NSMR- Need advice for DD13
Ever since my exH made a bunch of false promises to DD she has decided to make everyone in our home's life a living hell. She is mean and vicious. I have no idea what happened to my daughter.
I have talked with her SM who told me that she is really bad there too. DD was with them for about a week and 1/2 and during that time SM texted me and said that we should look at a 5 yr boarding school and go halfsies. (It was a joke, but at the same time, you can tell her frustrations are high too).
We have started counseling and I know it takes time but JESUS! This is bad. She had been told by both homes that living with her dad isn't going to happen and that if her goal is to make me miserable in hopes that I will ship her off, that won't happen either. I think at this point her SM doesn't really want her there either.
Last night SM confided in me that she was hoping that she could pay DD this summer so that her and exH could go on some date nights but due to DD's attitude and the way she snatched up the baby more than once over this last visit she doesn't even trust her.
I seriously don't know what is happening with my kid. This is just crazy and we are all at a loss. I have spent so much time just bawling my eyes out to DH over it. He is afraid that it is going to turn into the non-existent relationship that he has with SS- which of course makes me feel like I have to DO SOMETHING to fix this now.
I know teen girls are the worst in general. Does anyone have any idea on how to connect better with her? She refuses to come out of her room most of the time, won't go shopping, get her nails done with me, go to the beach, - none of the stuff we used to do all the time together. Last night she told me she was "done with this side" of her family.
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Gee, I bet your ex is wishing
Gee, I bet your ex is wishing he wouldn't have opened his big mouth with all of those promises.
Sorry that you have to deal with the fallout of his and his wife's little scheme.
What are you guys doing to deal with the behavior?
It took us quite some time to figure out the currency of DD15 and SS16 (formerly SD), but once we got there, the teenage girl drama reduced significantly. We learned that both kids felt most stable when they understood that they were not in charge and that their terrible attitudes and behavior would not be tolerated.
Not knowing your kiddo, but hazarding a guess, I would bet that she's feeling unimportant and/or rejected about not moving in with Dad, but doesn't understand it, so she's just lashing out. Hopefully, the therapist will help you figure it out. Is she going regularly? And more important, does she like the therapist?
13 is a terribly tough age.
13 is a terribly tough age. I don't think that trying to "bribe" her with shopping or the beach is really going to get to the root of her issue. Has she indicated that what she is angry about and "done" with is that she didn't get to go live that fantasy life her dad was dangling out for her? Or.. could it be something closer to home? could she be doing drugs or have friend/boyfriend problems?
She may be angry because she got a big dose of reality in that she is not the master of her own ship. You and her dad (and others) have a say in what she does.. and she can't control things.. so she is controling what she can by being a turd to everyone.
I might take a different tactic in that people that don't treat others in the home nicely and with respect find that the nice things that come with being in a family don't happen. I might decide she doesn't get to participate in her sport while she insists on acting like a little emotional terrorist. other "benefits" of being a nice child will go away as well.
Is it possible that she
Is it possible that she actually wanted to live with her dad, even without all the bribery, and now she can't and feels powerless?
I know my YSS's attitude did a 180 when he moved in with us. Same as my brother when he moved in with my dad. Granted, you're nothing like ET, and you haven't made the mistakes my mom has. But, I don't know how much those factors impacted YSS and my brother. Personality-wise, and goal-wise, they're more similar to those parents than the others.
I guess it is possible, but
I guess it is possible, but never stated anything like that- actually plenty of the opposite before the bribes. I do think the powerless aspect of it might have more to do with the attitude than I realized.
She leaves next weekend for the summer. I guess we will just have to see how everything plays out.
The powerlessness was a BIG
The powerlessness was a BIG piece for YSS. Again, I am 100% NOT comparing you to ET, only speaking from what YSS has talked about. For him, not feeling like he had a voice, and couldn't change his circumstances, and was stuck in the same pattern that would lead to failure for him drove him into suicidal thoughts.
If I had to take a guess, for your DD, it's not nearly that deep. But, her dad and SM are family. She has siblings with them. She has seen the pain SS has put your DH (and you, and everyone) through. Now Dad is closer and she's stuck in the same pattern of not seeing her siblings and other half of her family on a more regular basis. That's not me blaming anyone, just may be fueling her feelings.
Also, has she started her period yet, or recently gone through a growth spurt or other puberty milestone? YSS had THE worst attitude from 11-13, and reasoning with him was a challenge. If she's having big feelings at the same time her body is going through big changes, it may be making what was once just a sad/bad situation so much worse.
That all makes sense.
That all makes sense.
Her dad and I have worked it so she sees him as much as possible. But since this is all new, I don't think she gets it quite yet. I also know she is very bitter toward SS. She doesn't want to see him ever. She hopes he never comes back. There is definitely jealousy issues there.
