New to the group
Hello all, I have been a SM for 9 years now. My husbad is a widower. His wife passed away in 2011 and he was in a previous relationship before we got together. I have 2 boys who are 19 and 20. He has a son who is 19 and twin girls who are on the verge of 18 come next month. We have had every discussion, every disagreement anyone could have in a blended family.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We just bought a home and we moved from our long time home. He was a dad raising young children all alone. He was definately in survival mode when we met. His children were wild and did not have any rules so consequences were unheard of. I worked in education and have extensive knowledge on children and teens. I utilize all the information I have learned on my boys and I am always looking for new information that is benefical for any and all areas of child psychology and family issues.
That being said, I was never prepared for the ride I was embarking on. I have a SD and he is my dad. Hes been my dad since I was 8. It was a hard dynamic at times adjusting to that when I was younger but I saw the love my parents had so I changed how I viewed him.
My husband has both his parents. They took the hands off approach with him and his siblings. He left home early and returned. Found his soul mate and they were married for 12 years. They shared the idea that children did not need rules or guidance. Then the unthinkable happend when the kids were 5 & 6. He was lost, his world was gone and he withdrew from everything. He realized after a couple moths that he had to get back to raising his children.
We met a few years before we got together. We had the same friends yet I rarely saw him bc he was with his kids of course. When I arrived it was sweet and the kids were trying their best to get to know me. I was excited to get to know them. We have a lot of history now. Our situation has been dire, its hit the point of critical and it almost ended. Its been up and down for a while yet now we are going to counseling and we are going to church. God has really done miracles for us.
Fast forward to today, through all that tumultuous past and we stil are having issues. I am here to vent and to let go. To get advice bc I feel defeated and its good to have comrodery when in the trenches of wicked step parent.
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5 Teenagers
Welcome! I feel for you with having 5 teenagers. That's what we had, too. Its a wild ride! Vent away, I wish I had had Steptalk back then. I'm glad you're in counseling, that was my savior. Good luck!
5 Proto adult Skids/kids in a 2yr marriage.
Just thinking about that makes me want to drink.... heavily.
3 of them raised in a free range parenting model marriage with few boundaries and likely no standards of behavior or standards of performance. Then losing half what little parenting they were getting.
Not a place I would want to be as a SParent.
So, how many of the 5 are living at home with your and your DH? No doubt the twins are, but how about the 20,19 &19 yos?
If I were you and DH, I think I would get all 5 of them out of the house upon their HS graduation. They can live on campus or in an apartment once they finish HS and either start University or get jobs.
We only had one (my SS-30) and for various reasons we lit the burning platform to get him to launch less than a year after he graduated from HS. He graduated at 17 so we gave him the summer after graduation until his 18th birthday on our dime. Then he had to either be a full time student, work full time, or 50/50 to live at home. Nope, he was not interested in either school or work. So, he worked for us as our live in beck and call laborer chore boy. We worked that kid's butt off.
We offered him the full meal deal mom and dad University ride anywhere he wanted to go (and could get into). It is not a point of pride for me that he was self aware enought at that age to know he was not ready to focus and put in a successful effort. He told us that and that it would be a waste of his time and our money.
So, 10mos after his HS graduation and 8mos after his 18th B-day he shipped off for USAF BMT. He decised that working for us 7 days a week for only room and board was not a great deal for him.
In April he will have his 12yr service anniversary in the USAF. He has 4 years left on his current commitment and indicates that he fully intends to serve at least 20 then retire.
Each kid is different. What is the status of each of the 5? That may influence the comments you get.
Take care of you.
Congrats
Congrats on raising a strong man! Thats great that your SS knew he wasnt ready for college. The USAF is amazing! I have two cousins are joined last year and a cousin who just retired, Marines. I agree about the out at 18. If you had told me a few years ago I would have objected, however, my idea then was that they would learn. They have not learned anythng in the whole 8 years I've been SM and attitudes are high, they have expectations of grandure and DH is clueless, leaving me on an island by myself.
My older son went to trade scool to be a master technician for BMW. He stayed with us for about a month while he got a job. We found an apartment thats 30 minutes away from his job and he moved out last week. He lived on his own for the course of the program with 3 other guys who went to the same school. My SS 19 ran away at 17, was into a lot of drugs, was obsessed with a girl in the neighborhood and ran away to Oklahoma. They ended up getting pregnant on that adventure. He now lives with his GF in our home town with a few roommates and their 2 year old daughter. He really stepped up as young parent and provider. My other son 19 lives with his dad and SM and stepsisters. He is going to CC and works. Our SD's live at home with us. Its been difficult with one in particular. She is the one who makes plans and likes to take control of our house. She also baby talks when shes at home. Its very, very annoying. We have been working with her on that but DH lets it slide a lot. He is oblivious most of the time. She uses that voice to get what she wants from him which leads to us having disagreements. Its great.
