My DF basically doesn't parent
It's 10:30 at night and he has gone to bed, without putting his kids to bed, and they are still up and demanding attention from me . This is a nightly occurrence. My bios are not here this weekend so this is my time off and I am not parenting kids that I'm not allowed to discipline or even correct at all. He has locked the bedroom door from the inside and they are pounding on it. I'm getting sick of this. I need stability for my bios, so I'm not leaving for another year or so, but I'm losing respect for this man. I am SO glad we didn't get married right away like he wanted to. I do all the parenting for my bios and it is exhausting, and I feel bad for the skids but he just doesn't seem to give a shit.
Ugh, drinking wine and feeling cynical. He has been ignoring me also. I can't be everyone's savior. I can put up with this for a while so I can get my DS launched and my DD in an older teenage place, but I'm tired of being ignored and neglected. He sucks as a parent and a partner right now.
- ihateholidays's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Read back what you have
Read back what you have written:
He hasn't put his kids to bed.
It is 10:30 and you have to deal with them and, I presume, put them to bed. Your own kids are not there.
He has locked the bedroom door from the inside- locking out yourself and his own kids.
That line would be enough for me- I would put those kids in bed, make sure they were safely asleep, and then go book myself into some accommodation or phone friends/family asking for a bed for the night.
If he doesn't apologise the next morning I would formulate my exit plan and get out of there. This is unreasonable, neglectful behaviour and his family need to know he doesn't deserve to have those kids.
uhm either A) kick down the
uhm either
A) kick down the door and tell him to handle HIS children
or
And if Daddy Dearest has anything to say-tell him since he refuses to parent his children
you made the choice for him.
My DH was told early on if he refuses to handle his children I will-and if he had any issue
with that,there's the door. The same goes with my niece/nephews. I expect them all to follow
the house rules.
He must have a magic
He must have a magic wang!!
We all have our own issues, yes my dh has a few parenting issues himself, but he still is involved!
Like lady dont be a doormat, if you step up and he steps out, then it was not meant to be!
Id get an airhorn!! If he does it again start blasting it, lol
When he comes out- blank
When he comes out- blank face- what?- must be your kids...
This cracked me up!
This cracked me up!
Doesn't cut it. My boyfriend
Doesn't cut it.
My boyfriend knows that's a damn good way to make sure he does EVERYTHING without my help for the next few nights. Normally he will handle getting his son ready and I take care of the girl. Really it just means reminding them to bring PJs to the bathroom, montering how long they are in there, and clothes get to the hamper. We take turn with story time but are both present.
I'd give him 1 chance. He doesn't do it you need to get out of there.
You say you want stability for your kids but think about what they are learning by watching this happen.
So what kind of "stability"
So what kind of "stability" is this guy providing?
Stability? Boyfriend, not the
Stability? Boyfriend, not the father of your kids, locks the bedroom doors and doesn't take care of his kids. And you aren't allowed to correct them. All of this sounds as unstable as it can be. I'll call BM and informed her about what's going on. Kids don't need to come over.
I realized I made it sound
I realized I made it sound worse than it was. I wasn't locked out of the bedroom, just the kids were. I wanted some peace and quiet before bed (not gonna happen) so I stayed up for a bit. The kids are not in danger, just bored, and no one parents them.
If I called the BM, my relationship would be over - DF would not forgive that. BM also neglects them though - several times she has left for vacation in the morning on the day when DF gets them (he gets them in the evening), and hasn't told DF or anyone else. So they are just alone for 10 or so hours until he goes to pick them up - and he has no idea.
Stability - I live in one of the top 3 most expensive living areas of the country. If I moved out I could only afford to rent a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment (with both of my bios being teens I need a 3 bed), and it would be about $700 more per month than I pay now. DF and I share a big house, my DD is happy in her school and with her friends - I would have to move her school right at the beginning of the year, into a tiny apartment and a new school with a highly anxious mother. It would be bad for her.
I need to save more money - I'm trying to build up a retirement fund and a savings fund. I got really screwed in my divorce and it is so expensive to move, I would lose a lot of the ground I've made up over the past couple of years. I have been so stressed and anxious living paycheck to paycheck, and I'm trying to build myself a buffer. My ex doesn't help much at all, so all the driving and organizing and buying and managing, and parenting of my two bios falls on me. Ex is a disney dad.
