One Week Reflection
So I've taken the week and really thought about why DH and I have so many problems when it comes to BM and SD12. It feels like we've had issues at every turn--the super awesome custody crap, the subsequent 50/50 split, the failure to follow the custody order when SD doesn't want to, etc. this year alone SD has missed Thanksgiving & New Years Day even though they were our holidays in the custody order because DH refuses to enforce the order when SD would rather be with BM because she makes fun plans to entice her. I refuse to go out of my way to "entice" someone to want to be with my family. We have 2 family events that my side of the family does every year since I was a kid. A company sponsored trip to an amusement park with my father's company and a trip to the cabin. We incorporated SD & DH into these trips when we were dating and DH has EOWE custody. That has changed. We've had 50/50 week on/week off for over 2 years now, with a custody order.
SD is permitted by DH to be where she wants to be, when she wants to be there. The 50/50 is kept for the most part until her Aunt wants to take her shopping on Saturday at the last minute on our week, despite our family & plans. She doesn't have to spend Thanksgiving or New Years or weekend days however, I'm still expected to include her in the amusement park & cabin trips. In summation, SD can chose when to be part of my family, but I have no say in when she can be part of my family.
I've determined that the real issue is me. DH and I have been together for 8 years. He watched my best friend and I have the fight of our lives after she cancelled plans at the last minute for the 2nd time. I value myself. I value my family. I'm not an afterthought or a convenience. I matter. I want to raise DD1 to value herself & her family. I don't allow people, friends or otherwise, to be a half-assed part of my life. I have too much respect for myself to be a last minute thought. DH knew this about me before we got married. I haven't changed, it's a core part of who I am.
I was raised in a family that enjoyed their time together because that's all we had. I wasn't allowed to take friends on vacation with us for someone to hang out with because my family was someone to hang out with. I can't keep allowing a 12 year old to decide when I'm good enough to be family & when she has something better to do.
This ends, one way or the other. I can't & won't change who I am. I played a song for DH 7 years ago that really speaks to who I am. It's still true today. Jessica Simpson "I Belong to Me."
"It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life baby
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right baby
Before I open up my heart to you
Love Don't Mean Changing Who You Are to be Who Somebody Wants You to Be.
I love myself too much for DH and SD to think they can tell me when I'm good enough.
End rant.
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Comments
We've tried that before and
We've tried that before and he plays the victim. Says he won't go it she can't go. Yada Yada. I called his bluff one cabin trip when I was pregnant and didn't have the patience. He came, she stayed with her mom as it was her weekend.
My family is always inclusive
My family is always inclusive of SD12, although to me it feels like they're being used anymore--for vacations and presents.
Thanks for your input!
I meant half-assed as in that
I meant half-assed as in that example. I definitely have control issues that stem from my lack of control in a step family situation, but I intended that statement to imply more of a "if you say you're going to show up for me, physically or emotionally, I expect you to show up. I don't have unreasonable expectations for my friends and family, no more than I can give to them. But when I say I'm going to be somewhere & do something, I mean it and I do it because I love & respect the people in my life. SD and DH expect me to show up and be inclusive when it isn't reciprocated. That's my current frustration.
There is a solid custody order in place, we say, I'll see you on thanksgiving and she says see you then, then SD and BM make other arrangements which DH allows, that affect me & my family. They plan for her, but the supplies to make a special side dish picky SD12 likes & at the last minute, because of BM and DH, she bails. (DH's family is 9 hours away). My family has always done too much to include her and make her feel like she's a part of the family, especially since we have my daughter and a granddaughter my sister had a month ago.
As far as the statement about raising DD1 to value herself & her family I was talking about my daughter age 1, with DH. That was my fault for being so disjointed in my rant. The issue I'm getting at there is that DH and I are both her parents and we clearly have some parenting issues to work out.
Thank you so much for your input!