BM put church 1st
Thank you for your prompt responses to my previously rants. I highly appreciate all the inputs. I'm back again for another one.
Kinda a situationship with BM who is investing her time in church 5 days in a week. SD 7 currently in grade 1 (SD always behind with her home work). Today after school (DH, SD & I seat down to complete her incomplete work of Friday, yesterday (Monday) & the one for today. We couldn't finish on time and tell DH to inform BM to finish the rest with SD.
Guess what, BM called DH complaining about why we couldn't finish all of it (BM has full custody of the kids, it was her weekends with the skids). DH told BM (the home work was for Fri, Mon & Tues). She immediately dropped the phone. Ever since the school starts, she never seat with SD/ss and help them with school work. Her lame excuses are (after picking up the kids, off to church and from church the kids are already asleep or tired). BM never missed a day off at church (9te time).
Should I back off? (*I do stay with the skds for an hour till she picks them up after work. DH leaves for work at 5 pm.) SS 11 & SD 7.
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you can't control her home.
you can't control her home. you can't control what happens in her house. you can only control your reaction.. You can decide what you are willing to do or not do to help the child get caught up.
Not control her home
It's a burden to the skids h/w (if church wasn't a main thing). The skids always dragging me to help them with h/w. (cos time is limited when with BM as from our house off to church).
again.. you cannot control
again.. you cannot control her. all you can do is control your response. You can refuse to swoop in and help the kids. That can be your line in the sand.. you cannot compell her to not go to church. you cannot compell her to work on her children's homework.
Your husband could petition for full custody if he feels they are not getting their needs met at mom's and then HE can do it.
unless those kids are fully armed with automatic weapons.. they can't force you to help them.
ESMOD
Thank you kindly. I got the msg loud and clear.
At the end of the day, if she
At the end of the day, if she is the custodial parent - homework is her job. If you can and coose to help with what you can while you can, that is very kind of you. You are under no obligation to do it.
Now on my soapbox- I despise when young children have more than 20-30 mins worth of homework! My kids school got rid of homework in elementary school and it was the BEST policy ever. It actually gave time to spend with them in the evenings. Young kids need to run and play and decompress from sitting in school for 7 hours.
Thank you
I do help them when they ask me to (normally, they will drag me to seat with them and help). I do understand about playing (on our weekends with us, they have ample time with that). Unfortunately, DH & I, don't let them to play outside after school (1.it will be difficult to get them back inside 2.BM will complain how dirty they are when she picks them up)
Guess what, BM called DH
Guess what, BM called DH complaining about why we couldn't finish all of it (BM has full custody of the kids, it was her weekends with the skids). DH told BM (the home work was for Fri, Mon & Tues). She immediately dropped the phone. Ever since the school starts, she never seat with SD/ss and help them with school work. Her lame excuses are (after picking up the kids, off to church and from church the kids are already asleep or tired). BM never missed a day off at church (9te time).
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ALL of this is the parents duty. NOT yours. How old are his kids?---they should be doing their own homework. At school does the teacher sit beside them when they are doing assignments? Why do you care if bm sits with kids at home or not. It is not your concern.
You should not be sitting with them either. It is their homework not yours. Whether or not it is correct should be by their actions. That this the point of homework, reinforce what the child learned that day. You are not doing the kids any favors by 'sitting with them".
Different to help a child study for a test. But homework,...come on. You already know you should not be helping.
It's their hw, yes.
But if you're not sitting with them. They'll not do it. I dunno the education system around here probably it's far different from my home country. In public schools, one has to strive for the best. May be, there is a reason why the teachers provided them with homework books and classwork books.
"Kids, homework is part of
"Kids, homework is part of your job as a student. If you have a specific question, I will try to help you, but if I can't, you'll need to ask your mom or dad for help. But this is your job to complete and manage."
BM would send my SSs to DH without any of their homework for the week being done. YSS would have 2-3 hours of reading and math to do each week, plus make-up work. DH and I both drove ourselves bonkers trying to force YSS to do it.
Now? DH just tells YSS that it's his job to figure it out and ask for help. If he doesn't ask for help, DH will assume he has done it and knows how to do it.
BM can scream and cry and argue all she wants, but it's first and foremost the kids' responsibility to get their homework done, and then the parents to support them when they need it. Your help is not required, and if it isn't appreciated, then I wouldn't continue to offer it. BM can find a daycare program to send the kids to and pay someone to help the kids with their homework.
BM wants best for the her kids
She claims to want best for the kids yet she's not putting much effort into it. Ss 11( was on private school which pays a lot of r and he was always the last in a class). Teachers had blamed DH as to why ss never done his homework or studied for any tests. SS has been put in the public school and his homeworks are bit behind.
Believe me not, BM would never consider that either ( a day care / someone to help with the skids homeworks). Whatever goes wrong, BM is to be blame when it comes to the kids.
Then don't offer your help
Then don't offer your help beyond what you're comfortable with.
Listen, some BMs will yell and scream about every little thing whether it's your fault or not. All because she yells and screams about it doesn't mean that it's an issue that needs to be fixed.
If BM is concerned about their schooling, SHE can step up and deal with it. If your DH is concerned about their schooling, HE can step up and deal with it. If the kids are concerned about their grades, THEY can step up and do their work.
It is NEVER your obligation to help, especially if BM isn't happy with the help you provide. You do what you want. If she isn't happy about that, she can scream and whine about it. But that doesn't mean you need to do anything differently.
Thank you for this. After all
Thank you for this. After all, BM doesn't even acknowledge my existence.
It seems like I'm just poking my nose into their business.
Yes you should back off. If
Yes you should back off. If you choose to assist that’s one thing but I wouldn’t make it a habit as BM and your H need to figure this out. Your H needs to get his balls out of BM’s purse, grow a spine, and stand up to her. She has full custody of the kids and they should be her main priority. She wants to attend church 5 times a week that’s on her but she needs better time management as these extra hours are not benefiting her children completing their HW.
You and H can only do so much but I’d be damned if I’d allow her to complain to me about something that SHE has complete control over. I’d shut her @ss down and keep it movin’. So stay out of it, as long as you are there to clean up their mess they will not have no incentive on fixing this….which is real simple!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I will definitely do as you suggested (back off). I will come with the feedback if possible.