GAL Presented his "Order"
I know a lot of people didn't believe me when I talked last about the GAL writing an order. The way it works in the county they are in (the slightly bigger county than BM's becasue hers is too small to even have a court system) is that the Judge doesn't write orders. Lawyers do and he signs them (it may be different if you represent yourself, IDK).
Our lawyer got a copy late last week of the order presented to the judge for his signature. Our lawyer said he has never seen the judge go against what a GAL writes. The GAL stipulates:
- Joint legal custody remain in place. Residential custody to remain at BM's.
- Since SS lives with BM primarily she makes major medical decisions, however she must keep DH informed of all appointments and anything going on- absolute transparency. DH is also allowed to be present for any medical appointments that is is able to be a part of. When SS is with us, DH is allowed to seek medical care for him.
- DH's parenting time shall be 4 weeks in summer, alternating Thanksgiving, 1/2 of winter break and every spring break. (This is what we asked for except we wanted 6-8 weeks in the summer, but overall not bad)
- DH's parenting time is to start immediately starting with spring break 2019
- DH should try to schedule visitation so that it doesn’t interfere with SS’s activities, however DH's parenting time will be the priority over any activities. Parenting time does not need to occur in SS’s state.
- DH should have regular contact with SS by text and phone
- DH should not drink alcohol around SS.
- IF SS should not "choose" to go with DH for any scheduled visitation "everyone in this case should understand the serious consequences of their actions". "This will be a clear signal that BM is allowing SS to make his own decisions and shows a lack of parental control"
- BM needs to not allow SS to have his way all the time. She needs to "set the tone and encourage the father/child relationship".
- All Communication between BM and DH should be via text and email for record keeping.
We aren't overjoyed by this but aren't disappointed either. There is a big chance, according to our lawyer that we won't even go back to court. We have asked to have a few things added that the GAL didn't but we feel is important, we are hoping that we can get these put in without having to go back to court, but are waiting to hear back. There is an e-mail chain going between our lawyer, BM's lawyer, GAL and Judge.
- BM will not name any one other than DH as Father on school, medical or other records.
- If alcohol upsets SS, the rule of none extend to both homes.
- Specific dates for Summer set in advance and clearly outlined so there is no confusion
- Holiday dates can be +/- 1 day based on flight travel costs (sometimes one day can be a savings of $200+!)
- No disparaging comments
- When DH is in SS state, that he will be allowed liberal visitation
We don't feel like a judge would stick his nose up to any of those requests, but we will see!
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Comments
Couple things.....
I think it all seems very reasonable. A couple things popped out at me: often clauses like 'no disparaging comments' are not really enforceable. You would have to take her to court for contempt, which costs $$ and rarely results in any action besides an admonishment from the judege. Also, specify which airports are to be used and appropriate flight times. I read of one case where the BM had the kids fly into an airport 3 hours away then expected BF to pick them up at 10 pm resulting a a very late night long drive.. Just for spite--not cost savings.
Also, look into using a program like Our Family Wizard. It is amazing and can be used for emails, there's a calendar, a journal feature and even a way to transfer money. The best thing is that is admissable in court. A judge or GAL can log in and read the actual emails and use them in the case. The calender is shared but transactions are recorded--so one parent cant delete something maliciously and claim they never saw it. The program costs about $100 for each parent for a year but there are fee waivers available. .
Definitely stipulate times
I have a friend who did not have times stipulated in their CO and her ex would show up at her house at 4 or 5am demanding to take their son because it was his visitation day. He was very aggressive so until she was able to get that changed, she got the kid up and sent him with dad.
The no drinking clause will be just like the no disparagement
Impossible to enforce.
I agree about designating the airports and who will pay for transportation. I had a friend who was repsonsible to pay for 1/2 of travel, except she didn't get to choose anything about the flights, so she got screwed over and over.
And Our Family Wizard is perfect for this situation. I would offer to pay BM's portion, if necessary. It has a calendar and messaging function, and professionals can log in to check to see how things are going. Kids can even have accounts.
The judge is unfamiliar with
The judge is unfamiliar with OFW and won't order it. We asked several times.
