SD rewarded for slamming door in my face
By DH, of course. He asked me to take her to therapy yesterday and, like a good wife, I agreed to help him out so he'd get home sooner. SD drew a wolf (her teacher helped trace it, SD is 12 and can't do anything on her own) and asked me if I would help her trace the wolf onto her phone cover with a sharpie we bought. I told her that she is very capable of doing it herself. When I dropped her off at therapy, the picture flew in between my seat and the center console. I told her that it may be lost and, as she's getting out, says "well can you find it.." in her most bland, annoyed voice and slams the car door without another word.
I immediately text her and tell her that she absolutely MAY NOT treat me like that and she needs to start being more courteous and happy for once. She says "sorry" and I told her I hope she means it because I will not be treated that way after all I do for her.
I also text DH and tell him what happened and that I am done helping him out if he's going to allow his brat to treat me that way. He says l need to talk to her myself. I told him that I did and I will never help him again until this behavior stops. He says he'll deal with it.
Well I go to trade him cars after I get off work so that I can take the dogs to the park. He has a card for SD. I was annoyed but it's a piece of paper, whatever. A lightbulb came on right then. A month ago, he told her that he'd get her a visa gift card to buy stuff online *if* she behaved until this month. That was after she tattled on me to BM and GBM and DH swore she changed after their "talk" last month.
Now here we are. He bought her a gift card for being an absolute shit to me yesterday and he said he'd "deal with it" so I just need to let him parent. How TF is that parenting??!!!!!
He said something to the effect of: "I had a very direct convo with her about how she treats you and need you to be positive. I'm trying to be different than BM and I said I'd deal with it so you need to let me."
I am beyond livid. Just when I thought we were ready to have a happy family this shit happens. Princess must remain happy so why not undermine the wife? She only has done EVERYTHING for SD for over 8 years but, by all means, keep princess happy so that she treats wife better. I can't even today.
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That
was the last thing you will ever do for her. From now on you don’t see her,
I'm not even mad at SD. We
I'm not even mad at SD. We made up and were talking last night. I am mad at my husband for having to bribe his kid to treat me decently.
Rewarding her IF she behaves,
Rewarding her IF she behaves, rewarding her AFTER she misbehaved. No. Just no.
And he “needs you to be positive.” Huh? Do you ever feel like your DH is the man in the high tower, looking down on you and SD, half-assed trying to rule?
You... need... to... stop... helping... your... DH or BM.
He says that I don't even
He says that I don't even know what was said and am blowing this out of proportion but I DO know that he confronted her about being a snot to me then gave her a card and gift card. What else is there to know? I have done more for that child than he ever has since we've been together and I am just hurt and annoyed that he gets unconditional love and I'm just chopped liver in the end. Oh and he thinks she'll be a "new SD" after their conversation. He said that last month after the shit she stirred up with BM and GBM, too.
Oooh I know how you feel.
My formerSS13 called me a b!tch (when dad wasnt home, of course!). His dad sat him down and talked to him; as this was the standard punishment. Hell, it was more of a punishment to me cuz I got so sick of hearing the BULLCRAP.
This particular time, as was normal, SS was not admitting what he did and lying. Well dad told him he would buy him a pair of shoes if he told him the truth!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL F?! Mind you, this child at all times has 5-6 pairs of tennis shoes (that all cost $130+, one pair was $240!).
I really wish you were making
I really wish you were making that up. I have had plenty of chances to leave but now that we are having a baby, I feel like the right thing to do is stay and "work it out". He says that I always find something to be mad about and that it's getting difficult to be around me and he never judges me or finds my faults. Well if he has a problem with me, he needs to speak up!
He keeps telling me that I don't even know what was said but won't tell me what was said. I know that he talked to SD about how she treated me (again) and she got a treat out of it. How else is that supposed to look to me?
Yeah,
I wish I was making it up too.
I also stayed to try and work it out after becoming pregnant; unexpectedly. (Before the comments from anyone such as "you know how that happens" or some such nonsense... I had a tubal ligation 20 years prior to getting pregnant, so UNEXPECTED.)