As for her period, YES! She has and OMG! That roller coaster is a ride I just want to be away from! LOL
Boys don't have the uterus
Boys don't have the uterus problems that girls do, but the emotional highs and lows are similar. YSS could fly into a rage, reduce to a crying puddle, and then skip off with the lightest, happiest steps ever over the course of 10 minutes. He saw his doctor, a therapist, and the school counselor about it and they all were like "eh, he's more extra than some, but this is within the realm of normal."
By 14, and with a massive growth spurt, he evened out. He still gets mad/upset, but it's far more controlled. DH did a lot of work with him to channel his feelings so he could express them respectfully. Lots of sitting and counting through tears, punching pillows, cussing up a storm in his room. Whatever to help let it out so he could process. Perhaps teaching DD some ways for her to let it out - and giving her the permission to do it - would help?
It's not easy for sure.
I see what both ESMOD and
I see what both ESMOD and Neogooseus are saying- I guess I am afraid that if I push her too hard I could lose her.
I don't want to be a Disney parent by any stretch of the imagination, I just want us to go back to how it was before. Maybe that is impossible for now and I do have to become more authoritarian- which she claims is all I am and hates me for it.
DH has said to just tell her she doesn't have a choice, come join the family. We can play a game in the evening or something to make her interact with us. I guess that is really what I have to do to snap her back into realilty.
It may actually help to have her away for the summer
She may learn to appreciate what she has at home.
I totally get the fear that you'll push too hard and lose her, especially given all you guys have been through with your SS. But kids are weird and they actually like knowing that there will be consewuences for bad behavior--and they like understanding their lane of traffic. It sounds like this kiddo has just lost her way and you have to get her back in it.
I wish my husband would
I wish my husband would "force/insist" that SD12 joined in with us and did more things out of her room. I know she would protest, but I also know it would be healthy for her to get away from her computer and being on her own and to do something different with us. The times when we have done that she seems to have really apprechiated doing something different.
If your daughter is feeling down then trying to think of activities that combine some or all of..exercise, being outside, nature and socializing could help to boost her mood.
Here are a few things that we have done recently, in case they give you inspiration for something t do with your daughter. We had a family day out at the zoo the other weekend that SD said she really enjoyed and before that one evening after school my husband told SD that she wasn't doing homework that night but that we were going to go out to a nature park with a lake to have a picnic. We all went with the baby and the dog and SD said that she had a really good time there too. We also took a week away recently, though SD was still doing remote schooling. We stayed at a rental by a lake. It was near impossible to get SD to go outside except for marshmallow roasting round the fire - and when she did come out she seemed to really enjoy herself, running around like her younger self and star gazing. We also played board games in the evenings half of the nights which she was very reluctant to join in with but was not given a choice about. She seemed to enjoy that too - though I am not sure she would admit it.
I really feel for kids this year. Everything has been so awful for them with all the social distancing, remote schooling and lack of socialising and then add on the general trials of having divorced parents it is tough. At some point though when the cajoling and being nice and asking for different behavior and trying to be understanding doesn't get anywhere I think that parents need to start to enforce ativities/behaviors that will likely benefit the child even if the child is reluctant to admit it or cannot see it at first.
I agree. Thank you for the
I agree. Thank you for the ideas! I need all the help I can get right now. I feel very lost, we were always so close and this rebellion thing is very new to me as a parent!
I think I will pick up some marshmallows and chocolate on the way home tonight too. We have a wonderful fire pit area and I think it would be a good night to roast some s'mores!
You've got her in therapy,
You've got her in therapy, that's exactly the right thing to do. If progress isn't made after several sessions, maybe look for a different therapist. Ideally the therapist can at least get y'all to a point where you can have some productive communication. Other than that, I think this is just one of those things you have to wait for time to resolve.
If it makes you feel better, I was an absolute nightmare to my mom for an entire year (16 to 17). Now I know that I was trying to drive her away for a variety of reasons related to trauma, but at the time I just thought I hated her. By the time I was 18, all was well.
Hang in there, I know it sucks. It's almost shocking how much a teenage girl is capable of hurting you, I've been there. Also, Tina Fey deals with it too and you know she must be a cool mom:
https://fb.watch/5-GYnp0HGH/
I would definitely pursue
I would definitely pursue therapy to work on communication as well as gaining some strategies for yourself on how to deal with her behavior.
Remain firm and consistent, have clear boundaries with established consequences and expectations.
Also with teenage girls I always recommend tracking behavior and mood patterns to see if it relates to Thier menstrual cycle. At this age most times the behavior related to mood swings and hormones. If there is a definite pattern you can talk to DDs primary Dr. About options to help regulate her mood swings during her menstrual cycle.
I actually have an
I actually have an appointment today. I am not above asking for help. I just want her to be happy and healthy and know that she is loved by all of her parents. We all want her to succeed in life and we all want her back to herself.