Step mama drama
So here it goes ... I'm 24, im in my first serious relationship and I couldn't have picked a better guy , or maybe I could've ? My boy friend for 9 months has a 10 year old son who became so attached to me from the start that he asks for me when I'm away from them and even calls my phone . I met him extremely early in our relationship , the boy was actually with us for our first date. We went bowling and it was fun and we were all happy but that went sour when I realized he would be around for everything else after that . His mother is a dead beat so my boy friend has full custody of him which makes things worse. Not only do I expect them to always be together but I have to experience the constant indecisiveness my boy friend has about where to take his son shopping , how will they spend holidays, what to cook for him .. I even have to help with whether or not he should allow him to continue to try to form a bond somehow with his unreliable bio mother. I see his son cry and it breaks my heart because I know what it feels like to miss a parent. I hate to say it but he does annoy me sometimes. He sucks his thumb which pisses me off because I'm big on attractive smiles and general health. He's had a cough he can't get rid off due to sucking his thumb after a game of ball or being outside around germs. He leaves used cups around the house and is just now learning to clean after himself becaus I told him he needs to pick up his mess , he's old enough to. My boy friend is the most respectful, patient and caring man I've ever met but lately my true feelings have been coming out and we ended up in a heated argument. I told him I don't know if I can get used to this and that I hate that our plans revolve around this extra factor, his son. Some days I can embrace the situation entirely and other days I want to run away because i simply feel like being a step mother is a total cramp of style. I wish he was more into the arts and into educational things and not tv shows or videos games that teach him nothing and don't keep him occupied enough . I love my boy friend but im accepting that it'll be a slow process to loving his child because deep down I know I dont need to and the circumstance makes me stubborn. What do i do? I know I can't continue my step mom bashing around my boy friend . I do feel it is his fault for introducing me to him so early and not teaching him that it's a process , he shouldn't be allowing him to call me whenever he wants to and he definitely shouldn't have brought up the "f" word , family , so early in our relationship which he did while we watched a movie together one month into it.
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Comments
You are 24... you deserve a
You are 24... you deserve a life with a lot less stress and a lot more fun. Your feelings about this cramping your style are only going to get worse. Get out now.. not 10 years from now when you have 'wasted' 10 years of your life.
I agree . Good thing is I am
I agree . Good thing is I am goal oriented and have my hobbies outside of the relationship. But once im back in his space it's like all that goes to shit
I agree, your 24, your young.
I agree, your 24, your young. Go travel with your friends and experience the world and go to college. Live another fun and free 6 years...at least!
Then worry about boys and setting down and providing for a child.
My best advice is to drop
My best advice is to drop this guy and go enjoy your youth. I love my husband dearly however if given another chance, I'd probably just have remained friends with him because of all the drama that his child and ex have brought into my life...
I like that last sentence lol
I like that last sentence lol You're right , I think of leaving sometimes to enjoy my life more . Thank you for your comment
Before I met my H, I met a
Before I met my H, I met a man for a coffee date. He seemed nice, I had discovered he was a widower. He had custody of his son from a previous relationship and had custody of his step-daughter after his wife passed away.
With me so far??
Because the coffee date went so well, I agreed to a dinner date. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the restaurant and there he was with BOTH OF THE KIDS. He saw me before I had a chance to turn around and leave. It was pure torture sitting there with them because I found out it hadn't even been a full year since "mom" passed.
After dinner (where I was questioned by his kids about piercings (mom had them), tattoos (mom had them) and pirates (mom loved them) and if I liked dad's wedding ring (yes...giant gold Claddagh wedding ring showed up at dinner), I told the guy I would call him later to talk.
During the call I explained these two issues:
1. A heads up on the kids would have been ideal, as I would have not agreed to dinner. Not that they weren't nice kids but he shouldn't introduce anyone new to his kids until he is firmly in a relationship.
2. If you feel the need to wear your wedding ring around your kids, then you're not ready to date.
He asked for a second chance. I agreed, only to find out he was looking for a new mom for his kids.
And that is what your "wonderful" BF is doing with you. You received a huge red flashing warning light on your first date and you continued the relationship anyway. Your BF isn't going to change anything because you're now parenting his kid (see your habit of correcting his behavior) and he's going to run with it.
Want to know why?? You'll be the bad guy (disciplinarian) and he'll be the good guy (fun dad!).
Your "wonderful" BF is not wonderful at all. He is NOT looking for a GF or life partner or wife. He's looking for a mom for his son.
My advice?? End this relationship and get on with your life. In the future, be more careful when dating a man with kids. Come back to this site and read some of our stories. This is not an easy gig and you allowed yourself to be sucked into a role in which you're not comfortable.
And for dog's sake....DO NOT have sex with this man or GET FRICKING PREGNANT. If you're going to continue a physical relationship with him, double up on BC. You do not want to be trapped in a relationship with him out of guilt. Not love. Guilt.
