How my step-parenting began
I guess I should start where it all began. I met my man two years ago. It was a very strange situation. He was living with his ex girlfriend at her parents house with their son. She had told him countless times it was over between them and the ONLY reason he was still living there was for their son. When he finally decided to move on he met me and we hit it off from the start. She was of course furious and claimed to still love him and want him back. Pulled one of those "I didn't know what I had until I lost you" deals. He was more than over her and told me all about their relationship and the fact that it was terrible from the start. She got pregnant only two months into their relationship. Once she was three months pregnant it all went down hill for them, she became very depressed and abusive to him, they were CONSTANTLY arguing, screaming at eachother.
Now it took him five months to finally move out of her parents house and into a house he recently bought to live with me. Their son N came to live with us as well. She was very very young when she got pregnant and usually in situations like that the father bails... not in this case. My man C got N because even her parents thought she was unfit to be a mother. She would have rather been out with friends drinking doing drugs than be at home with her own son. She couldn't even stand to watch him for an hour while he, C, was out running errands.
I should have seen all this as a red flag to our relationship (him still living with her and what-not) but I was just so drawn to him and his messed up life that we've managed to live together now for two years having his son full time and by that I mean N goes to his ex girls parents house for a total of 4 days a month. Of those 4 days I don't exactly know how much time N spends with his biological mother. C and his ex never contact eachother they haven't spoken in over half a year, their only communication they have is through her father. N's grandpa. I like it that way for my own sake but I believe there should be better communication between the two house-holds. She only recently contacted me through e-mail and as much as I loath this girl I keep it civil for her son's sake and mine as well.
If I had known from the start how all this would be I'd probably be in a much different relationship right now having much different problems. I don't know what my life would be like had I never met C and had I never been an instant "mom" figure. I guess I hadn't quite thought the whole future through when he asked me out and told me he had a son. I never took a second to sit down and really think to myself "do I really want to be a dating a guy with this big of baggage? especially at my age?!" I'm only in my early twenties! Already I'm raising a little boy who isn't biologically mine. Everyday is a new stress, a new test. The question is do I have the will to pull this off? Would I ever have the will to leave this little step family I've come to love and care for?
- krenee86's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You're in your early 20s, so
You're in your early 20s, so this *is* a huge amount of responsibility. Do you feel like you're getting the support from your man that you need to be a mom, a wife, and a young woman with emerging interests of your own?
You say nothing of what your own parents and friends have to say on the matter. What do they say as the outsider looking in?
Life deals up new and strange experiences, kids or not. When you speak about the "will to leave" just clue us in if that's a cry for help (you feeling really trapped?) or just the musings of someone who wonders if life is more interesting when one is free of family?
I sorta feel like I was
I sorta feel like I was thrown into the whole mother thing. When we first moved in together him and his ex were still communicating and she still had some interest in her son. Then slowly her hate for him grew so much she stopped caring about her own son (at least it felt that way). She has a lot of problems which shes finally getting help for. Once that happened I became a more permanent "mother" replacement I guess you could say. I take care of N every morning monday through friday from the time he wakes up to the time I leave for work at 3:45 Which is also the time my man C gets home.
Up until recently, after confronting him on my issues, he never used to thank me for all I do for him. The problem is he pays all the bills, I'm living in his house, so naturally he expects me to just be able to watch his son everyday, everytime he needs. He doesn't pay me or anything, we are planning to get married next summer but I sometimes feel like he uses the fact that he pays all the bills as an excuse to make me babysit his son and clean house. I'm just like a nanny.. that he has benefits with. I love C very much and I care about N very much as well but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Most people I tell this to think I have it made. I live with a guy who takes care of me, which yes is true, and I appreciate all that he does for me as well! but it wasn't my idea to have him pay all the bills. He decided that on his own as soon as we moved in together, he said "Its my house I wouldn't ask you to pay any bills" but he left out the hidden catch of having to watch his child day in and day out without at least discussing it with me and how I would feel.
Maybe I'm being completely silly. My family was shocked to find out I was getting so serious with a guy who has a child already. They are still learning to like him and get to know him, even after the two+ years we've been together. They still think I'm making a mistake, although they haven't come right out and stated that, I can just see it in the way they respond when I tell them how much I love him and can't wait for our marriage. So I guess to answer your questions simply, no I do not have the support of my family at least not fully. As for my guy I think its half and half. I feel like hes using me but at the same time really appreciates all I do.
My friends on the other hand are a completly different story. They don't care so much about the fact that he has a child as to the fact that they just don't like C at all. They believe I deserve better and can do better. I'm just so lost and confused in this relationship and everytime I try talkin to C about this directly he turns away from me and says "I don't want to argue". Discussion over. I feel like this is not a normal relationship, which he thinks it completely is. I try explaining to him "this may be a normal relationship for you because your the one with the child, this is your life. Me on the other hand I am not biologically linked to your child in any way." I have dated other guys previously who have not had kids and we had the everyday "normal" relationship problems where as now all our problems seem to swing back to the fact that he has a kid at our age.
