Loghead is away on business again. But I just got home last night! Gibby and I have been away at a family reunion for the last 8 days. Loghead hates to go to the reunion, though he usually comes for one day. This year, he didn't make it at all, but he had a valid excuse. The one day he could have made it to see my family was the one day he had off from his part time work, and he used it to go see Princess.

Princess is recovering well from her accident. She's been staying at her bio-mom's because loca Grande doesn't work and her house is more "wheel chair friendly" until Princess can get around better. She was going this afternoon to see about getting a hard cast put on. (Two weeks ago she was in a massive car collision that resulted in a compound fracture near her right ankle. 2 pins and a plate.) She was waiting to see the doc today when I talked to her. She said she wanted to come here soon, but that Loca was taking real good care of her, but Princess is afraid if she was here, Loghead and I wouldn't be around enough to help take care of her.

Anyway, so he didn't come to the reunion. Princess of course couldn't make it, but that was a blessing in disguise, because the last 2 years that she has gone to the reunion with me, she has been a total nightmare. And my SSs never go, since I only have girl cousins and they'd be bored...

And I was lonely the whole time. I kept thinking it would be nice if he could at least pretend for one day to like my family and be there with me. And every time I tried to call him, he either didn't answer or was too busy to talk.

But of course, Thursday morning, when he knows I'm coming home that night, he calls all excited, wanting to have sex when I get home. Gggrrr... no thank you. I'm still mad at him about how he treated me the weekend of Princess's accident. He was really rude, and got upset with me everytime I asked a question about her care. Then when I tried to help with things like replacing her bank cards and glasses (the truck she was driving burnt up!) he got irritated. I finally just quit trying to help. But his anger seemed to fester. And then it was time for me to leave for the reunion....

And I stayed there a few days extra with my parents so they could watch Gibby while I went to my part time job, since he had to work also.

Gibby and I got home around 8pm last night. He was sitting on the couch, playing the guitar. No real emotion that we were home. I tried to kiss him and give him a hug, but the damn guitar was in the way. So it was nearly an hour later, that he finally even paid me any attention. And honestly, you guys know me, I was silently seething, because the house was a disaster. Dirty dishes everywhere. Spills dried on the kitchen floor. litter box not cleaned. Bag of trash waiting to go out. Piles of dirty laundry... But still I went to shower and be ready, cause I knew what he was expecting.

And he had the nerve to then play Guitar Hero with SS16 for almost another hour. he comes in and I'm reading my new book. Granted, I was naked and waiting for him, but he was then irritated I was reading...

Long story short: Sex did not go well for me, but he thought what he got was so freakin amazing...

he was going on about it this morning, and I tried to lie. But he saw right through it, and that pissed him off. And he just spent his morning angry before he left town. It was almost a relief when he left. But then he sends me a damn text message ten minutes later about how I should have "serviced" him before he left!

WTF! When all he was doing was bitching at me and I'm still hurt that he was so nasty to me when Princess nearly died in that accident?!

i called him back and told him to wait for me in town because I would drive in so we could talk face to face about what was bugging him. he said he didn't want to talk- he just needed sex. Nice. We proceeded to exchange words over the phone. But I basically told him it was the same damn roller coaster- he was being emotionally distant and a slob, I feel like a maid and unattached from him, and that does not make me feel sexy or sexual... I told him if he'd wanted it so bad last night, and missed me so much, why couldn't he take 5 minutes for proper foreplay or light a frickin candle or something. I reminded him I was not ever or would not ever be a wham-bam kinda woman. My body just doesn't work that way... And he's like, If you love me you would. And I'm like if you love me, you wouldn't ask me too! And in my mind, I'm thinking he has no idea how little I really need or want sex, and how often I do pretend. Because it always just seems about him and what he wants, but lately that doesn't seem good enough. And when I DO want it, that one short period of time I get each month when my hormones are crazy, it's like he's with holding to get revenge. So basically it sucks.

Anyway, he asks me again that question I always hate: "Why aren't you ever happy? Why don't I ever see you happy?"

And after we get off the phone i started thinking about it. And I have my answer. And my answer stinks.

Because when I'm happy, you aren't there.

I'm happy when:
1. I take my morning walk with Gibby, but you won't go with us.
2. I'm happy at the lake house, but you don't go with us.
3. I'm happy when I go boating, but you don't go with me.
4. I'm happy when the house is clean. And you're at work when I do that so you don't see it either.

So then I began to ask myself if I'm happy when he's around, and the answer is yes. But I realized we don't share much. He never asked me about my reunion, but I asked him tons about his cabin and his time with Princess.

I do love him. But I don't think we need each other any more. He needed me when the skids were little, and they needed me to... But they are about to be 16, 17 and 19. They're almost adults. Gibby will be 10 next week!

I'm tired of emotional bullshit. Passive aggressive stuff. Like he left his dirty dishes in the sink before he left, even though he knew Gibby and I had been cleaning that morning. The mess he and the skids left while I was gone? I bagged anything I didn't need up and put it down in the basement. let them deal with it later.

And then he texts around 7 tonight, reminding me to be nice to PITA 16, and not to bug him or start a fight. Right. Did he text PITA and remind him to be nice to me? To Gibby? Because all he did from 8- 10 pm was bug the shit out of Gibby. Gibby finally went and hid in his room, and PITA followed him into there!

The other thing i came to the realization today is that I do not feel safe with my husband. When I was growing up, I always knew Dad had a steady job. I never had to worry. With Loghead, it's hard. I know as a teqacher he has a steady income, but he's changed jobs a lot, from school to school. Then he was fired in December 2009 and that was hard and scary. It put a lot on my shoulders. he found good part time work, and got a teaching job in August 2010. But we are still struggling. I got a part time job for the summer. It's taking time from what I want to do, and from spending time with Gibby and the skids, but I know we need stuff and I know we got bills. And I see he's got his resume out... I asked him about it, but he didn't have a very good answer. I think he's thinking about a principal job he told me about a week ago... And that's great. More money, but more stress too. The three times he's been a principal during our marriage have been some of the roughest times we've had...

I just feel really out of balance. not sure what I should do. not sure what I want to do. I just don't want to stay in this holding pattern...