Sick of biting my tongue
SS9 had a ridiculous freak out at school yesterday. He was in and out of the nurses office starting at 11:30 gagging and crying. They finally gave up and called me to come get him at 2:30. This is a repeat behavior for him to the point that his teachers and the nurse no longer believe he is actually ill, that’s why they didn’t call right away. Yesterday was the sixth time this school year I’ve had to go get him on a Monday for the same hysterical crying and vomiting/gagging routine. I made a rule for him that whenever this happens he comes home and does nothing but lay in bed with a book. No electronics, no tv, no snacks, no playing with his twin baby brothers, etc. The idea is to make home as boring as possible so it won’t be worth it to try and get out of school.
Anyway BM finally showed up to get SS9 (Monday is her custody day and her off day but she finds excuses to be unavailable) and I told her that SS was perfectly fine and not sick, he just had another “case of the Mondays.” She rolled her eyes in agreement and said thanks for picking him up and then they left.
So today the kids come walking in from school and the first thing SS9 does is pull some brand new legos out of his backpack and said “hey look what my mom got me yesterday.” I said “oh that’s nice,” and he said, “yeah, she took me to the mall since I had a bad day.”
Oh my goodness the things I wanted to say to him (and to BM). There is so much wrong with the whole picture. My DH isn’t much better than BM btw but he at least wouldn’t go reward SS with a new Lego set.
Oh and the kicker is I’m 99% sure he wanted out of school this time bc he didn’t finish his homework that was past due and BM told me he lied to her and said he did finish it. So she basically rewarded him for lying on top of everything else.
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So I am going to only focus
So I am going to only focus on the faking sick part.
When I was a kid, I was super socially awkward (still am, but have learned to navigate it much better). I didn't pick up on social cues, was super shy, and had a hard time making friends. Add that I was overweight, went to a fairly affluent school with middle class parents who couldn't afford all the newest clothes and whatnot, and had a really hard time learning to read (made reading in class an even more anxiety-ridden activity), and I was just a ball of nerves.
However, as a kif and even a young teen, I didn't know how to verbalize how I felt. I didn't want to go to school because it made me feel weird, but since my parents had a strict "unless your vomitting or have a fever" rule, I could never take a mental health day (not that I knew how to ask for one). So I fake physical symptoms to get out of school.
Elementary school was much like you describe, but by the time middle scho hit, I had perfected how to get out of school. I got bullied, my self-esteem was non-existent, I wanted to disappear (though about my funeral a lot and wondered if anyone would show or care), and I had few friends. I would lie for attention because I was lonely, but then I'd get caught in the lies and it would make everything worse. I just didn't know how to tell my parents how I felt (anxious and depressed...still deal with it now), so I kept manifesting it physically to avoid whatever school situation I didn't like.
The only thing that saved me in middle school was going to a church that didn't care about how I looked or my social awkwardness. However, I know that the massive change in atmosphere and peers, and a supportive environment with lots of adults with even minimal counseling backgrounds, isn't readily available. I got lucky that other adults noticed and pulled me into groups with other like-minded kids (I didn't want to be "bad", I just didn't want to feel so alone). While that church wasn't healthy for me long term, it may have saved me from either killing myself or being a hooligan.
I guess I am saying to maybe take SS to see a therapist, or get him enrolled in an activity where other adults can help nurture him. Sure, he could just be pure evil, but I think he is young enough that you could probably figure out the issue and either correct it or find better coping mechanisms.
Just My two cents. You know your SS better than I do, but if he has any developmental delays, has complained about bullying, lies about friends, etc., it may be worth having someone talk to him and see if they can interpret his actions.
I had a really bad stint in
I had a really bad stint in Junior High in a private all girl's school. I was the youngest in my class plus looked young for my age anyway and didn't fit in with their fancy clothes etc.. (it was back in the day where sperry topsiders were IT and those little purses with the button on covers.). My mom sewed some of my clothes and I got offbrand things not the brands everyone else had. Looking back and now I am not quite so worried about what others think and am not a slave to the latest brand but in the moment as an awkward 12-14 yo those were horrible years. I did used to try to complain and fake sick because I couldn't stand going to school where I didn't fit in anywhere. Staying home in bed was preferable to the anxiety I felt in school. I begged my parents to let me go to public school for 3 years. The problem was the public schools in my area were rough (the local high school made news at the time over a hit list that was discovered.. tame now compared to columbine but still a pretty rough place).
Things turned around when we moved overseas and I fit in much better with a group of more normal kids from diverse backgrounds.
I would agree that it is important to find out what he is avoiding. If it's difficult work maybe a tutor would help him come up to speed..etc..
Could he have problems with
Could he have problems with anxiety and it IS making him sick?
I don't think the sickness
I don't think the sickness was the issue here- I think it was BM's behaviour.I get the OP is pissed off that the child is getting treats for missing school. If the child has anxiety issues that is another matter- but they won't be solved by buying lego either. Reminds me of XOSD's behaviour- just buy stuff and it makes the world right, right?
I definitely got irritated
I definitely got irritated about BM buying him Legos. She pretends to be on the same page as me about all of it when she clearly isn’t, and also avoids actually being the one to speak to the nurse and go pick him when this occurs. We technically shouldn’t even see SS on Mondays bc that’s her day. I could just tell the nurse next time here’s the number—call his mom but I have other kids in the same school and the office only knows me as SS’s parent bc I handle all the school stuff.
He definitely does suffer
He definitely does suffer from anxiety which neither my husband nor BM will do anything about. I’ve gone round and round with it for years. However, I’m not sure that it causes him to gag trying to make himself throw up bc that’s a behavior he only does at school and he gets upset and nervous and dreads things in other settings as well. I think it’s more that he realized it works to get out of school so it’s his go-to strategy, so much that the nurse and teachers only call me when he gets too annoying that they can’t take it anymore.
Good grief! The stupid! It
Good grief! The stupid! It burns!
BM2 did this a couple of times with DH and SS19..... SS19 has had a chronic problem of missing school since about the 5th grade. One time in 6th grade or so, he called DH and told him he was home from school and was bored and did DH want to do something? DH went and got him from BMs and took him to lunch??!!! WTF?? There was another time when SS was in maybe 9th or 10th grade, that BM2 called DH and said that SS was home from school and did DH want to do lunch with him or something.... WTH again??
Needless to day, SS19 is now a high school drop out, with no education, no job, no driver's license.. NOTHING. apparently he is content to sit at BMs and sleep all day and play video games and smoke dope all night. The best part is, for 3 of SS high school years, BM2 lived 3 block from the high school and he STILL didn't go to school and for some reason, she couldn't be bothered to make him? Again with the stupid.