I agree with the other posters above. You need to have some serious counseling because your reaction to his daughter is extreme and from your description mostly unjustified. Clearly with this kind of emotional baggage, being with someone with children is triggering to you in some way and you probably should have made that a non-negotiable before you entered this relationship.
I can see the conflict in you that by your accounts.. she isn't a bad kid.. it's just that every bit about her existance enrages you.. in unreasonable ways. If I were your SO, I would leave you if I knew the depth of your feelings.. or at the very least insist on some intensive counseling.
Steplife is not for everyone.. and while you think he is the "one".. there is likely another "one" out there without the kids that you can't handle.
I don't know if this would help you or not, but I have started doing things without DH or SS (in my case) and it has improved the boundaries DH sets for himself and SS.
For example, there are things that should be couple time, family time, adult friend time, and alone time. DH always thought SS should be included in everything. EVERYTHING! Our adult frineds stopped inviting us - who whats a kid tagging along when they all got sitters. And every event planned for him and I ended up being a family outing because, "SS would love this".
So as I started disengaging from SS (something I recommend to you) I started defining the 'type' of plans. If DH doesn't make arrangements for SS then neither go.
Recently I went on a 'romantic' weekend to a resort town without him because he didn't make plans for SS. His reasoning was "SS loves it there and the place has a pull out couch". Instead of taking him, I called my best friend and she met me there. We had a great time. DH didn't. He had to sit around with 12 yo and deal with crazy BM. When he called, I didn't answer. I was having fun and didn't need to hear about anything going on at home.
I've done this several times and he is starting to realize that I will not stop living the life I want in order to include his brat child in everything. I told "Either I am first in your life, or you will be last in mine." He has taken the hint and been doing better with boundaries here lately.
I just wanted to come back to this.. and in case the OP is even reading these to share a few thoughts here.
So often here, we see bad steplife situations and while the posters blame the kids or the EX.. it is often their own spouse that is causing the issues.. and most people really have a Partner Problem.. I don't think that is what is happening here though. Clearly, OP, you have had a pattern of failure in steplife situations... you, yourself have even wondered if your own chaotic upbringing may have factored into your mental makeup and made steplife especially problematic.
That, in fact, may be true. But, the solution that most people would suggest is counseling. But, you have tried that, at least once and it seems like you were not prepared to truly participate or accept what the therapist was seeing. Now, all therapists are NOT the same... but I don't know that you will get better results if you find one that will agree or just tell you what you want to hear.
The truth may be that your bitterness and bile is a cancer and while it may not kill your relationship immediately, certainly, it is going to have long term negative impacts on YOUR life, your partner's life and his family, including his daughter who really doesn't deserve to be in a situation where she is hated just simply for existing. Her dad is going to resent the fact that he has to protect and hide things from her.. and that he can't be open with you. Is that what you want to hear? maybe not, but it may well be your reality and your future if YOU don't have a monumental change of heart/mind. Even coming to a point of INDIFFERENCE would be better than where you are currently sitting.
If you want to save your relationship and if you want a chance to not feel miserable 24/7, you should try counseling again.. with the real focus where it belongs... you. How can they help you get to a point of at least acceptance and disengagement? How can they help to heal the wounds you carry inside you..because honestly, you must be punishing yourself to keep entering into these relationships that you KNOW are not a good idea for you... almost like it allows you to have some layer of protection from truly being IN the relationship or something... But, holding all that hatred in your heart is a cancer to you, to your relationship and is not healthy.. mentally or physically.
Comments
Please seek a therpist today.
Please seek a therapist today. Tell them it is urgent.
For the life of me, I can't
For the life of me, I can't understand why you keep having relationships with men who have children, when this is obviously a problem for you.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters above. You need to have some serious counseling because your reaction to his daughter is extreme and from your description mostly unjustified. Clearly with this kind of emotional baggage, being with someone with children is triggering to you in some way and you probably should have made that a non-negotiable before you entered this relationship.
I can see the conflict in you that by your accounts.. she isn't a bad kid.. it's just that every bit about her existance enrages you.. in unreasonable ways. If I were your SO, I would leave you if I knew the depth of your feelings.. or at the very least insist on some intensive counseling.
Steplife is not for everyone.. and while you think he is the "one".. there is likely another "one" out there without the kids that you can't handle.
I don't know if this would
I don't know if this would help you or not, but I have started doing things without DH or SS (in my case) and it has improved the boundaries DH sets for himself and SS.
For example, there are things that should be couple time, family time, adult friend time, and alone time. DH always thought SS should be included in everything. EVERYTHING! Our adult frineds stopped inviting us - who whats a kid tagging along when they all got sitters. And every event planned for him and I ended up being a family outing because, "SS would love this".
So as I started disengaging from SS (something I recommend to you) I started defining the 'type' of plans. If DH doesn't make arrangements for SS then neither go.
Recently I went on a 'romantic' weekend to a resort town without him because he didn't make plans for SS. His reasoning was "SS loves it there and the place has a pull out couch". Instead of taking him, I called my best friend and she met me there. We had a great time. DH didn't. He had to sit around with 12 yo and deal with crazy BM. When he called, I didn't answer. I was having fun and didn't need to hear about anything going on at home.
I've done this several times and he is starting to realize that I will not stop living the life I want in order to include his brat child in everything. I told "Either I am first in your life, or you will be last in mine." He has taken the hint and been doing better with boundaries here lately.
I just wanted to come back to
I just wanted to come back to this.. and in case the OP is even reading these to share a few thoughts here.
So often here, we see bad steplife situations and while the posters blame the kids or the EX.. it is often their own spouse that is causing the issues.. and most people really have a Partner Problem.. I don't think that is what is happening here though. Clearly, OP, you have had a pattern of failure in steplife situations... you, yourself have even wondered if your own chaotic upbringing may have factored into your mental makeup and made steplife especially problematic.
That, in fact, may be true. But, the solution that most people would suggest is counseling. But, you have tried that, at least once and it seems like you were not prepared to truly participate or accept what the therapist was seeing. Now, all therapists are NOT the same... but I don't know that you will get better results if you find one that will agree or just tell you what you want to hear.
The truth may be that your bitterness and bile is a cancer and while it may not kill your relationship immediately, certainly, it is going to have long term negative impacts on YOUR life, your partner's life and his family, including his daughter who really doesn't deserve to be in a situation where she is hated just simply for existing. Her dad is going to resent the fact that he has to protect and hide things from her.. and that he can't be open with you. Is that what you want to hear? maybe not, but it may well be your reality and your future if YOU don't have a monumental change of heart/mind. Even coming to a point of INDIFFERENCE would be better than where you are currently sitting.
If you want to save your relationship and if you want a chance to not feel miserable 24/7, you should try counseling again.. with the real focus where it belongs... you. How can they help you get to a point of at least acceptance and disengagement? How can they help to heal the wounds you carry inside you..because honestly, you must be punishing yourself to keep entering into these relationships that you KNOW are not a good idea for you... almost like it allows you to have some layer of protection from truly being IN the relationship or something... But, holding all that hatred in your heart is a cancer to you, to your relationship and is not healthy.. mentally or physically.