Whoa, I would be livid with your DH...he successfully reduced your role as his wife to equal that of his children and cemented it in place by overruling your demand that SD move out by letting her stay.

You are worried about boundaries for SD but the bigger question is why is she still there, especially after the way she talked to you? She may be an ass but you have a real DH problem on your hands...

How nice for your SD and DH. She can treat you like crap, your DH puts you at the same level as her, and then you have no say what goes on in your home. Awesome, I am sure this was what you were hoping for when you married him.
First your DH needs a huge kick. You need to let him know that you have been mistreated and sworn at too many times to count. It ends now. Either she apologizes or leaves. You also need to tell him you have equal authority. DH needs to apologize to you for diminishing what went down and made a unilateral decision about SD staying.

SD is playing daddy...."Sm is mean Id rather live in my car than go back to moms" my response would be "go live in your car". But of course DH soaked it right up and coddled the princess. So typical. I don't think I could ever live with a princess in my home. You need to get a stronger voice.

I would tell DH either we are both contributing adults to this household and he daren't undermine me ever again. Or I am a paid servant and expect the going rate for a maid and bed partner which is according to my research $500 a day. He cannot have it both ways. The sad thing is his daughter is going to come up against people who pass comment on her for the rest of her life and blowing up and name calling and stomping out will get her arse fired/ evicted over and over again.

So he is welcome to leave with his daughter but her crap remarks are done in this home. She has to leave because she pushed you too far with her attitude and behavior you expect from a 5 yr old and not an adult. She has to leave today. The alternative is you leave and never ever come back. He may want to remember who married him and who will be there in sickness and in health because sure as eggs his daughter never made him such a promise.

If he doesn't deal with the situation by tomorrow morning, check into a motel. He has allowed this to continue too long. I have no respect for anyone who treats me like on of their kids. Well, except for my parents and even then they know I am the better daughter }:)

" we were having a nice conversation about financial items and she got really defensive while telling her story. I told her she should try to not take things personally and she blew up at me and told me to F off B.I cant stand being around you ...as she stormed out the door."

What is a "nice financial conversation" with an eighteen year old barely adult? Especially when the conversation ends with you telling SD she shouldn't take things so personally and all h*ll breaks out?

I'm curious more than anything by asking. Lots of 18yr old females (well, males too) have the financial sense of a gnat. Does SD work part time, pay some token of rent, have some bills such as her phone, car insurance? Or just living at home with Dad and SM who are footing it all?

Besides the apology, I would think there should be some ground rules on not just respectful attitude and behavior, but also participating in a share of her expenses. If nothing else, it may help to 'teach' her some respect for how easy and lucky she is. Life is funny that way. One finds they don't get to have their cake and eat it too. Once SD hit adulthood living at home became a privilege. Something that is sometimes hard for our new found adults to comprehend. Their mouths tend to get bigger than their bitches, because ,well, they are all grown up and don't want to be told what to do or how to do it... yet there they are still living the child's life of living at home, driving vehicles parents either paid for or helped provide, phones at their fingertips which are provided and paid for by a parent, a fridge full of food (sometimes a cook to make dinner for them too).

Just something to think about. Perhaps your SD already does work and help pay for some of her expenses. But if not, it's time she did so. Along with any apology must come the realization that young adults must start acting like young adults. Not only in being respectful, but so too in acting responsible.

Wow, Im having flashbacks to the last few years, when Winona SD18 would lash out at me. She would say all types of super not nice things to me, and when I came back with honesty she would go ballistic on me. Of course, SO hear everything she said, and she would lie about what she said, but the veil was off, especially after this one big incident where she was verbally aggressive.

Once, after an argument when she was told she needed to apologize for being disrespectful, or she was not going with us to a music concert, she texted me this full-on diatribe starting with "sorry, not sorry..." like that Demi Lovato song. And included a screen cap of her contact name for me which was "crazy b!tch".

Winona also had "high sensitivities", and felt like she could treat all of us in any manner she wished. And felt like she could take anything she wanted from the refrigerator, and borrow anything she wanted from her younger sister. So I wasn't the only one she took from, and treated badly.

Luckily, SO realized that SHE was the problem. She has moved out to somewhere a few towns over, is working and is supposedly going to junior college. But the point is, her and her drama is out of our lives.

So now I just have Munchkin SD11 to worry about!!! Her personality is very different, but when she gets upset with me, what I do differently is I give her space, and then talk to her directly, instead of involving SO. I learned with the eldest, that if I involve SO, it will not go well for me. Whenever I have any sort of conflict, it is taken care of by me, and only me.

I don't get why your SD has been allowed to do this, for so long. He is enabling her to be disabled, not at all doing her any favors, she needs to take responsibility for her actions and experience repercussions.

Now is the time for you to draw the hard line and stand by it. Do not back down. In the heat of the argument you had, you weren't on top of it, but you'll need to prepare yourself for the next time she decides to go off. Have her apologize, sure, but take it with a grain of salt. It WILL happen again, she WILL go off on you again, be prepared and stand strong. No exceptions, she GOES.

I think after ten years, i would be done with that mess. I left for about the same kind of treatment. Took my kids and left.

I did not read all the comments, but this is what you can do Hun,

Work on your DH, he's the problem in your relationship not the SD, why do I say this, cause he allows it all. You simply tell DH... SD has 3 months to find alternative accommodation, you will not put up with her disrespect any longer, and if he does not like it he can find accommodations with her. He has 3 months to sort out his brat, if she starts acting her age and not her shoe size, and shows some respect, she can stay.
She needs to help with house chores, and she needs to respect you or she's out, they have 3 months to resolve this.

Then stick to it, ignore her, you treat her like a stranger renting a room from you, nothing more... and you keep on working on DH, make it clear he will never make a decision alone again as long as his married to you and if the decision impacts you as well..