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Adult SD is making my life miserable

KikiT's picture

Ok I'm new here so please just help me along the way. I am struggling so bad with this and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My DH has a 22 year old Daughter that lives a couple of hours away from us. I have been with him since the end of 2016 and we have been married since 2018. She was 17 when we got together. She has always been his only child and has always acted accordingly. Prior to me if he had anything that she wanted, she would get it without question. Keep in mind that at the time we got together he had been couch surfing for a long time and didn't really have much of anything. He was in school and living off of loans and didn't have a job. Either way even previous to that she got whatever she wanted from him at all times. She is a master manipulator and he has never been able to see that.

Recently SD got very upset about him calling my niece his daughter (long story) and started treating my niece like garbage for no reason. She left the family function we were at just because she got jealous and didn't want to be there anymore because my niece was there. I texted her the next day asking for her to call me so that i could talk to her and maybe help ease her mind. She didn't call of course but sure did call my DH to find out what I wanted. Rude in itself considering I was being pleasant. I called her daughter in the text and so apparently all of the sudden that's a big fat no no. After the next phone call between the two of them it was discovered that her problem isn't with my niece at all but is with me. I'm not her mom she said among other things. I didn't realize that he even called me her mom to someone else at the family function so I was confused about how I did anything wrong. So needless to say she treats my niece horrible because she doesn't want to share her daddy with me.

SD has done many things to hurt me and also get between DH and me and it has worked so far. I'm exhausted, hurt and otherwise depressed. I have done so much in the way of making sure they have had a relationship including making sure they have seen eachother over the years. Treated her as my own without being pushy about anything and have continued to be my normal self. I made her a bridesmade in my wedding and she always gets spoiled on the appropriate holidays. Now I find out that it was all for nothing and that she has only been pretending to like me in any way at all. It has all been fake. I am devistated and feel as though I wish she would have just shown her hate for me from the very beginning so that I wouldn't have gotten hurt. Am I wrong for feeling like this whole situation is unjust? Am I wrong to think that she is an adult and that we should be able to concentrate on our marriage and not the pleasing of a spoiled and rude 22 year old that causes problems from a distance for no reason?

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

Yes the situation is unjust. Except in step shit world everything is upside down and makes no sense, at least to the reasonable people.

These entitled jealous skids make it their lifes mission to conquer and divide. They do it well. The only way your marriage works is if your DH treats YOU like the wife, not the daughter as the wife. He needs to have your back, shut her shit down and put you first. If he doesnt do this you are in for a soul crushing ride.

Read up on here you will learn tons . Adult step children forum and Disengaging will help .

JRI's picture

There are hundreds of us who have jealous, resentful adult SDs.  Mine is 59yo, for heaven's sake.  Stepdrama is right, disengage.  Read around here, you are positively not alone, so many of us have done everything possible to have a good relationship but no luck.  Wishing you the best.

 

caninelover's picture

Many never grow out of the drama.  Read up here on disengagement.  Don't call her daughter or stepdaughter, she is DH' daughter or call her by name.  Same for you - she can call you DH's wife or your name, but not mother or stepmother.

Do not let her live with you, ever.

Otherwise just stop trying, don't get her gifts etc.  Be pleasant if your in front of her but keep the conversation superficial.  

Your niece should just ignore her, they don't need to have any relationship at all.

Good luck!

CLove's picture

I am 7 years in. And have SD22 Feral Forger (who never liked me, but now that I have money and can pay for things, shes ok) and SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin. We used to be pretty good until recently. But thats a story you can read on my blog.

This kind of thing happens a lot, in stepworld. Im reading a really good book called "stepmonster", and it describes this whole situation quite well:

- Sdaughters are worse that ssons.

- When Sdaughter has dadee all to herself, and he "spoils" her and gives her anything and everything and even his OWN things, and then evil stepmother comes along and changes that in any way and you are of course to blame because that is just downright EVIL.

- Sdaughters that have a father who feels guilty for the divorce happening, and the SD's play on this and use this guilt as a manipulation tool

- Sdaughters that dont grow up, because they are both spoiled AND completely enmeshed with parents, so they tend to stay immature a$$holes for a loooooooooong time.

Some keywords to look up:

- minwife

-disney dad/guilty parenting/guilty dad

- disengagement

- enmeshment/entitlement

Lots of stuff to read!!!!

Your husband MUST put you first, stand up for you at all times, and let his daughter know that she needs to be respectful towards you.

hereiam's picture

She got everything she wanted from him because HE gave it to her. That is on him.

I have done so much in the way of making sure they have had a relationship including making sure they have seen eachother over the years.

I just don't get why women do this. Their relationship is their business. If he didn't take it upon himself to have a relationship with his daughter and see her, why intervene? My DH's oldest daughter (who I rarely discuss, here), was estranged from him when we got together. I left.it.alone. He knew the situation better than I, who was to "fix" their relationship.

I always thought that my SD (the younger one, different BM) liked me, then she let it out that she believed all of BM's lies about me. Was I hurt? Hell, yes, but I got over it, emotionally detached from her, and don't give her a second thought. I don't hate her, I want the best for her, but I really don't think about her.

Am I wrong to think that she is an adult and that we should be able to concentrate on our marriage and not the pleasing of a spoiled and rude 22 year old that causes problems from a distance for no reason?

No, you are not wrong but look at WHY you cannot concentrate on your marriage, why the pleasing of a spoiled 22 year old comes first. What role is your husband playing in this?

She's making your life miserable because your husband allows it.

 

 

islandgal2021's picture

She is toxic and will never change - that's also largely on DH.  He should've put his foot up her ass a long time ago.  There's a saying that goes something like "people will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated".. Put up boundaries - disengage from her and act like she's some distant stranger.  Also try to learn to ignore her - that usually does their head in.

Big part here is on your DH - if he's not supporting your relationship and putting her in her place, then he needs to fix this or learn to accept that you and her will never be close. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Your situation is like many SMs. You enter in mto a relationship with the best if intentionally to realize you have actually entered the twighlight zone.

I wouldn't try to explain it or ationalize it. You're better off just accepting that for whatever reason you will not be liked or accepted by SD and find ways to maintain a healthy relationship with DH while maintaining healthy boundaries with SD for your own emotional well-being.

thisisus's picture

I am new in here and learning too. My SD is bat$&!% crazy. I am learning to roll with it. My very supportive husband does feel guilty for the impact his divorce many years ago had on my SD. He does not speak with or communicate at all with her BM. That actually makes it worse because when my SD is on speaking terms with her dad, she blames everything on her mom. When she is on speaking terms with her mom, everything is her dad's fault. She is very manipulative and plays them against eachother for her own benefit. As boring as it sounds, somehow we all have to learn how to not let crazy get us down and just be happy. Sure we all want the big happy and respectful family. But, reality is what it is. Many of these adult stepkids are Godless too. They have no religion, faith or emotional stability. I hate to bring up religion. But, I was raised to ask myself in every situation, What would Jesus do? Many kids simply don't care what Jesus would do. It's all about them in the me generation. They lack empathy for others and only truly care for themselves. It's sad BUT there IS hope. It's called prayer and genunie love for them. I'm taking my own advice and praying for my SD.