I am sitting here feeling overwhelming dread. Anxiety. Depression too I think, my kids leave for 10 weeks in 7 days. 

I am mentally preparing to disengage as soon as my kids are gone. I want them to have fun the last week before they go, one thing I hate about the schedule that we have with their dad is that I get no summer with them and thanks to covid, we weren't able to do anything fun this year. We couldn't even get a long weekend beach rental because the military still hasn't lifted their travel ban in our state.

I am usually a super preparer. I just realized that I haven't cleaned SS's room. Put bedding on. Gotten any of his favorite foods or drinks. Nothing. I haven't done an damn thing other than try and find something fun for us to do as a whole family. DH's stupid new schedule meant we had to cancel the deep sea fishing trip I had booked (that DH isn't supposed to go on-- Shhhhhh!) and there is no day when we can reschedule at this point that would allow my kids to go. DH was still trying to get me to book for after my bios left, I texted the captains number to him and told him to make the reservation for 2 or 3 and that I had no desire to do something just for SS15 and SS20 would be miserable after he lost cell reception, so, have fun with that. He didn't book anything once he realized I didn't want to go- I don't think he really wants to be with SS without me. I make a good buffer and can keep things light and fun. It is exhausting and I don't want to this time.

I need to get some new books, bring my beach bag to work and just plan on going to the beach for a couple of hours every day (I get off at 3:30 Mon-Thurs and 1 on Friday) since I am less than 10 mins from there. DH will be working a 24 hr shift every 4th day for the foreseeable future- so that means lots of time with just me and SS's. I just don't want to... I don't want to deal with either of them to be honest.