New to the group. Railroaded from the start.
I'm new to the group. I’ve been lurking but I’ve finally decided to post. Sorry, it’s kind of long. My DH and I married 8/1/08. I have a nine year old son. I uprooted our entire lives, put my house up for sale and moved across town. DH wouldn’t consider moving because his two sons (14 &16) didn’t want to change schools. I agreed to move under the condition that we try to sale his house as soon as mine sold in order to purchase “OUR” house. He went back on his word when my house sold in September and I feel trapped. The skids act all territorial about the house and DH doesn’t call them on it and the house just wasn't built for today's blended family. Our bedrooms are really close together. DH wants to be intimate when the kids are awake and I am too uncomfortable. I've recently discovered that one of my stepsons has a computer porn addiction which makes me doubly uncomfortable. DH thinks its normal teen behavior and doesn't feel he needs to talk to his kids about this.
DH worked nights when his 1st wife passed 8 years ago. DHs parents kept the kids weekday evenings/nights. When DH went to dayshift two years ago, he left the kids unsupervised a lot as a result of working overtime and dating me. The skids were always kind and respectful while we were dating but the gloves came off after I married their dad and moved in with them. DH cut our wedding celebration short and left 1 hour after our “I do’s” because he had to take OSS to football camp. He cut our five day in-town honeymoon to two days when skids wanted to come home early. We haven’t had any alone time since we’ve been married. I don’t even feel married.
DH does everything in the house. Skids just lay around all day, eating, watching TV, playing video games or they are on the computer when not in school. They do their own laundry but their rooms are a stinking mess and they don’t clean up behind themselves. DH doesn’t think they should do more than what they are doing. He won’t agree to set household rules. He said I want to run a military camp and that I should let kids be kids. Both skids have openly disrespected me and DH and DH just looks like a dear caught in headlights. He does not say anything to address or correct their behavior and has even tried to blame me on occasion. I disengaged immediately without even knowing what I was doing.
My son recently informed me that YSS would come into his room and demand things and throw shoes and objects or hit him if he doesn't give him what he wants. I was quick to address this mess and nip it in the bud but I just don’t think YSS can be trusted. He’s the quiet, sneaky type that flies under the radar. He operates with no boundaries and doesn’t respect anything or anybody. I'm concerned about the influence that living in this twisted environment may have on my young son.
Bottom line is our house is completely out of order and I'm struggling to live in a place where DH is a wimp with his sons. He stonewalls me whenever I try to discuss issues (parenting, housing, finances, alone time etc.). He doesn’t try to meet me halfway on anything. He walks out and doesn't speak to me for a couple of days. How are you supposed to work on issues, a marriage or anything if one party will not talk? My MIL told me that YSS claims he didn't even know his dad was getting married until he arrived at the ceremony location. HE'S NOT TALKING TO THEM EITHER. My MIL is heartbroken. She said DH has never had much to say and he is just peculiar and that I should try to talk to him.
DH will not consider going to counseling. I asked, he told me to go by myself. I made it clear to DH over two months ago that if he is not going to treat me as a partner and support me and my right to live in a courteous, orderly, peaceful and clean home then I would vacate? He hasn’t said one word that would suggest he’s concerned or even cares if I leave. I told DH that I’m open to working on the problems while living in separate homes but he says the marriage ends when I leave.
I’m closing on a house and will move out next week. I feel like I’m doing what’s best for mine and my son’s mental and emotional well being but yet, I feel so torn. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Comments
I think you are correct
First of all welcome to the site!
You should be treated as a partner and if I were in your position I would certainly be moving out-
He may want to work on things once you and your son are in your new house.
Keep us posted!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
So far, Kay, it seems as if YOU have done all the work!
I certainly wouldn't blame you for moving out of that chaos, either, especially since your OWN son is so young.
When he reneged on getting your "OWN" place (or is dragging his feet, anyway), that would be more than enough for me, especially since you and your son uprooted yourselves.
And, your wise to do it NOW before you amass too much "joint property". I agree with Endora in that, if he really wants to work things out, he will take the time to worry about it/work about it when you make your move.