My baby was 5 months old when I left. I had to. The only "working things out" there would have been would have been me accepting everything that I could not. Horrible things.
I am scared that when baby
I am scared that when baby comes, DH will overcompensate SD to make her feel not left out, especially if it is a girl, and she will just get worse. She is already almost a teenager. I posted yesterday and SD had said she will boss her younger sibling around because I know she does that with BM's kid. Everyone was saying it was normal but I most definitely will not stand for that.
I replied to that!
My formerSS tried that nonsense too. I shut it right down, much to his grandmother's dismay.
In my case it did get worse. Much worse. I kept finding broken glass on my baby's gym and other play areas. Stupid excuses were made as to how it ended up there... funny it happened when SS had just walked through the room, from his room while I would be in the kitchen or bedroom. He did crank up his bad behavior, for sure.
OMG, SteppedOut!
OMG, SteppedOut!
Right?!
It happened 8 different times. I had to check my baby's things every time I left the room. I didn't dare leave my baby alone in any room, even my own bedroom for fear something would "accidentally" happen.
That is horrifying!
That is horrifying!
I’m one of the ones that didn
I’m one of the ones that didn’t think it is normal.
It was a huge fear of mine, too. Having DH’s second daughter with barely a 7 year age gap. He had his moments. And so did she, getting uber emotional that she couldn’t sleep in our bed (I had actually put a stop to that before I got pregnant), that DH wouldn’t sleep in her bed. She got so tightly wound upset that BM would call and scream at DH, telling him to sleep with his daughter. It was over the top ridiculous.
But I was SO blissed-out and kept busy with our new baby that I hardly cared at all. I just focused on the three of us. I didn’t bend over backwards for skid at all.
But how do I focus on the
But how do I focus on the three of us without giving off the evil SM vibe?
Honey you already have the
Honey you already have the evil SM vibe. We all do. You married "Her Daddy"
It doesn’t get better with
It doesn’t get better with age. SD is 33 married and had a spawn. The last time DH tried to stand up for me she did not speak to him for 3 years. Wrote him nasty email saying he was a failure as a husband to BM, failure as a father, and a Christian and she was done with him. So 3 years ago she gets engaged. She needs daddy to pay for wedding and to look good to her future family. No apology nothing. Comes running back to daddies open arms. She is back to her mini wife status now. Still abusive of and bullying me while daddy watches. She pops out a spawn. So, daddy is so afraid she will pull the you can’t see spawn if you don’t do exactly as I say card, that he jumps through all her hoops. He did ask her to apologize to me for her treatment. She sends me a card saying she forgives me. I don’t know what for, I guess marrying her as she calls him “ my guy.” Daddy call her and pats her on the back for “apologizing”.
I tell him she didn’t apologize. He says well she feels she did so that is all that matters. So now DH has a wife “daughter” and a mistress “me”. She can do no wrong. He will never make her accountable for any actions. She has been given the gift that she is able to do what ever she wants to me with no accountability at all. Daddy just stands by and watched. Terrified of her.
He did tell her one day he couldn’t jump through her hoop and run right over and see her. She sent him a video of BM’s husband playing with her spawn. daddy better not say no or he will be replaced.
We went to a counselor. He totally backed daddy and said he cannot risk not seeing spawn. So I am to go total no contact. If his mini wife calls I am suppose to get up leave the room to give them privacy. I am not suppose to ask anything about them. If there is a family event and they might go I am not suppose to go.
So daddy got very empowered by the counselor. I guess the counselor must also be married to his own daughter.
You keep telling him you won
You keep telling him you won't help out if______,but you continue to do so. He has no incentive to change because you keep showing him that you won't.
I know. I just want to be a
I know. I just want to be a good wife and have a relationship with SD but I keep getting frustrated and stepped on. I want us to be one big happy family when this baby comes but I can't help but to worry that will only make more apparent my dislike for SD's teen attitude and DH being a Disney Daddy.
I have learned, the hard way,
I have learned, the hard way, that being a good wife has absolutely nothing to do with his other kids. If he thinks being a good wife is directly associated with your relationship with his kid or what you do for her...then you two have a big problem.