A lot of that ferrel mentality has stayed with them. All the SKids feel that a parents role is love their child no matter what with no rules or expectaions. They can do as they please and it should be ok.They refuse to be accountable for their actions. Our SS is learing the hard way as will his sisters. Its sad. I tried to guide them but there was a lot of resistance from DH. A lot of the time I was the one in trouble for enforcing rules he created. It was a mess. We had times when things were good and equally when times were really bad. Over time it got a little better then one day after we were married it all came crashing down. I was the ultimate bad guy and DH enforced that with his kids. The D word was mentioned and I told him it was not an option. We were going to figure this out. It will be a year that we have been working on our problems. The change has been so vast and great that when I think about its unfathomable. We have grown as a family yet there has been didtance that has been growing with the SD. They were fine before and now they have a list that they hold on to with me. They ignore me, they talk back, they say they will do someting then don't. DH is still clueless and I have to tell him constantly, " Are your hearing this?!" He is just as bad as they are which explains alot.
Needless to say, I am soooo very ready for them to leave. My only concern is when and if they visit. Will he ignore bad behavior, will he stand up for me or am I just going to do my own thing while they visit? I know I can't control the future and I should not worry about it yet, I had hopes for our future on how we would be as a family and today that expectation is far gone. I have worked hard and I have sacrificed and I am still in a boat rowing in circles with my SD's. I am hoping that when life hits them they will wake up.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Glad you found us, although that means you are having a rough time of it.
I imagine there is some Daddy Guilt, in addition to the whole Angelicness of Saint Late Wife.
I would reccomend that you continue therapy, and perhaps have some just for YOU.
Read around here and you will definitely gain clarity.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing. I definatley need therapy for myself. The late wife did questionable things so she is far from sainthood. These kids would be in a totally different place if she was here. I would not have stayed if she was in the picture. I fell that it would have been worse with the miniwife and thier DH. They were an even bigger mess together. Its sad.
Was going to say that...
Looks like youve already done some reading on mini-wife syndrome.
With your husband not having your back, it sounds like what happens with me - they bond over having a common enemy - us. With us being the bad guy, THEY dont have to. They can stay in friends mode forever with this dynamic being played out forever.
Disengagement is likely something else youve encountered. Im daily trying to step up with disengagment. Take it day by day.
The countdown is inevitable, and with distance, hopefully will come clarity. However dont count on them launching until about 21-22...or later.
I would be sorely tempted to
I would be sorely tempted to baby talk whenever you hear SD doing it. Say you thought it was the accepted way of expressing oneself and you didn't want her to feel alone...
I would then take your husband aside and ask him if he imagines they will be there to care for him when he's older and needs help. I would also let him know how much of a turn-off it is to see him cater to adults and be treated like a doormat. Has he no pride? Maybe also remind him who he is f*cking and if he wants that to continue he had better change his ideas.
I get everything you said!
My DH became Widower in 2014. We met in 2015. I have 3 grown children that live on their own and I Baumé a stepmom to 4 of my DH' children. (2 from wife #1 and the youngest 2 from wife #2 who is deceased. Originally all 4 lived with us but the two oldest have moved out (with a lot of drama in between) Now SS12 and SD10 live with us and it's been ridiculously challenging especially with the SS (lying, throwing out food, stealing and innaproprate computer use) He can't stand me and it's tangible. It's causing so much drama and this last 3 months I've started disengaging (For survival actually, I didn't even know it was a thing!) I've started going out with friends,working a lot and joining small groups at church. Basically doing whatever I can to stay out of the house. I never saw all these things happening and I guess I was pretty naïve thinking we were going to turn into the Brady Bunch. Needless to say it's far from it I to joined here to keep my sanity and I found it so helpful to know that I'm not alone. DH's second wife was 10 years younger than DH, and I am going to be 58 this year. Having challenging SK's that are 10 & 12 is taking its toll. I dread the ne t few years as they are just about to be teens. My favourite word has always been "hope" but I have a funny feeling it's not going to be for long.
Solidarity
None of us knew what to expect. The sad thing is most of us went into it with the best intentions.
Also wanted to say
I just signed up this week so I'm new too. It's good to have the support, and I appreciate your sharing what you have. Thanks to everyone who contributes here to walk alongside when it gets hard and lonely as a step parent. I was never prepared for the animosity that came with it. I'll gladly
be an ear if you ever need one!