If he considers you "divorced" and doesn't want to work things, out, then I think you know where you stood all along.
We're all with you; please keep us informed!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I think you are right to leave.
You have to do what is right for your son. He is too little to understand all of this. Your DH should be trying harder to make you apart of the family. Getting a house that is "yours" was a great idea and I would demand that. Though I have to say, I am not sure that this would change a lot of things.....the boys behavior is still going to be out of control till DH steps up.
Don't you hate it when the H want to be "together" when the kids are awake in the morning? I feel uncomfortable as well, I think guys just don't care--its not just your H most men act this way.
Your giving and he is taking
He didnt want to relocate his children..So therefore he was catering to them...He doewnt want to make them behave...catering to them.....Where do you and your child come into this...You both are the ones that relocated and changed your life....You made sacrifices...He doesnt want to talk about things, because men have a problem with dealing with real life...They push things to the side and would even lose their loved ones in the sake of NOT Fighting or talking things out...I say fighting because when you just wan tot talk things over they call it a fight....You have to do what is best for you and yours....And if it is moving on do it now before more damage can be done...
life to short
to live unhappy. your doing the right thing.
I agree with all the ladies
He is not willing to compromise or bend in ANY way to even meet you in the middle. He is playing the "all or nothing" game with you, where you clearly have to give ALL and he has to do NOTHING.
I think you are so right in getting out now before it gets worse...especially for the sake of your own son.
It sounds like you are very wise and incredibly strong. I think you will come thorugh this experience just fine. Keep us posted.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
home
I have never seen a happy ending when one party moved into another parties home and especially in this case where the mother lived there before she died. People are just like animals and they are very territorial. Its not unusual for one parent to really spoil the kds after one of the parents pass away so some of this is typical. The good thing is you are not going to waste any more of your life on a terrible situation and you are moving on. You are not the first person that fell for all the campaign promises and then the person didn't deliver and you wont be the last.
YOU ROCK!
Good for you, be strong!....do what is best for you and your child,,No-one should live in that condition .
you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child,,,believe me it will not get better, it will take years of counseling and alot of hard work by every family member to get that home healthy for you and your child, and it sounds like not one person is interested, especially your husband.
This family has alot of issue that you shouldnt get involved in, especially with a 9 year old.
Im glad to hear that you still have your house money and was smart enough not to get trapped.
MOVE OUT and MOVE ONE, DONT LOOK BACK,,,you and your child deserve better ..
I'm only doing what I know how to do
Thanks for all of the support. I'm getting so emotional just reading the responses. I wanted so much for us to blend and do well but I can't do it without my husband's active participation and support. Does anyone know what kind of counseling would be beneficial? I really don't think marriage counseling is the first place to start because most of the issues I've witnessed living in that house existed long before I married DH.
At first I wasn't going to
At first I wasn't going to say much until I read your last couple lines...now I have to say that I am so glad you are moving out! I know these things are easier said than done, but trust me, things will not get better if one person is not participating in the marriage. I am so glad you are putting you & your son's needs first & not letting him grow up in a house full of selfish lazy brats and with a male role model who will not stand with his wife. You don't want these things affecting your child, and everything we do or don't do shapes how our children turn out as adults. Congrats and stay strong!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Family Counseling
You stated that the BM passed away about 8 years ago, so that means your ss were still very young. Maybe they need family counseling regarding issues with the BM passing away.
Hopefully your H will wake up and see whats going , but as for you and your son I think your are doing the right thing moving out.
You have no other choice
but to move out. If DH won't go to counseling, he seems not willing to move forward with you. To me, that says it all. Sounds like they all have some pretty serious issues. Sorry you are having to deal with this.
You have company...railroaded is an excellent description
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
of what happened to me, as soon as I married h.
Tho his kids do not live here, our situations are much the same. And I have tried everything I can think of to change it....but he's in his zone, doesn't care if I'm miserable, as long as he and SD's are happy.
I'm so glad you had the option of getting your own place and leaving. Right now, that is not an option for me (more railroading-resulted in me quitting my job and being financially dependent on this ego-maniac).
He's shown no regard for you, or your child. Put yourselves first...if you don't, no one else will.