I feel so guilty but dont know what to do
Hi - I had to to tell my husband today that my SS cannot come into our house not even to visit. He is a recovering addict and recently diagnosed as bi-polar and currently in a full time program for that issue. My DH says that I dont want him to have a relationship with his son which is not true. Until this past summer I thought I had a close relationship with my SS (I have no kids of my own) but then we discovered he was a herion addict. I just feel like he used me for money for many years (I make twice what his father does). He manipulated and used me. My DH says that it was the drugs and being bi-polar - I dont agree.
We paid for his school- which we found out he basically never went, paid for rehab and now paying for part of the program he is in now. So much money just wasted. So much so that our retirement will have to be delayed.
He is 20 years old and living with a friend's family. His mother is a vile, evil human being who her son takes after. She only calls my DH looking for money.
He has no job - and when not in therapy just sits around feeling sorry for himself. I am afraid of him - scared he will come into our house and start manipulating DH to move back in.
I can't handle that and have told my husband that if he wants SS to move back in - I am leaving and I mean it. The house is mine and I will sell it and never see his launtic family again.
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Comments
I'm so sorry to hear what
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through! Why is it that these men always put it back on the sm that we want to ruin their relationships with their grown children? Stick to your guns! He will continue to use and abuse his relationships until he's clean and sober. And if this son is really serious about recovery, shouldn't he be owning up to his addiction issues? And as far as the bipolar issue, my ss34 has that disorder and my DH makes excuses for him all the time. He doesn't want to work and just wants to mooch off everyone he knows and get high all the time. Things are slowly changing for the better though. I know I can sound like a broken record, but I think it would help you and your hubby to get counciling on your own. I hope things turn around for you.
I agree with your dh. Its
I agree with your dh. Its the drugs and the bipolar. That doesnt mean that you have to let him in your house - living with a bipolar adult is really difficult, add drugs to that and there's just no getting control of one unless the other is in control. But I hope you will read up on bipolar disorder. It is a really hard thing to live with and your ss is going to need as much support as he can get, especially if he is trying to kick a habit. I'm really sorry for everything that you are going through. Maybe you could talk to a counselor? Or join a support group? NAMI has support groups for families of people with mental illnesses and Im sure that there is a support group through Al-Anon for families of addicts. Best of luck.
I went to Al Anon and I was
I went to Al Anon and I was seeing a therapist - just he situation does not change. My SS does not want to get better and DH just makes excuses
I have read up on bi-polar
I have read up on bi-polar disorders - he can get support from his parents. I really cant be there for him. I am trying but every time his BM or SS calls we land up in fight because all I am doing pointing out all the lies and manipulation including BM. I journal everything so I can keep track of the lies from BH and SS.
I'd like to know just how
I'd like to know just how your DH thinks that because you have requested that SS not be allowed in your home that this is denying him a relationship with his son?? He can't meet him for lunch, dinner, visit the home where he is staying, speak with him on the phone??
I agree with what you are doing. you can only be taken advantage of so many times before you have to put an end to it. By continuing to pay for everything, do everything for this boy, it is just enabling his poor choices and behaviors.
Thats what I said but I had
Thats what I said but I had to point out to my DH that my SS only reaches out to him when he wants something.
Your DH definitely needs to
Your DH definitely needs to be the one going to Al-anon and counseling. Most likely the program he is in now will have a family aspect to it, where family comes in for group counseling as well---INSIST that DH goes, as he is enabling SS behaviour by making excuses. I don't think you should completely say SS cannot come to house ever---maybe keep in mind possibility of a few years down the road, with a strict set out boundaries for SS
Journal on SS? But its
Journal on SS? But its probably a waste of your time. DH will not "believe" anything but his SS has problems & he's going to need help 24/7/365. Why not change the Journal to be more about you/your thoughts & dreams. Spend more time on you vs. nailing SS b.c. his parents aren't going to nail him for squat but target you for being mean to him although you are 100% right.
No guilt allowed. I would not
No guilt allowed. I would not have a known bi-polar drug addict in my home. It's called tough love and he has to hit the bottom before he will get the help he needs.
I went through this with a friend once. It took years, but I stuck to it. Years later,after this person's successful recovery (which is a process which will never end. They have to stick to their programs and they have to want it and believe in it and learn to take responsibility for their actions) we are friends still and I am the one who wouldn't tolerate it and the one who is thanked for that now. I never stopped caring, but I did stop all contact.
You are only at fault if you continue to enable, because they will never get the help. Drug addicts think they are victims, that everyone should help them, that their imagined needs are the most important thing in the universe. Nope.
DH needs to understand too. There's a reason it's called tough love. It's tougher on us than it is to the one who just has to fall hard enough to get the real help that is there.
I am so sorry you have to go
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can completely relate. My SS18 is not allowed in the house because he is a drug addict. It's very sad when that happens but everyone else can not go down on someone's sinking ship!