SS18's BM called yesterday (Sorry to blog hog- Christmas always has drama)
So the last time I heard from BM1 was probably 3+ months ago. She FB messaged me and wanted SS's #. I told her I would let DH know that she wanted it and it wasn't my place to do more than that. She got nasty, I ignored.
StepGBM let me know that I should keep her out of his life. GBM has custody of BM's younger 4 kids. The middle 2 live with their dad and BM doesn't even have supervised visits. SS has lived with DH full time since SS was less than 1 and BM has only had supervised visits once a month since he was 2. She rarely has even done those.
Keep in mind SS18 is autistic and bipolar along with some other issues. BM did drugs while pregnant. She was supposed to be at his graduation in May but she got arrested instead for DWI, assault, and attempting to escape custody. She had a warrent out and was arrested again for violating probation back in October, but I guess she got out until her Jury trial in April. SS doesn't know anything about this. He thinks she had strepthroat. He is such a sweet kid. I love him very much- and I will protect him with all I have.
Anyway, BM1 texted DH and wanted to talk to SS18. DH gave her number to SS and SS wound up calling her. The problem is SS now thinks because she has been married for like 2 years that she is stable now and probably taking her meds like she should. He cried a little with me and told me he wants to give her another chance. I told him that we should talk to his counselor about it and start slow. He agreed.
Now DH and I have to decide if we tell him that since this is his mom's 4th DWI, paired with 2 assault charges and attempted escape from custody, chance are she is going away for a while come April. Or if we just let her disapear again after he goes through the forgiveness process to be hurt again. This sucks.
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Yes, tell him - he is 18,
Yes, tell him - he is 18, even if he is autistic. No sense in getting his hopes up, or not telling him the truth.
(Side note: your DH sure knows how to pick 'em! How'd he get so lucky with you? :P)
BM1 was an 18 yr old drunk at
Do we tone it down or tell it straight up? His adjusted age is 12 so I feel like that makes a difference.
BM1 was an 18 yr old drunk at a party right before he left for the navy one night stand. BM2 was the rebound from his hometown after the BM1 divorce.
He did get lucky with me! But I have my issues too. He is the calm to my crazy and my best friend. We are good together. I think God had a plan for us to go through what we have been through in order to truly place our marriage as a priority and be the best partners we can be together.
It can't hurt to ask his
It can't hurt to ask his therapist, but I would just say something like (DH should say it), "I know you are really hoping Mom has gotten her act together, but sometimes when people have had problems for so long like this, it's really hard for them to get stable. I know that Mom has some consequences for some of her drinking and driving, and she will find out soon if she has to go to jail or not. I hope not, but we don't know yet." or something to that effect.
That is good... I like adding
That is good... I like adding that we hope not. Even though I hope she rots in there for the next 5 years at least!!!!
Well, of course! But he doesn
Well, of course! But he doesn't need to know that.
That's such a hard place to
That's such a hard place to be in justmakingthebest. My heart goes out to your SS (and frankly you and your DH as well).
I really wish your DH had thought things through when it came to giving the number. Marriage means NOTHING about stability. How many of the Psychotic BMs have gotten remarried and been just as bad, if not worse.
Poor SS18....
Do you think she'd even show to "reconcile"? Or was it just a spot of weakness on Christmas???
Thankfully she is in Oklahoma
Thankfully she is in Oklahoma so she won't pop up on our door step or anything. I think that if it was suggested we do counseling sessions and she be on the phone she wouldn't do it. She only went to one or 2 sessions with him when they were court ordered back when he was 16 and she wanted more visitation.
Well good. Because frankly
Well good. Because frankly your SS18 doesn't need that crap.
I'm split on telling him... I very much so think he should know the truth, but at the same time... It's just going to be shattering for him either way
I would email/call his
I would email/call his therapist and ask their thoughts. SS needs to know, but there is a right way and wrong way to tell him. His therapist can give you guidance on how to do it in a way that SS understands and can make choices for himself.
Remember, SS is an adult now, or emerging to be one. You shouldn't hide things from him like you probably did when he was younger. If after he hears the news about BM that he still wants a relationship with her, then he needs to learn how to do it in a healthy way. If he doesn't want a relationship, then he needs to learn to process his emotions.
Your DH's job now Isn't to protect SS from the truth. It's to help him use his coping skills to handle the hard knocks of life. The hard knock now is that his mother is trash and DH chose her as SS's mother. Your DH can't protect him from that fact, and he needs to not let his own guilt and heartache about that keep him from teaching his son to handle life's disappointments.
Does SS work OR is he being
Does SS work OR is he being trained by a Vo-Rehab in your area. Hopefully you have a therapist that works with SS...have the therapist explain this to SS...best advise I can think of.
BM probably wants him to move in with her for SS's SSDI money.
My teenage SS is also on the
My teenage SS is also on the spectrum.
His BM sounds a lot like your BM. You can’t ever fix this for him-that is so far out of your control it’s in another dimension-but you sure can give him the tools to cope with it and get through it. Sounds like you’re doing all that you can.