SO GLAD I didn't answer the phone
SD62 called this morning, wanted $40, allegedly for cat food and litter. DH 86 said no but he'd have it tomorrow when he gets his allowance. Flash forward to this afternoon when her daughter M, called me. I decided not to answer so she called DH. She was incensed because SD62 showed up in an incoherent form at her brother, K's work. K is manager of an upscale restaurant. She was asking for the wrong name, her brother, T, who lives out of town. She wanted $60. Apparently it was a bad situation and security escorted her out. She sped off, hitting an officer's car. The police were involved tho they let her go
M was very angry for her brother. I'm so glad I didn't answer the phone. DH, as usual, lied for SD. He told M that SD had been here this morning (lie,l and looked good and he'd been the one to suggest she ask K for $ since he's her son. He has suggested that formerly but not today. M said SD seemed to be on drugs and that's probably what she wanted $ for. DH said, no, she needed $ for prescriptions (lie). He further elaborated that M and K should help her (I don't disagree) since no matter what, she's their mother.
So, stay tuned, I'm sure this isn't over. But in any case, thank God for called ID
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Not answering the phone was
Not answering the phone was wise. If I answer it, I try to quickly hand the phone to DH.
If DH has memory issues, does he even remember what he told her this morning. Short term memory goes first. Long term memory stays longer. So what he previously told her may be what he remembers.
I think he remembers
I think he remembers hos convo with SD this morning. He was just quick to spin a good story for his granddaughter, M.
I'm so glad I didn't answer. I've been very careful to keep my relationship with M on a person-to-person basis, with no commentary about SD. But, she might not have realized how DH feels that she and her brother should be starting to shoulder the SD burden. So, by talking directly with him, she got his unvarnished opinion in person. She was crying by the end. He didnt raise his voice or get nasty but said they, as her kids, should be starting to take care of her. I'm sure its the last thing she wants in her life, working as a teacher full time with 2 little kids. But someday, it will be in her and her brother's lap.
Honestly, they don't really
Honestly, they don't really have to take care of her. She can become a ward of the state if she's that much of a mess. And she can go to jail for all of her shenanigans. That's one way the state can take care of her. As a rational, healthy adult, I would NEVER expect my children to be burdened with me if I were a drug addict, drunk or mentally unstable. But your husband also should not have to take care of her.
Nope. Kids have no duty in
Nope. Kids have no duty in our culture to care for their parents. This is not a breed your retirement culture.
Her kids need to put SD62's issues firmly on SD62. As should her father.
We were raised with the clear message that mom and dad would not be a burden on my brother and me. We would both be there for them in an instant and have been when there is a crisis.
That mom and dad made sure to not need our support, is the example any and all parents should follow.
We are the only of my IL's child/spuuse pairs with the ability to help. I would help in a very structured controlling format. DW... won't help at all. She is adamant that to help is just throwing good money after bad. Helping just lets them do something stupid with the money that our helping frees up for them to use in a stupid manner.
We presented the clear model for helping. Direct deposit of all their pay into an account controlled by my CPA DW. So, buy a house for their use, they pay us out of their wages, we pay off the house, when they are at the point of transitioning to assisted living we sell the house and the resources from the sale are used for their support. All bills are directly paid by DW. Food is direct paid and delivered and the foods are fully in compliance with their Doctor stipulated food restrictions. They don't get what they want, the get what they are told to eat by their Docs. DW would direct pay their utilities, etc... DW would allocate to each of them a small allowance.
Nope, too controlling. We are mean. "Just give us money.".
FIL passed, DW set her aunt up with a financial advisor. After DW went to meet with the advisor with her Aunt and aunt had great things to say, MIL decided she wanted to meet with the advisor too. Tears, blubbering, lamentations over the failed dreams, whaaaaaaaaaaa. Financial advisor told MIL he would work with her under the condition that.... (See all of the above). So, all of her pay goes into her umbrella account, part of it goes into an IRA, the advisor direct pays her mortgage, all of her utility bills, pays her grocery account, and provides hera small allowance. Financial advisor is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He is wonderful, etc, etc, etc.... "He let me buy a new car!" (a 12yr old "new" car). No, he took all of your casino "win your retirement money" away from you and has been investing it for 6 yrs so there was money for you to live on and replace your car, etc.....
MIL now has adequate resources to live on until she retires though she is not listening to the financial advisor who has always told her she cannot retire. Ever. MIL is hell bent on retiring at 74. She turns 70 in a few months.
