Fed up
My hubby and I are fed up with my step daughter (13). I've posted a few entries about her bad behavior and after these last few weeks we are both officially at the end of our rope. Let me tell you what happened this week. Lets begin by me finding a used pad in Her drawer, I then place it in her bed, So she will see it and planned to talk to her about it but when I went back she again placed it in her drawer to hide it again. Ok so I found it initially, put it on her bed, she puts it back .She gets in trouble and told to go to bed and throw it away. I go make sure she did throw it away and it's not in there. I go get her out of bed and she says she set it on her table and went to throw it away and I was gone, which means the dog or baby found it. I freak and make her tear the house apart to find it. It's no where. I go back to look in her room and check that drawer and low and behold she put it back in there . This behavior I just described is how she is on a daily basis. Anyone have any tips for how to deal with a kid like that? She already has nothing. Her moms family is coming to discuss her stayng with them for the remainder of the summer. (Her mother is deceased). Our house has just become so negative and up enjoyable all bc of her.
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Has she been to counseling?
Has she been to counseling? She sounds disturbed based on your entries.
Lots of counseling, no
Lots of counseling, no changes.
She said it had been in there
She said it had been in there for weeks. And that she was too lazy to throw it away.
When I realized that SD14 and
When I realized that SD14 and SS11 had some issues with hygiene and keeping their room a certain way. I said forget it and stopped going in their rooms. I then convinced my DH to build a bathroom on our third floor so I wouldn't have to share a bathroom with them. Now if she wants to leave her pads in the trash can to smell like death, that's her and her brother's problem. SS11 complains about her all the time. Apparently she "forgets" to flush the toilet on a daily basis. Not my problem. She's too old to be going through this and so is your SD. Let her drawer smell like death.
Her room had been smelling
Her room had been smelling and I couldn't figure out why except her dirty laundry she's refusing to do. But now it makes sense. I can't understand why someone would want to be so idgusting. She will go days without bathing if no one forces her
Laziness and some females are
Laziness and some females are just nasty.
It sounds like some of the stuff is done on purpose to annoy you. And you giving her a reaction is what she likes. Did she seem embarassed that your DH was involved and knew she was keeping it in a drawer?
No she never has any reaction
No she never has any reaction to anything that she gets in trouble for. She usually shuts down immediately with no talking and no emotion.
Wow...she's a weird one.
Wow...she's a weird one. When SD was letting her pads pile up in the trash can and smelling up one of our powder rooms, I told DH to go tell her to empty the trash because the smell was bothering him. It was enough for her to stop doing because she was so embarassed that he talked to her about it.
She claims things embarrass
She claims things embarrass her but never changes anything. She has nothing in her room but a bed and clothes bc of all the lying. We've tried everything to motivate her and nothing works.
Oh, man, I'd celebrate with
Oh, man, I'd celebrate with confetti and marching bands if my SDstb15 ever got embarrassed to have her dad talk to her about this.
I know, I set myself up for a
I know, I set myself up for a lot of it . I just want my house clean and not smelly lol
Have you tried having a talk
Have you tried having a talk with her about things in general? In a way that doesn't seem like she's on trial or everyone is picking on her? *(how a kid that age would see things coming from the parental figure).
Just keep calm a sec and let me explain how it came off to me....
You went into her drawer, found something that she put there (for whatever reason)
you left it on her bed with no note or anything and now, well, it's gone. She got rid of it.
(somehow), and you are upset with her again. From her perspective, her life has gone from bad to worse. She can't do anything right and now she's got you embarrassing her over used pads.
That's how I imagine her point of view being. Your's I understand completely. My steps mother passed away when they were both under 5. Life for them has been complicated. (I say that with a very deep breath and holding my eyes from rolling).
But, anyway, for this, sit her down or conversely let her Dad do it, but have that conversation with her about what to do with used feminine products. What to use when, how to use them and how to dispose of them.
Sorry for the long reply, hope things get calmer soon.
I see what you are saying.
I see what you are saying. She's super sensitive. Too so I'm sure she ws embarrassed I even foun it. I just don't understand why after being caught you would hides it yet again. And hen lie to us saying you don't know how it got back in there.
Just you saying that you know
Just you saying that you know how sensitive she is, makes me smile. You get it.
She is embarrassed. And that shut down is the uber defense of teens. I think you'll find a way around it and in time things will get better. It's a pain in the ass, but what teen isn't?
Annoying little human beings that are major works in progress. If *(and only if) you feel it's worth it, invest yourself in time and effort and work on her. Like say, a feral cat.
As for the hiding it and lying.... She's embarrassed. Not that it excuses everything, but still.