Mini-hint....you've been sticking around because of the kid and the guilt you feel because his bio-mom is not around or uninterested in him. This is not your problem. It sucks for the kid, suggest counseling to BF for him, but it is not your problem to fix.
You're so right ! That's how
You're so right ! That's how I feel sometimes like he is just looking for a mother figure to replace his ex wife . I'm on birth control and we are very careful so no worries I will definitely NOT be screwing this situation up anymore
Wow ! So u know how I feel !
Wow ! So u know how I feel ! I feel like it wasn't fair at all that I met him so fast and unexpectedly and because of his situation I want to help , until I'm stressed that is :/ im too young for this I need to figure out how to get away
Yea I need this house clean
Yea
I need this house clean I grew up practically in boot camp lol my mom always making sure I tidied up and the habits have stuck with me. Gladly I'm not controlling I have proper house etiquette . I spoke with him and we are planning carefully how to help disengage a little when it comes to the "family" thing . One step at a time
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments ! I spoke with him and we agreed to move slower and find ways to make more time for just the two of us . I want to give it a shot he has been a real gentlemen he just needs to also learn the whole step parent thing is a process and I had no problem voicing that
Your "wonderful boyfriend" is
Your "wonderful boyfriend" is not in love with you, he is shopping for a new baby-momma to raise his kid.
Sorry. That's just what I get from your story.
Maybe you're right . I need
Maybe you're right . I need to step away , but he is really nice , he's faithful and we do have fun . I'm getting confused .
It makes me angry that he
It makes me angry that he didn't consider how'd I feel down the line . That he just bumrushed me into this predicament
Im 24 too, newly engaged to
Im 24 too, newly engaged to my partner. We've been together now just shy of two years. We dated over a 6 month period before moving in together, we are an international couple so it was complicated.
I didnt meet SD4 (then 2) until we decided that I was going to be moving in, we built up that contact slowly, he was the custodial parent but BM took him back to court and gained custody, so our situation now is different as SD4 isnt here full time.
That being said, if within the first year of your relationship you are in pain enough to make you question whether to stay or leave then you really do need to take the time to make the right decision.
You recognise that you moved too fast, whilst thats great theres nothing you can do now to change the past. I personally believe that everyone person going in to a step relationship has a time period in which they really struggle to accept the step child, be it because they cant get their head around why their partner screwed the BM, or because the skid misbehaves etc etc. The important thing is open communication between you and your partner, because if HE isnt able to honestly understand your feelings when it comes to your step son then it will make the whole relationship so much more difficult.
The fundamentals that I have learnt from steptalk are;
1. Boundaries. There needs to be boundaries, you mention that BM is a dead beat but you also mention that you are somewhat expected to help support and try to encourage a relationship between BM and step son. This is not your job, your boyfriend needs to be shielding you from any and all drama that the BM creates or can create. By all means support your step son if he comes to you and wants to talk, but his primary contact when it comes to talking about his BM should be his dad. At the end of the day all you can tell your step son is "I dont know your BM, all I know is that shes your mother" and direct him to your partner.
2. Communication. Speaks for itself that one but communication needs to be open between you and your partner, he needs to be able to understand your feelings in regards to step life, without that understanding you will fall into arguments simply because he doesnt get it. Then he will feel attacked as he will feel you just dont like his kid.
3. Time for yourself. Yes you are dating someone with a child, however that doesnt mean all your hobbies and interests suddenly vanish. Doing something for yourself is essential to your mental health, any parent, step or otherwise, but when your dealing with a child that isnt your own then you need that "alone" time a bit more just to keep your sanity.
4. Disengaging. Disengaging is something that alot of posters here swear by, but again only works with your partners support. I am not disengaged, my circumstances dont call for it, I dont think many are disengaged with younger children.
My dad said something to me when I left my ex, that relationship had been my first relationship and we'd lasted nearly 10 years. When I eventually had enough and explained to my parents that I was going to be leaving he said to me that whilst a boyfriend is a boyfriend, there are relationships in life that come and go. When you are dating someone you try to make it work, ofcourse you do, but it is only when you have made a solid commitment, become engaged, married, had a child together that you really have any moral obligation to try more than once to make things work. Nobody dates with the intention of splitting up, however if you are unhappy whilst you are dating why would you think a switch would suddenly change and youd become happy by marrying or starting a family with that person.
This is YOUR life, you only have one. Dont spend 10 years in a relationship feeling guilty and unable to walk away only to have it fall around your feet and then regret it. But at the same time, dont walk away right now if you are going to spend the next however many years second guessing.
You need to sit down and honestly think over what kind of life you want, the life you have and what you want in future.
Kristinaperez, run as fast as
Kristinaperez, run as fast as you can. Really sorry to tell you this, but if you already feel that way, it will only get worse.