IMHO children and parents of people like SD-62 need to take a zero money/support hands off approach and let these types live their reality as earned. No one should jeopardize their own financial well being for someone who his hell bent on going down the crapper.
Nobody should be giving her
Nobody should be giving her any cash. If she needs cat food, they should give her cat food. Can't be trusted with money. What a nightmare of a SD.
I agree and so does everybody else except.....
DH.
Sorry to sound harsh but
Can't someone put SD out of her misery? I'm amazed at this point that she hasn't Darwin awarded herself.
I don't think they should give her money either
My mom is in her 60's and is a TRAINWRECK. My crazy just kicked her out of her condo so my mom went back to her own house two days ago and is for 1 millionth time threatening suicide over it. When I last posted, I had removed 35 animals from the hoarding situation that was my mom's house. She was able to get four dogs back from one day by threatening her and she bred them so the four became nine and she got one parrot back from another lady. So she's back up to 9 dogs and one parrot and she was staying with my aunt since October when she went on another alcoholic binge and she had a sewage blockage in her home. Apparantly she believes it is my responsbility to fix her stoppage and the giant holes in her siding and the rat infestation and the water leaking from the walls. She got an estimate of like $75k. So my aunt said the home owner's association was going to do inspections and the 9 dogs and the parrot had to go by April when the inspection is scheduled. So my mom packed up right then and there and was gone with two hours back to her house with the stoppage. The plumber is supposed to come today. But it's been non stop texts to my brother and I on how our mother is our responsbility and she is suicidial againa nd we need to do all of these things. I said no. Ifs he kills herself, then she kills herself. It's a threat she uses all the time and has for decades. We have definitely been through this so much that we are numb to it. We both have kids and we are not putting our kids in the path of her toxicity and we aren't bringing a mass amount of animals into our nice homes. WE are not emptying our savings anymore. WE have lost so much money down that bottomless hole. But I hear that all the time to, "well she's your mother!! You owe her." A therapist told me a life guard's job is not to swim out into the ocean and grab the drowning person. He said the lifeguard will drown to. It isn't the life guard's job to save the drowning person from all their problems. The lifeguard is to throw a raft and the person needs to participate in their own rescue and not drown the lifeguard. My mom refuses to grab the raft. Your SD61 refuses to grab the raft. WE all don't need to drown with her. If she drowns, then she drowns. My mom won't go to AA meetings. She left rehab after three weeks against orders. She won't go to therapy. She just got off her anti depressants and only got back on them on Tuesday. It's exhausting. I know you are exhausted and I hope your husband will learn to just throw her a raft now and again but he can't drown with her and neither can her children. She has to participate in her own rescue and do the work
Good analogy
I like the raft analogy. I feel sorry for her kids. They've tried to distance themselves from her toxicity. DH is 86 and sees his "savior" days ending but would like to pass the baton.
I feel for you dealing with your mom. You've been thru it.
“He further elaborated that M
“He further elaborated that M and K should help her (I don't disagree) since no matter what, she's their mother.”
No she’s a junkie who uses people to get money to get her fix. They don’t owe that woman anything just because she chose to procreate. They are smart to not perpetuate the toxic generational culture of “but it’s family.” That excuse doesn’t fly anymore, you can be my family but if all you do is destroy my life why the hell should I continue to keep you in it?
They've tried
They've tried to keep their distance and their father has been supportive. DH and I just want it all to stop, or I do, anyway. DH would be ok with the status quo as long as she didn't keep having these episodes
I was in a relationship with
I was in a relationship with someone and found out he was a coke head.
I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to quit and asked for my help. I helped by researching places that worked with drug addiction. He started going to meetings and was clean. For about 2 months. I asked if it was a relapse. No, he decided he preferred to keep snorting coke. I ended the relationship.
When it comes to a loved one, I believe it's equally difficult to 1) continue to help knowing they're intentionally on a destructive path, or 2) cut them off knowing you'll never know if they're alive and well and resentful or deceased.
If you decide to allow them in your life, never give them money. Give them what they claim to need: cat food, people food, pay the electric bill. But never give money.
"To allow them in your life"
SD is in our life, I've accepted that and DH will do what he does. Her kids are going to have tough decisions.
Yes, I understand. It was
Yes, I understand. It was meant as a generalization.
I am sure the police know her.
Don't want to deal with her. And are handing her off to social services. Everyone knows SD62 needs help. She is off her meds, or is taking street drugs. Or both. If DH can afford giving his SD $100 a month isn't no big deal. If he can not then that's life. He's to old to work as in a job. The money train has stopped