I know, not really excuses, but it's not *that* bad...sigh. I want to get my DD through middle school before I make another big change. I love my DF, he sucks as a parent, but I've been working on boundaries, and these are not my kids to care about. I mean, I do, but as one of you so wisely said, I can't care about them more than their parents do.
It was more of a rant than anything. They are old enough that they won't die, or burn the house down, it's just sad for them that no one, not BM or DF, really knows how to parent.
When I met DF the kids were alone a lot. The entire day all summer, and the oldest (11 years at the time) had to watch the 9 year old and the 5 year old by herself. At BOTH houses. I took care of them back then, because I couldn't stand to see that. But I ended up ignoring my bios (12 and 9 at the time) because of it so I've really stepped back as the skids have gotten older. I need to put the energy into my bios.
Damn, sorry for the rant. I'm in a bad place right now.
You didn't make it sound
You didn't make it sound worse. It is that worse. If they are old enough that they won't die or burn the house down (not very reassuring!) then I presume they get themselves off to bed. I am trying to work out how old these skids are, and whether they are and have been seriously neglected in the past (as in leaving them alone for ten hours) It isn't your job to parent but it is your place as a responsible adult to keep them safe.
You need to put your energy into yourself first and foremost. No one comes to this site unless things are grim, and once we've vented we often backtrack and say things aren't that bad, when we know they really are.
It is good you have your savings plan and retirement fund, but you need to work on that self-esteem in order to get to that fund!
Ex isn't much help- but he should be helping you parent, at least financially.
This probably hasn't made you feel any better- but that exit plan needs to start with you looking at your life and thinking about what you want for yourself, and get yourself to a better place!
I'm kind of deliberately
I'm kind of deliberately vague about the ages and genders of all the kids on here - I just don't want to be found by anyone I know. The skids are technically old enough to put themselves to bed - like I said, several years ago when I came into the picture I was pretty shocked by what was going on - yes, I would consider what both DF and BM were doing at the time to be neglect. But several years on the skids are older, and it's probably legal now, just crappy parenting.
They want attention, it's late at night, if DF wants to go to bed, fine, but put the kids to bed! Just don't ignore them. SS especially will just not go to bed at all. Not until it gets light. I don't think it's healthy for a kid to stay up ALL night playing video games over and over again. I don't allow that with my bios.
You are enabling you DH and
You are enabling you DH and showing all of the kids that this is acceptable behavior.
I've kicked SO out of bed before because he failed to meet his requirements on the children's care for the day. He also knows I'm not above walking out and staying with my mom.
If he doesn't get up and fix it you get in the car with your kids alone and leave the house. Or put yours to bed and go outside / leave if would be considered safe.
You MAKE him parent, you accept he wont, or you leave.
Personally my SO knows if he every fails as a parent I will leave. I grew up with a dad who did this crap and it's not acceptable for me. I don't be around kids being treated that way, I don't enable him, and if it happens while we have a child together I will leave. I don't teach kids this is ok. They can grow up and get over sharing a room.
So he assumed it was ok to
So he assumed it was ok to lock the door because you were on the other side to take care of the kids? What would he have done if you were inside the bedroom - still lock the kids out? If you decide to go to bed will he unlock the door for you? I just can't wrap my head around a Dad who locks his own kids out of his bedroom rather then getting up and putting them to bed.
I hope you are serious about your exit plan. In the meantime, look up "disengaging" on this site and do some reading.
NExt time wake his ass up and
NExt time wake his ass up and tell him - your kids your responsibility, then lock him out of the room...
he can only come to bed once his kids are taken care off, you are doing this to yourself, no one said you have to be responsible for his children, you simply took it upon yourself. you can stop this
Acrat- earlier OP said his
Acrat- earlier OP said his kids had been banging on the door. I don't think he could have been asleep- a man who locks his own door against his kids is not doing it because he isn't sleeping well...
It is THAT bad. Your DD
It is THAT bad.
Your DD would choose a man just like your SO because that's what she is learning from you. Your DS will treat women and children like your SO does. Kids learn from what they see at home because subconsciously it becomes their "normal."
Personally I think living in this situation because you like big house and don't want to rent an apartment is a bad reason. Millions of people live in small places and cheaper areas. And raise kids just fine. I and DD never lived in a house. We always lived in apartment, yes expensive area as well. Yes I had to work a lot and sure paycheck to paycheck is a stressful way to live. So the way you live now isn't stressful?