I agree there is no enforcement for disparaging remarks really, but we want it in there just for the sake of it. Who know's, maybe I will be able to record her saying things like "your stupid father wants to talk to you again" - might come in handy one day if that is in the agreement
With the airports- they live in such a rural area that there are only 2 within 6 hours and either airport only makes about a 15 min difference. We don't have much control over flight times since he has to fly unaccompanied minor unil 15/16 years old. They can only fly certain times and with the small airports, there aren't many options. However, since we are the ones who have to provide all transportation since BM doesn't work and can't afford it, we just do the best we can to be fair.
I know you guys wanted 6-8
I know you guys wanted 6-8 weeks during the summer. But tbh I think 4 is fair. I don't know how long summer is for you. Ours is only about two months. Psycho gets a month of it. Which sucks. We put in 100% of the work and would like to do fun things with them too... She's not going to do anything but ditch them with her brother, but we miss out on most of the summer. If she got 6 weeks it would be even more unbalanced. While your Bm seems fairly stupid, she does take care of the kid and probably wants some time during summer too.
Everything else though! Congratulations!!! This seems to be fairly in your favor!!! And it's AMAZING that you get this! Hopefully he makes it on the upcoming cruise!!!
It is 11 weeks for SS. I
It is 11 weeks for SS. I really think that 6 weeks would have been more than fair but we will take the 4.
6 weeks sounds more
6 weeks sounds more reasonable then. Or even 5. So I get that now. lol.
But congrats! This is a pretty good group of suggestions!
Questions
Who moved and who pays for transport? Is there an issue with excess drinking?
How old is SS, are there sports he is interested in? Is DH willing to accomodate them? I dont see a problem with the breaks, but what is the plan over summer
Phone calls -- schedule time and frequency
BM moved away. DH pays for
BM moved away. DH pays for transport becasue BM wont.
SS14, his little league was played in the summer and BM used that as an excuse to not send him often for summer visits or to only allow 2 weeks (over the last 5 years). SS is no longer in little league since he is going into high school.
No, there is no issue with excessive drinking. DH is certain career field where there can be no lapse in judgement and they are often screened for issues. He even turned over his reports stating that there are no issues with him. Along with no DUI's, domestic issues, etc. This was an alienation tactic for BM. She stated in SS's medical records that DH has substance abuse issues. She is a liar. The drinking isn't really an issue, except for the cruise we are going on- I mean everyone drinks on a cruise. But whatever, DH will deal. However, if he has that restriction, so should she.
UGGH
Not fair!!! I think the worst thing a parent can do is move away. I realize some in the miliatary have no choice, but a non-working parent should move. And the moving parent should pay
I get the issue with the
I get the issue with the sensitivity to alcohol consumption. I think it's burned into kids brains these days that it's a VERY BAD thing. The SDs both hate cigarettes so much that they equate the smoker to a bad person and both of them have asked us why we drink wine and/or beer - and it's phrased like we shouldn't be. This has also extended to coffee drinking. It's maddening to have to explain that cigarettes are legal and doesn't mean the person is bad, that drinking in moderation is fine and that adults get to choose what they ingest. So bugger off now....
And I totally get that. SS
And I totally get that. SS has never ever expressed an issue- until this crazy flip that happened back in late sept/oct. Even then we didn't hear about any feelings about alcohol until it was presented to the GAL and then showed up in SS's medical records.
DH will drink a beer with dinner some nights. He will drink a few (2-3) watching a football game. Not a big deal. He doesn't drive, he doesn't get loud or agressive or anything. He is totally normal LOL -- like I said, it was all a tactic for BM. Alimony got cut off, we got married, she got mad.
Oh, just note that BM has
Oh, just note that BM has never, ever smoked a cig in her life (you should have seen SDs faces when I said yes, I have tried them), doesn't drink at all that I know of and rarely drinks coffee (herbal tea is ok). Their exposure to real life is very scant.
