what is an appropriate relationship for DH to have with his (ever increasing number) of FORMER step-children....?
Here's the facts:
DH marries wife #1 when he's 18. When we met, he told me the relationship lasted less than a year, and that she had a son from a previous relationship. This marriage ended in 1994 (roughly 18 years ago). And I have literally never heard anything more about that relationship EVER. It was like it was short, sweet, over and done, so long ago it didn't really have much effect in the present.
DH then married wife #2, who at the time, had one child from a previous relationship. DH cared for his SD as his own, and a few years later he and wifey had precious little Junior (now my SS12). The marriage lasted for about 5 years after the arrival of the little prince before she (wife #2)had an affair that resulted in a pregnancy. The marriage ended.
ENTER ME! Wife #3-TA DA! DH has primary custody of his son. Early on he kept pictures of his FORMER step daughter up in the house, in shoeboxes in the basement, kept her on his FB, etc...ALWAYS referring to her as his "Step daughter" (as opposed to FORMER or EX step daughter). She has recently had a baby and he's made sure to drop off the SS to his mother while the FORMER SD is there with the baby a time or two...but I overlooked it. He also likes to refer to the child conceived during his marriage, that isn't HIS as SS's "sister" (I like to correct that it is his HALF-SISTER). DH is constantly remarking about her...he feels sorry for her, she's so cute, blah blah this...blah blah that...she's so precious! (Hello dumb@ss that child is NOT yours and was conceived while you were still married to her mother!!!)
Very, VERY, V E R Y long story short. Wife #1 has recently resurfaced and asked DH to "talk to her son" bc he is in trouble (drugs, depressed, etc etc). This came totally out of the blue. and what does DH do??? Runs right to the rescue and is texting and calling both his FORMER SS and his ex wife constantly!!! he hasn't seen this kid since he was 4!!
He wants to act like he deserves an effing medal for being STEP DAD of the YEAR to every stray kid on the street! of course this is even harder for me to fathom since I can't being under the same roof as my SS....anyways...i digress.
Can someone...anyone comment.
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Comments
I would have a hard time if
I would have a hard time if my DH and I broke up loosing my stepsons from my life. I know that when my parents divorced 25+ years ago still wants to know how my cousins on my dad's side are. But- that is the tough reality of divorce.
As far as the half sister thing? DH and I have a son together and I think if anyone refered to our son as a half brother my stepsons would be offended.
I can understand why it is hard for you and your DH needs to keep a distance from the former stepchildren.
I think youre right about the
I think youre right about the whole step dad of the year thing.
IMO he needs the ego boost of thinking hes saving these kids because no one else can,in his mind anyway.
Its one thing to have some contact with kids from your past that arent even relatives but he has a new wife he should be concentrating on.
My BF does the same thing in certain ways,not with others kids but if someone in town asks him to come help with their vehicle repair or some plumbing issue he runs right over.Even if we are in the middle of something.
It says to me that A)he wants to avoid whatever it is hes doing and B)he wants to be the one that solved a problem others couldnt.
Of course I could just be talking out of my ass.
Sounds like you've got a good
Sounds like you've got a good man there.
Why do YOU insist on adding "half" to sister? On adding "former" to stepdaughter?
Why does it bother you so?
Here's my story: I have SD from my first marriage. We split. She and I were then and are still close. Her parents are, well... she lived with me while she finished high school. She moved out, trying to be on her own, and I met my now DH. We married and moved in together. She came to live with us. My DH is a good, kind man, who took her in knowing she was my "former SD."
She is 22 now and living on her own. She visits us frequently, and we have taken her with us on family vacations twice in the last 2 years now.
She even considers MY DH her "stepfather" now.
Weird?
Maybe.
But it's my family. My DH accepts her. She is my bios' sister. Not "half" sister, but sister.
Just two days ago, I spent 1 1/2 hours on Skype with her, and then my DS17 spent 2 1/2 hours on Skype with her.
I think you should just allow yourself to be open to these children who were a part of your DH's life. It doesn't mean you're any less important or anything.
