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Always stressed

imscared's picture

Submitted by imscared on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 9:06pm

I am not a blogger, by any means. I like to write, but when it comes to others reading it, I feel like I "say" too much.

I like lists though...

My life listed:

1. Met boyfriend 2003. Our first date, boys came along. 7 and 8
2. They all lived at bf's parents house. Mom hated me cuz I wore pants(she's religious) Told the boys I was going to hell.
3. They rarely see their mom because it's too far.(35 minutes)
4. Their biological mom has 3 other children.
5. Fast forward 2007. Got pregnant, they moved in with me.
6. Had baby boy, everything is fine.
7. Boys grades are dropping. We tried everything. They just dont care. Being lazy.
8. 2008-present, boys have become rude, lazy, and have the worst potty mouths ever.
9. I posted a question/comment on Facebook. "what do you do if someone hasnt paid child support in over 12 years".
10. Oldest boy responds, shut the f*** up. Why do you care it's not your money anyways.
11. A few months later, my bf calls home and tells me to go in boys room and take xbox, the school called said they are both failing again.
12. Oldest boy comes home starts screaming, O MY F...ING GOD. WHERE THE F... IS MY XBOX? GIVE IT F...ING BACK TO ME. then slams door as he leaves the house.
13. Went on Fb later that night, and saw that he had posted, "my dad is a f...ing p***y. He needs to grow some b***s and stop listening to everything she tells you to do. Youre just scared cuz you think she'll kick us out."
14. This week: 15 yr old keeps bugging about a cell phone. Was told last year if he kept his grades up he would get one. He didnt. Failed all 4 years of middle school but they pushed him through. Left note TO DAD on dry erase board. Complaining that even his younger bro and sis (with mom) have phones.
15. I write back, that is your moms decision. Stop being mean to your dad. Youll get one if you can keep your grades up.
16. Im annoyed, but call and order a phone, unbeknownst to anyone.
17.leave house for a few hrs, get back to another note. "I SAID TO DAD! BUT OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDNT GET THE MEMO. I WASNT TALKING TO YOU. SO NEXT TIME UNLESS I ASK FOR OPINION, STAY OUT IF IT.

On top of all that, everyday I have to turn on an industrial fan just to block out the swearing that comes from their room. We have both asked, told, yelled and threatened them to stop but they laugh in our faces. I live my life in fear everday. I cringe when they come home. I love their dad and want to marry him, but I do not want my 4 year old son to live like this. It scares me to think that he'll follow in their footsteps.

Comments

CrazyCubanStepMOM's picture

Submitted by CrazyCubanStepMOM on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 9:22pm

Hi Imscared, Wow we have similar stories. I also met DH in 2003 and had children in 2007. My Skids also live with me. Mine are 14 and 11. It sucks that they are treating you like that. My question is why are you getting him a phone? Didn't you say he is failing? And he is being so rude to you. I do not put up with that kind of behavior. Your husband needs to talk to his sons because they are out of hand. They cannot talk to you that way. What does your bf do when they treat you this way?

imscared's picture

Submitted by imscared on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 9:41pm

I got him a phone (havent given it to him) because my bf let his oldest son keep his phone even though he has broken all of the rules to keep it. Bf is an amazing man, but is a pushover. I think he is just as scared of them as I am. he got into a yelling match awhile back with 15 yr old and a few weeks later social service shows up at our door on a Sunday night around 9pm. He had told someone that his dad had punched and choked him. They dismissed the accusations a few hrs later after finding out that both boys scream and swear at us. Warned them they are heading straight for jail.
I just dont understand any of it because I have been with them since they were little. Its not like I broke up their parents marriage.
I sleep with my door locked and my 4 yr old with me. I have seen and read about kids hurting their families over video games. 15 yr old pushed my son when he was 2 because he pulled his hair. He also purposely slammed his head in their bedroom door because he kept opening it saying hi.
Im just counting down the days when they are both out of my home.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Submitted by CalgonTakeMeAway on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 9:54pm

Two Words: Boot camp.

Those boys need some serious tough love...or just tough. You cannot live in fear in your own home. They are bullies..somebody needs to put them in their place. Do you really want them to live with you until they are old enough to move out? I'm so sorry this is happening. If they threaten you or get out of control, call the police. It's horrible that you and your son have to sleep behind a locked door. Maybe you should kick them out...I know you love SO, but isn't your sanity and safety more important? Good luck..keep us updated!

instantfamily's picture

Submitted by instantfamily on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 10:52pm

Firstly, they shouldn't have access to your Facebook accounts at ALL and see if you can get their blocked as their parents (I think you can). Secondly, I agree with CTMA that Boot Camp is an awesome idea. If they had one for 5 year old girls, my SD would be there in a heartbeat.