My DD is well adjusted successful adult. You don't need big houses or fancy areas to raise children well.
I don't disagree with what
I don't disagree with what Livingoutloud is saying, as your DD probably would ultimately be just fine if you moved to a smaller place, but I do understand your feelings about not wanting to disrupt her life like that. A move into a new home and a new school district in middle school could potentially be very difficult and upsetting for a child. Middle school is a tough time. Hormones are raging, popularity is paramount, your friends are your life. I wouldn't want to put my BD through that if I didn't absolutely have to.
I don't get the impression that the OP is willing to put up with all that BS because she wants a big house. I got the impression that she is willing to put up with it for her child's sake. I think we are all willing to sacrifice for our kids, often far more than we should.
You could be right but I see
You could be right but I see it completely in opposite way re sacrifice. I think ultimately staying in this mess isn't benefiting her child. Sure it provides her with good school and big house but it also exposes her to terrible role model. I think actually leaving this man (they aren't even married) and putting up with reduction in income etc would be a sacrifice for her child, not the other way around. I'd sacrifice saving and retirement fund and big house so my kid does not see this nonsense every day. I am not saying that's what op should do but that's my take on it.
I can't sacrifice my
I can't sacrifice my retirement fund. I am too old to start over, and I have no family who can support me. If I don't make it a priority now, I will end up not being able to survive when I am older. I stupidly was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, and screwed my career. I literally have no safety net other than what I make myself.
What will you do if your DF
What will you do if your DF pulls the plug on the relationship?
If you can afford a 2 bedroom apartment and keep your daughter in the same school,
then the kids would have share a room.
If they MUST have separate rooms, then she would have to go to a new school.
Doing either of those AND keeping your current job would be better than staying with this guy.
But you two aren't married.
But you two aren't married. He might break up with you tomorrow, you still won't have any safety net.
I don't have much saved either. It is what it is. I've been single mom my whole life. I divorced my first DH at 25 and got married second time at 50. I lived in expensive areas for DDs sake. Alone. No men. Sure I am married now but my DH pays tons of alimony because his ex refused to work almost 30 years, he had bankruptsy and lost everything in divorce. So pretty much we are comfortable right now but no savings.
How much can you really rely on this man? He can't even take care of his kids.
This is right- thanks for
This is right- thanks for this. The house we live in is in no way *fancy*, just big since there are seven of us. It's more about my DD. In the past few years her dad moved out of the marital house, then I moved out because I couldn't afford to keep it, then he moved again, then I moved again, then he moved again. She got a new stepfather figure and several step-siblings, and her dad has a new girlfriend/fiance/possibly wife (I think they got married in secret and didn't tell the kids, which also sucks).
It's a LOT of change. She went from 50/50 to 90% with me, and has said she is way happier not having to go back and forth all the time - she says she felt like she had no home with 50/50. My BS doesn't seem to mind going back and forth, he is an older teenager and so he is still 50/50 with my ex.
I need to work in the evenings sometimes, and would have to much more if we moved out into a more expensive place, so she would be alone everyday after school into the evening (8 or 9pm) in a new place with no friends at a new school. It really would suck for her.
My BD is very emotional and reactive, and social situations are hard for her already. When she is here I tell all the kids to go to bed (well the three youngest - the two older teens are responsible for themselves), so she does see her step-siblings parented, just by me.
I have disengaged with my skids quite a bit, and it makes me sad that DF has not picked up the slack with them. I set a pretty high bar for my parenting, and his is way lower.
Interestingly, the skids BM has really stepped up her game since I came into the picture! I think she feels threatened by me, but hey, it's way better for the skids. She actually goes to school functions, and takes them places, and takes them to activities sometimes now.
You should stay
You should stay around,though- you will pick up lots of tips here!
BF is simply looking for a
BF is simply looking for a full-time nanny. I'm not sure but did you say he has custody? I went through this crap with Chef, but he is an NCP. Before I disengaged he thought that I would be a substitute nanny--nope!
They have 50/50 - EOW. No, he
They have 50/50 - EOW. No, he doesn't want a nanny, he would do the same thing if I wasn't here. He just doesn't parent. It's more of a vent than anything. I feel guilty when I see his kids not being parented the way mine are, but he doesn't expect me to parent his kids.