the house without being asked, etc.

Loghead for the most part, follows through and is a good husband. When the skids are shits, I usually have to point it out to him, for him to fix it. I think that is the nature of all men. They don't see all the little things that go on in a house... It's easier to let the woman do it all, and only step in when needed. I told him I need him now to fix this.

Our communication has improved in the last year, simply because I do give him space to respond on his terms. I'm more open and honest with how I feel. I was brutally honest this morning. I hope he can appreciate that, and can act on it. If not, I know I am strong enough to cross that bridge when I get to it.