imscared's picture

Submitted by imscared on Fri, 09/09/2011 - 12:58am

Thank you for all the advise.
We have looked at boot camps but could never afford it.
Ive told them on several occasions that they are old enough to choose who they want to live with and im always given the reply theres no room. their BM lives in a 2 room duplex with the boys' twins half brother and sister. She hasnt paid child support in 12 or 13 years, shes been with the same guy for like 15 but wont marry him cuz he'll have to pay child support. She lies and says she doesnt work, but her job is with her relative cash under the table. She has a brand new vehicle. She buys the boys whatever they want. I called her when I read the Ss17 fb post since he was there, and she called my bf up and told me never to call her again.
I agree with what everyone is saying about my bf. He is a major pushover, hence the lack of CS. In my opinion, his parents really screwed them all up. Lack of emotion and love. Very negative. I went over there one night when they still lived there, and while doing homework, gpa made a comment to which gma responds"A... Youre stupid cuz your gpa is."
this whole situation seems ridiculous after re reading everything.
I just dont want my baby to learn from them. I was raised with love respect trust and manners and that is how I am trying to raise him. He doesnt show signs of being affected as of now. He's polite, says thank you, yes ma'am, yes sir. He knows german and tagalog. He has said when he hears his SB's swear that they need soap in their mouths.
I could go on and on...
I'll just keep praying for strength and His protection.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 09/09/2011 - 1:31am

Welcome I'mscared, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

Not to be immediately insensitive but .... your SO needs to grow some sack and in a hurry.

The first thing I would do is sit him down for a clarity session. "My dear, I will not allow our 4yo to be exposed to the toxic crap spewed on a regular basis by his older brothers. You will step up, get them under control and parent them effectively or you and they will be out of our home until you do." Tell him that a parents job is to be their child's example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not their buddy.

As for the cursing ..... BLAP! The first little shit that gets in your face screaming. Deck him. I am not talking a slap. I am saying knock his disrespectful ass out. I gave my mom crap only once when I was a teen. She asked me take the garbage out. I told her to do it herself. I did not cuss and I had a snarky kid grin on my face when I said it. I woke up on the kitchen floor after she knocked me out cold with a right cross to the jaw. She is 5'2" and was a buck nothin Lbs and I am 6'1"and was a buck seventy five at the time. I was actually just playing with her but she did not know that and made damned sure that I understood that she was to be treated with respect. As soon as I came too I jumped up, took out the garbage and asked very respectfully if there was anything else I could help with.

And the cell phone. You ordered it so give it to him. Hand him the nice pretty box with a nice shiny new cell phone in it. When he opens the box he will see a note that you put in saying that you are sorry that he is a disrespectful young man. When he moves the note there will be a nice shiny new cell phone recently smashed by a meat tenderizer. When his jaw hits the floor in shock... tell him that you are done with his disrespectful crap and that his life will be a living hell until he learns how to follow the rules of common respect and decency in the home.

Sit down, write no more than 6 inviolable rules for your home. Post them on the fridge and pull everyone in for an announcement. The rules will be followed without exception and failure to follow the rules will result in immediate consequences. When the rules are violated immediately instruct your SO to take the door off of the boys rooms(s). Next time they lose their beds. The next time all of their clothing with the exception of a single pair of pants, shirt, underwear, socks and shoes. They go to school in those clothes until you get three straight weeks of no violations of the house rules.

I suggest:

1) Children in this home will speak and behave with respect to the adults of the home. Yes/No Ma'am/Sir will be used at all times.

2) All members of the family will behave in a respctful and caring manner with all other members of the family.

3) All members of the family will keep their personal belongings put away where they belong, will help keep the common spaces clean and orderly and will keep their own spaces clean and orderly.

4) All members of the family will participate in familhy meals and those who don't help cook will do the clean up. If everyone helps cook, everyone helps clean. Cleaningwill be done immediately following the meal.

5) Reasonable age appropriate chores are required of all members of the family and they will be done when they are scheduled.

6) (Use your immagination.)

FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH THESE RULES WILL BE IMMEDIATELY MET WITH APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES AND DICSIPLINE DECIDED ON BY THE ADULTS OF THE HOME!

ENFORCEMENT BEGINS IMMEDIATELY!

Your Skids are too old for tender and non severe consequences. We used to have my SS write sentences for days when he violated the rules. When nothing else worked we found that sentences worked. From age 8 - ~12 he wrote tens of thousands of sentences.

I will do my homework and turn it in on time.

I will not lie when asked a question by any adult.

I will actually read the books I list on my reading log and not lie about how many pages are in the books.

etc, etc, etc....

Your SKids may be a bit old for sentences but you might want to give it a try.