I think the no alcohol thing
I think the no alcohol thing is absolutely ridiculous. There is no evidence of it being an issue, your DH is a grown ass man, and this is a child- your husband is doing nothing wrong by drinking socially. Unless there has been an issue with it, this should be a "sorry kid, you don't always get what you want" kind of thing. This gives SS way too much power- kids shouldn't get to dictate what their parents do, just because they are a COD. He just decides he doesn't like something and *poof*! It's written into the CO. What's next, SS doesn't like vegetables, so he will only come if DH agrees to not feed him vegetables? I agree that if DH can't do it then it should absolutely be written that BM can't as well, although really it shouldn't even be written in the CO at all.
So weird about OFW- is this judge in some podunk town? It's such a great tool, and I actually think it would be interesting to put it on SS's phone and have all communication go through it with him too (you can set up each kid as a user). The judge could see exactly what your DH is writing him, and all of SS's responses, or lack of responses...
Completely agree. No beer is
Completely agree. No beer is stupid. However, it's like 6 weeks a year. If this is what the GAL wants to get it done, whatever. If we were drunks, we would probably care more! Lol. The cruise does piss us off though! Cruising and umbrella drinks are just a thing darn it!
Calling this town podunk is giving it A LOT of credit. Though, I think there are like 4 stoplights in this town. SS's doesn't even have a yellow blinky light!
What does GAL order really change
If SS refuses to go to DH house. I see nothing different between before and after order except it is in wrighting. I really don’t see this changing anything. I don’t see anything forcing SS to do visits
Number 3 great to have time spelled out. But SS is not coming now. How does this really change anything.
Number 5. About not interfering with SS activity’s SS can schedule activity’s over the summer. Summer school, sports, ? So if SS fails school and has to do summer school, what can you do. Say SS you must repeat last years grade because you can not go to summer schoool. Or if school said, SD should take a certain subject in the summer school because *****( ? But you can fly to SS state and pay for hotels and see SS ?
Number 8. Serious consequences, like what ? More smoke and mirrors. No internet for 10 hours ? Number 9. BM should not let SS have his way all the time ? again smoke and mirrors sounds nice but means nothing.
SS is upset that his father remarried and moved away from him. And he going to make his father pay for that. What you are doing is playing into his hand. He keeping you and your family from going on the cruise and having fun. That what he wants for you to suffer and he’s is winning. DH is begging and groveling to him.
SS is upset becasue BM
SS is upset becasue BM brainwashed him after SHE moved away when my DH was deployed. Then she shacked up with her boyfriend and tried to have him play daddy. That didn't work out so she moved on to the next guy who she is listing as father on all of SS's documents. This all started 3 years before DH and I even started dating. BM is pissed that she can't change her mind now and have DH take her back. So she decided to try and take his kid from him.
DH couldn't just up and move and follow them to the midwest... he is Navy (ya kinda need an ocean).
The GAL, according to our lawyer, isn't convinced that custody should remain with BM. However, he isn't ready to uproot SS if BM can act like a parent. So, IMHO what the GAL is issuing is a warning that while SS lives with her now, if she can't parent and coparent, she might have her role flipped and DH take residential custody. Which quite frankly I do NOT want to happen. She has made a monster and she should have to deal with it.
Even though she isn’t working
(which isn’t your problem), still push for she is responsible for driving ss to bio dad or cost of flights and hubby is responsible for cost of flights to fly ss back to bio mum or drive him.
This is just typical laziness and guilting manipulating and forcing your husband to handle these costs. Remember this is a narcissists typical behaviour they will not want to drive their kids and waste money, they will happily force exhusband too by threatening that they will tell the kids that daddy doesn’t want to drive and pick you up because you aren’t important when reality is a court order exists stating she is responsible for transporting ss to dad and dad is responsible for return trip only
I agree! However, she would
I agree! However, she would never pay anyway. Well... maybe she would if she had to pay his flight home! But if we only booked one way she probably wouldn't send him!
My exH (kids dad) moved across the country. The deal we have is he pays the flights and I pay the unaccompanied minor fee ($300). He pays more, since there are 2 kids and flights it is more than double sometimes, but he also makes substantially more than me and he is the one who moved. We try and keep it as fair as possible. However... I am not a crazy money grubbing C***.