I got nothing, except OMG I'm
I got nothing, except OMG I'm so glad I'm not you right now.
I'd be tempted to make her carry or wear it every single day if she loved the disgusting thing so much.
Maybe ask her counselor?
The counselor is clueless.
The counselor is clueless. And trust me. When I kept finding pads still in here underwear in the laundry I threatened to hide them in her binder so she'd display them at school. That finally stopped but now it's this.
This is how she is with
This is how she is with EVERYTHING! She will go the extra mile to not compete tasks and then have elaborate stories of how it's not her fault etc.
E thought has crossed my
E thought has crossed my mind. When we have company or are around family she's totally different. She says it's bc she's not comfortable here at home.
I abandoned the big bathroom
I abandoned the big bathroom in the house the minute I married him. I claimed the small bathroom for my own. Never use the big one in the hall that they all use.
One day I had to go in there cuz he was installing a new shower head in mine.
What I saw on the floor made me lose my mind. We had been cheerful and happy the moment before I went in there but the moment I came out he could see hellfire and damnation in my eyes.
"Oh, yeah, I knew that was in there, I knew it would upset you, I should have taken care of it."
"Nooooooooooooooooo! YOU should not have taken care of it. YOU should never have seen it! It is HERS to take care of. This is HER life, it's personal to HER." I was pretty damn livid and it ruined our evening.
So what we came up with was having her start her first damn chore EVER (at the age of nearly 15) which was to be to empty the trash in that bathroom. I suggested she have to sweep it, too, exactly so she could get the idea that it's better to throw it away NOW rather than sweep it up later.
Well, he didn't add the sweeping until this last weekend (the original incident was about 5/6 weeks ago) because he became steaming mad at her himself over all her general hellacious 'tude and behavior. After she did the sweeping that afternoon, she came out and showed him the dustpan. His eyes got big and he said, "Yeah, you get the point now?"
So I'm sure she found some of her own filth on the floor again and that's what was so important for her to show Dad in the dustpan.
Hopefully, she will be more pro-active now about being tidy with that matter.
Seems like an Extreme Gentle to the point of pathological way of handling it to me. Left to my own devices, I would of course have taught her proper behavior long ago but since her BM didn't, left to my own devices I would probably have withheld food, water, and oh yeah, oxygen until she got the point. Yanno, nothing too harsh.
I thought it was just her but seems like an epidemic of stepdaughters with extremely inappropriate boundaries with their dads on their personal gynecology. What the heck? What the HECK????!!!!
Read your last 2 blogs and I
Read your last 2 blogs and I feel your pain. Disengaging is hard, and at times you can end up feeling rejected even though you are trying to reject the problem relationship yourself. Ultimately what we want are amicable pleasant relationships with the people in our home and it is very difficult to accept that that is not going to be the case and to adjust to living in a perpetual standoff.
Don't believe her 'I don't care' stance. She's just trying to hurt you, because ultimately she's not happy with her life and she's jealous, jealous of the secure relationship you have with her father and the loving relationship you have with your baby. A relationship which she has lost with her own mother and which makes you and your much loved baby the focus of resentment. This sounds like a displaced child who tries to assert control through stubborn little rebellions and deceptions. Understandable, but hard to live with, especially for someone who is not the bioparent.
Here's some practical advice.
1. Don't go in her room. You can't tell her you're not doing anything for her, and then start cleaning or rooting round her room. If you're disengaged then what she does with her sanitary towel should be nothing to do with you, unless it affects the shared areas of your home, in which case your husband should take responsibility for addressing the issue. Make your husband the intermediary. He should ensure her room is cleaned out at intervals. He should talk to her about appropriate disposal of sanitary waste. In all honesty I think a lot of teenage girls can be a bit slobby about sanitary stuff, this is not a problem unique to your stepdaughter and she will undoubtedly need to be reminded about it again - by her Dad.
2. Avoid passive aggressive tactics like silently moving items in her room and waiting for her to find them and respond. I know it's tempting, you're angry and upset and want to get at her without confronting her. But it lowers you to her level and won't achieve anything.
3. Don't ignore her. They say the opposite of love is indifference. So work at being more indifferent to her behaviour rather than ignoring her. Be pleasant, say hello, make a bare minimum of chit chat. Don't worry if she responds. At best you look like the grown up and she may eventually maintain some civility herself, at worst it will annoy her more because it shows you're not letting her get to you.
4. Try to treat her like a lodger, someone who shares your home but is not your responsibility. Don't do anything for her with the expectation of getting something back.
id advertise that by putting
id advertise that by putting them in her book back when she starts back to school. id gather them up and then Id empty her book bag and line the inside with them.
but im an evil bitch so....