If my DH expected my "former sd" to be gone and out of my life...well, he wouldn't be my DH.
if i have to be "step
if i have to be "step mom"...why are half-siblings not referred to as just what they are "half" siblings? please don't get me wrong...i don't really care for the idea of ss calling me "mom" but it's principle to me! it leads people to believe DH has more children than he actually does.
im already taking care of SS...why am i expected to ooh and coo over some kid that isn't mine...or my husbands, but is IN FACT his EX wife's kid???
i didn't was trying to save ya'll some of the details but maybe they're important. in regards to the "new" step kid that just showed up (via ex wife #1) has my DH's last name (I DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!). Lives 3 states away and hasn't seen or spoken to my DH in years. Our marriage is very very unstable right now and he suggests we move this boy in with us!!!!!
If this child has DH's last
If this child has DH's last name, I think there's more to the story than you're aware of.
And it doesn't matter that you're called "step"mom. This isn't about you.
This is about kids whose parents can't seem to get their shit together. They're the innocent victims in the death of a relationship (usually.)
I'm ALL about the "half". It
I'm ALL about the "half". It denotes the correct genetic relationship...but that's just the scientist in me I guess...Sheldon Cooper would never call a half-sibling a "sibling" - preposterous! LOL!
My SO married BM when
My SO married BM when SS13(now) was 3. He raised him as his own. SS13 knows that my SO is not his father (SO is white and SS is black) no hiding that but he calls SO dad and acts no different than his son. I would have had second thoughts about my SO if he had wanted to "drop" him because he wasn't blood. Then again it could come from the type of family I was raised in. My mother had 2 kids with another man and my father had two children with another woman..I have one FULL sister, not that it really matters I don't consider any of them to be "half" because I don't share a parent with them.
Have you thought about how you would feel if he started treating this child different? I don't know if she calls him dad but they obviously have bonded in some way. Why do you care?
Be careful using "bastard"
Be careful using "bastard" around here. I think that covers about half of posters' children on here.
you have made all of my
you have made all of my points wonderfully and i agree with dropping the "half" argument.
True, a lot depends on the
True, a lot depends on the family dynamics, but this is a kid who was in this your husband's life for one year (when he was 3-4) according to what you wrote. You don't know what kind of life this kid has had or what problems he may have. I wouldn't want to bring this unknown into my or my kid's lives.
What does your husband really know about him?
Edited to add: I just read your blog again and realize that you do mention he is troubled. All the more reason to not bring him into your home. Doesn't this kids mom have anyone who HAS been in her son's life all these years who can mentor him?
I personally would stand firm on not having him move in!
Reverse the situation. How
Reverse the situation. How many husband's would be agreeable to their wife doing this. Anyone out there have a husband who would actually be saying " Honey, how wonderful, I can't wait to have your ex lover from 18 years ago and his child from an even earlier relationship with someone else become part of our lives."
My how fast a man sees
My how fast a man sees through the intentions of a male ex taking the liberty of initiating contact and inviting theirself into THEIR wife's life. Where is all the how wonderful the wife must be to show concern, take an interest, and save the day for this guy and his child. You mean to say your husband would not be inviting this situation into his life with open arms??? I know mine would not. He would also have the same attitude as yours.
Of course I have to add that my DH has attempted to bring back past "skeletons from the closet" and use the excuse they were ex family members. It is all about boundries and choosing which family you are part of. Initiating contact after 18 years, with someone who is married was just plain tacky.
Unfortunately, a trait that
Unfortunately, a trait that many men have is to go off and help other people outside thier immediate household. The tough and thankless work is at home- but oh how they get praise and kudos for being a Savior! All men succumb to this, at some time or another. It's patently ridiculous for your DH to even think of this kid coming to live with you.
i love all you're comments,
i love all you're comments, perspectives, thoughts and opinions
keep 'em coming!
...and thanks for the POV of the hubs. i also agree that there is undertones of the ex wife wanting rescued--not so much that its her son that needs or wants the help, but this is her way of looking like a damsel in distress and looking for her rescuer in the WRONG PLACE!