Joint legal custody
isn't worth the paper it's written on. You can be assured that BM and SS will see this merely as a "serving suggestion" whilst holding DH' feet to the fire.
This reads more like a list
This reads more like a list for modification a lawyer would send as a 4pm email dump on Friday,,,verses a well healed GAL report...sorry ORDER.
Your GAL failed to include any mention about counseling. Why is that?
IF ss14 is in counseling your GAL must include 'child will continue all counseling until released by counselor. A letter on professional letter head, authorizing child release by counselor must be mailed to both Fathers and Mothers attorneys within 30days of release from care. The counselor will make telephonic contact with Father providing verble notice of release within seven days of childs last appointment with counselor. By notifiy father directly it will benifit the child short and long term.
About no drinking? The GAL statement is vague. Your attorney should have crossed that out unless GAL suspected DH has a drinking problem. Even then your GAL comment is TOOOOO vague. Why does GAL write this, What does the GAL have to back up such intrusion. Sounds like a mediaton request...which bring me to this,
How many times has your GAL visited your home?...IF your GAL has never visited your home or met with dh in person the entire report may be greatly scrutinized.
UNLESS:
A GAL from your community who is a authorized GAL, willing to make visits on behalf of your GAL to your home to question dh AND report to your GAL their findings. GALS do this all the time...
Someones lawyer should rip this 'thing' to smithereens or at least several pieces.
Bottom line is THIS Does not reflect GAL findings and recommendations. Should be child centered NOT mom or dad focused.
Hope it works out for your DH.
I hope it works out for you.
I hope it works out for you. We always found that BM could violate everything with impunity. It always sounded so good to us at the beginning and then she would just do as she pleased and no one held her accountable
Hope you have a happier ending.
I am really hoping the Writ
I am really hoping the Writ of Assistance that we are doing is going to nip that behavior. When the cops show up and escort SS out of the damn house it should show both of them that there is an order and we aren't playing games anymore.
What happens if she’s not
What happens if she’s not home? BM here was super clever about that stuff. She once caused us to miss a vacation with SS because she was supposedly unable to return from where she had taken him.
All BM has to do is not be home and claim her car broke down or something. Or have SS not be home. Always worked for BM here. Will she get any consequences if SS isn’t on that cruise?
A warrant will be issued for
A warrant will be issued for her arrest for custodial interference. SS walks home from school so there is no excuse. She will have done it purposefully if she isn't there. She will also know about the whole thing in advance.
If she cooperates and just has SS go out to MIL's car, this won't be a big deal. It will only be an issue if she refuses or disappears. The police will just be there in case there is an issue. Essentially the writ takes it from a civil matter to a criminal. The sherriff in town is actually who told me to do this!
Well, that’s good! Hopefully
Well, that’s good! Hopefully she can’t evade that. Though our BM would try!
Things I'd add
2. Your dh wants to know about all appointments BEFORE they happen.
3. Dates for vacation must be set by "given dates", e.g. dates for summer vacation must be set by 1st April.
Thank you! Before they happen
Thank you! Before they happen-- very good!
I am afraid that if we don't have standard dates like "July1 - Aug1" she will come us with activities for him to do that will disrupt that and make us look like the bad guy for not letting him do something. She tried that last year, the judge set specific dates for that summer in another hearing. She wanted him to come back after 2 weeks so he could see Imagine Dragons with her. DH said no, but if he wants to see them, he can come out one week earlier and see them with us, we will even spring for front row! There are still some availible. -- BM was pissed and said no, he just has to miss out because of you!
I am shocked of how little
I am shocked of how little your GAL sounds like a real GAL.
Everytime dh's x failed to follow the court order your "GAL" was required to file a motion with the court.
Just saying.
I think every state is
I think every state is different. Here it’s not a GAL, it’s an attorney for the child. Laws vary.
I am curious about what you
I am curious about what you mean. This is my 1st experience with a GAL. He was assigned at the end of November so all of this is fairly recent. Is there something more that we should have experienced?