I can completely understand
I can completely understand your dilema. I am dad (Step) to my son (SS). That was my choice. I fell in love with his mom and they came as a package deal.
We met when SS was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2. He just turned 18 a few weeks ago. My wife and I celebrated our 16th anniversary this summer. Our marriage has been pretty awesome though not without the usual marrital issues, parenting issues, IL issues, and blended family issues, etc .....
All three of us (Wife, Son (SS) and I) have thrived within the family that we created when we married.
The way I have dealt with the issues you are facing was from the very begining to insist that I am an equity parent to our son with equal status, authority, say, etc ... to my wife and to the SpermIdiot. I have not had to struggle with the discussion of my wife's life being different than mine because her life is that of a single mom and I have no kids. I do have a kid. I have raised our son (my SS) as my own since he was a baby. He (my SS) has a relationship with his BioDad (the SpermIdiot) and the SpermClan including SpermGrandMa, SpermGrandPa and his three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs by two other mothers. The SpermClan is a source of tension in our family but we deal with it as a family (of 3) and move on. None of us want to waste time or energy on giving the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan any more our energy and attention than they deserve. Which is not much.
Though challenging, I chose to be his dad and I act as his dad and do not entertain the questions you are struggling with. I have never felt that my wife is using me as a sugar daddy, a baby sitter, a stand in daddy, or any other way is using me. We are partners in our marriage. For that to happen we have to trust each other, appreciate what the other brings to the marriage, and raise our son as a team. Even if I am not a biological particpant in his existance I am married to his mom and am his dad.
Not that your feelings are invalid. They are perfectly valid and perfectly normal feelings for nearly evey Sparent IMHO. In my case, I chose to dedicated myself to the incredible woman I married, our son (my SS) and to move forward in life as a team and by dealing with the issues of Blended Family Life as a team and as part of the life we are making together..... as a family.
Some of the issues regarding being a young Sparent that you are facing I have not had. When my wife and I married I was 30 and she was 18 with a 1yo son. However, my wife has dealt with becomming an independent, educatated professional within the bounds of starting the journey as a teen mom, teen wife, etc...
As a young woman in a relationship with a young single father you will travel a similar journey to that of my wife IMHO. If .... you choose to.
IMHO you have only one decision to make. Are you willing and capable of entering a marriage and making a family with a man with a child by another woman?
If the answer is yes, congratulations, climb on to the roller coaster of blended family life, buckle up and hang on.
If the answer is no, congratualtions and move on before you are in too deep and cause yourself, your SO and his son deeper hurt when you leave.
I certainly can understand the concerns your family and friends have with the situation. They want what they think is the best for you. My younger brother and I agreed many years ago that neither of us married a person good enough in the eyes of the other. Over the years we have both agreed that we were wrong. My teen single mom bride has become a graduate degreed CPA with a successful career, we have raised our son (my SS) to be a HS graduate and are confident that ...... someday (if he pulls his head out of his ass) will be a viable adult and a man of standing in his community. My brother respects and loves my wife as his SIL, loves my son (SS) as his nephew. My brother and his wife have raised three beautiful children and I have come to appreciate and love my SIL as a wife to my brother and closest friend,an incredible mother to my neice and nephews and one of the most caring and loving people I have ever met. Not that my bro and I don't occassionally shake our heads at some of the behaviors that each other's wifes exhibit just as we shake our heads at the behaviours that each of us exhibit.
A key characteristic of our family that I believe has contributed to our success as a family is that we have never lived closer to the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan than 1500miles. Until aging out of the visitation component of the Custody/Visitation/Support order a few weeks ago our son (my SS) would visit the SpermClan 7wks a year. 5wks Summer, 1wk Winter, 1wk spring.
A EOW/EOWE Custody/Visitation set up seems to be a much more dramatic and difficult situation to sustain a marriage within. Paying CS also seems to be a source of significant tension in blended family marriages. Since your SO has custody this should not be an issues for you. I would for sure insist that he gets a court order giving him full physical and legal custody if he does not already have one.
My wife is the CP which has given us significant latitude in making decisions on what is in the best interest of our son (my SS) and our family. When the SpermIdiot or the SpermClan get out of line we just role the Custody/Visitation/Support judgement up and beat the snot out of them with it (figuratively of course).
Becomming and being a Sparent can be an incredible and rewarding experience. It can also be a living hell. In my case, it is long periods of happiness broken by occassional short periods of fury, anger, frustration and emotional swings.
But, I like a roller coaster much better than I do a merry-go-round.
Just my thoughts of course.
Welcome to the community.
Good luck and best regards,
I want to thank you for
I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm glad I came across this site, it is helping. They, my SO and his ex, have not gone to court nor do they have plans to at the moment. I have told him over and over if he wants to keep things the way they are at the moment he should go now while he has a better shot at getting N full time "legally". I don't know a whole lot about how any of that works. I am enjoying having a child I only wish he were biologically mine. I feel as though I am limited on what I am able to do as a "mother".
It was very refreshing for me to hear that you have been happily married to your teen mom wife for so long. Its nice to know situations like mine can have a happy ending. I'm hoping for the same happy ending in my life as well.