It took a while but we finally figured out how many sentences he could write with an hourly stretch goal. We added 20 sentences to the goal, gave him his quota (2-40hours) and he wrote sentences. One messy sentence or miss spelled word and the completed count went to zero and he started over. He is now 19, in the USAF and cringes when we mention sentences.

Then there is military school. It is a Rags family tradition. My dad went, I went and my younger bro went. And when he shoved his head so far up his ass he could see out of his own mouth my SS went.

For many foul mouthed kids that think they are tough, Military School is a true eye opener and most are reduced to trembling pussies in tears before the end of the first day. No abuse, no violence just extreme oversight by their peers (Old Cadets) and having to deal with a system designed to grow and reward excellence and instill discipline and respect for authority.

My dad, brother, SS and I were not bad kids. In fact we were all respectful, capable and high performing young men before we went...... for the most part. The circumstances of our families at the time gave us the opportunity for top notch Military School educations and we all thrived and benefited from the experience.

Unfortunately my SS's SpermIdiot screwed that opportunity up for him and we had to bring him home for the last semester of HS. SS was an honor cadet and honor student at a top 20 boarding school (military) his Jr year of HS. He was invited to leadership camp for the month before school started prior to his Sr. year. He was doing great. Then his SpermIdiot got him a WoW subscription and helped SS hack the school fire wall and played WoW all night nearly every night with SS. SS was a zombie and failed every class the first semester of his Sr year.

So we brought him home, put him in our local HS, kept our feet firmly up his ass and gave him the ultimatum of finishing HS on time (he had to do a years worth of work in one semester) or the day after school was out he would get a one way bus ticket to SpermLand and a $20 bill. Since it was 2000+ miles to SpermLand he would have been hard pressed to feed himself for the week+ bus trip on $20.00. He graduated on time and with honors.

Then we went to SpermLand for his final CO'd visitation with the SpermClan.

When he got back we gave him a few months of veg time with some guidance to get a job, get in to school or enlist....... Nothin. He was our beck and call chore boy for that time but we did not give him a load of crap. We let him use his time as he wished as long as his chores were done when his mom and I got home from work.

So, after a few months we dusted off the one way bus ticket to SpermLand and the trusty $20.00 bill lecture and gave him a choice. Choose one of four options.

1) Start paying rent of $200.00/mo and be in school It was just a token amount including food, utilities, and all of the amenities of our home. We would pay for his college costs.

2. The bus ticket to SpermLand and $20.00.

3. His choice of fresh refrigerator sized boxes to sleep in and the over pass of his choice to put it under.

4. Enlist.

He chose the USAF. He did not make the deadline but he did make a concerted effort to contact and interface with the recruiters of all of the Armed Forces.

He blew the doors off of the ASVAB and the USAF recruited him heavily, offered him some amazing tech schools and a couple of early stripes. He signed up for 6yrs.

He has been in for 5mos and we just spent Labor Day weekend with him. He is doing amazingly well and we are proud of him. He indicated that he has his plan in place to finish his degree in his first six year enlistment and will apply to OCS as soon as he finishes his BS then will stay another 14 and retire at age 38. Then he will go to work in private sector for 20 more years and fully retire at 58.

He also said that after Military School that BMT and tech school was not too difficult. So, apparently we got some value out of our 1.5 years of Military Boarding School Tuition and his SpermIdiot did not permanently ruin our son's future.

Apparently he listened when his mom and I thought he was ignoring us and he has realized that the example set by his SpermIdiot is not what he wants for his own life.

My wife was a 16yo single teen mom when SS was born. DickHead was 22. My wife went on to graduate with her HS class with honors, her BS with honors, grad school with honors and is now a CPA. I am a degreed electrical engineer with an MBA. My wife and I both have reasonably successful careers.

DickHead went on to continue his breeding career and has a total of 4 oowl spawn by three different baby mama's. He raises nor supports any of his children. His parents, SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa, pay his CS on my son and his #2 spawn and raise #3 and #4 in their home with no help from their idiot and worthless POS son.

My SS's biodad is far from stupid. He is just morally bankrupt and devoid of character. He is a licensed plumber but is voluntarily intermittently employed in an attempt to keep the three baby mamas from forcing him to pay higher CS. Which we have already stated he does not pay anyway.

So, you can fix your toxic SS's but it will take a dedicated and joint effort between you and your SO. You have no choice but to start the process by giving him clarity on what he will do to work with you to make it happen. Do it for yourself, do it for your 4yo, do it for your marriage and do it for your Skids.

BTW,BM won't pay CS until your SO nails her ass to the wall in court. He will own her ass if he will sack up and force her to support her older children. The drama of her continued idiot decisions are irrelevent. Your SO needs to man up and hold her accountable and put his foot up the older boy's asses. As far as bootcamp or Military School tuition .... CS will go a long way to paying for it and there are options available that are fairly affordable and that offer assistance.

All IMO and experience of course.

Good luck.