The illusion of one big happy family was just that. I'm still grieving that loss, but not nearly so much now that I've banked a ton of awesome memories with MY family (DH and our son).
Disengagement takes time and practice. Many of us slip up from time to time because we're human. Despite what's best for us, we care damn it! But the more you practice it, the better you will be at it.
I was pregnant for the absolute worst time during this process. My skids were nightmares and I was determined to disengage. My anxiety was through the roof. (Have you found an individual therapist yet? Mine was also a SM with a crazy BM so she was my freaking savior those long, hard months).
I can give you hope that, unlike a bratty SD, disengaging gets easier over time. Once you start telling your DH "no, that doesn't work for me" it gets easier and easier to say it. And once your little bundle of joy arrives, it will be exponentially easier. My son gets my everything. I don't have nearly the brain space for my smells like teen failure skids as I used to.
I wouldn’t put stock in SD
I wouldn’t put stock in SD ever genuinely apologizing to you for her actions, respecting you and all that you do for her, or her loving you equally, or remotely close to loving you like she does her bio parents. I think once you can let go of that and you focus more on yourself, your marriage sans SD, and your pregnancy/new baby, you’ll be a lot happier.
I forget the reason, but why is she in therapy again?
Because of her attitude. She
Because of her attitude. She constantly argued with BM because she was always given adult status and it only became a problem when it wasn't cute anymore. The reason BM finally agreed to 50/50 was to make her life easier and I think their relationship is now better because of it and now I am suffering- or choosing to suffer because I always put myself in the middle, I suppose.
I really do want us all to be a happy family but I am resentful that DH is a Disney parent and I fear it will get worse after baby comes.
Ah, okay. That’s right.
Ah, okay. That’s right.
You have every right to be fearful. I hope for your and the new baby’s sake, though, that he won’t go down that path. It will breed a lot of resentment in your marriage and family unit. It sounds like he himself would benefit from counseling.
Would he be open to it?
Probably not but I definitely
Probably not but I definitely need a counselor myself.
I would be livid at him for
I would be livid at him for this "parenting." Livid. I would be very tempted to buy a gift to have on hand the next time she back talks HIM. I highly doubt he would appreciate this "method" when her negative behavior is directed at him.
Oh but she never back talks
Oh but she never back talks daddy and she'd never slam the door in his face because he'd just tell her how much he loves her and she'd eat it right up. The difference is obvious to me but DH is too far up SD's ass to see it. Of course, he won't tell me what was said when he "talked" to her but I just don't seem to understand.
That's a problem. If he won't
That's a problem. If he won't tell you they have their little "secret". It is supposed to be you he confides in, not her, especially when it comes to "parenting matters".
Thank you! When I told him to
Thank you! When I told him to not be surprised when I stop helping him out with SD he asked why I was being that way but last night after they went out to dinner, he didn't offer up any information then when I asked if I can cuddle him he says "you didn't even talk to me last night". Damn right I didn't! He refused to tell me in text what he said to her and just said that he "dealt with it" then gives me the silent treatment and slept with his back to me all night.
Bleh.
I whole heartedly know the disgust and dismay you are feeling. I'm sorry. And it COMPLETELY SUCKS to have to deal with this while you are pregnant.
I suggest you focus on your and your baby's health. Disengage from this child. You do not need the stress she is causing.
Keep your options open.
He just told me that I had
He just told me that I had him "yell" at SD for something he wasn't there for and that the gift card had nothing to do with me. Apparently he thought she was an angel all month but her slamming the door in my face should've negated that, don't you think? Grrr I just don't want him to come home tonight and I want SD to go back to BM's already.
Spend the day/night out...
Doing something you enjoy! Get together with friends or family. Go out by yourself!
I told him that if he doesn't
I told him that if he doesn't start taking my side and being my partner that this relationship won't work and he told me to leave if I'm so eager to go.
I told him that if he doesn't
Well, damn. There you go. He’s telling you how he feels - believe him.
When someone tells you who they are believe them
I would start secretly planning my exit. Focus on you, disengage from DH and SD. Either he’ll wake up and make you and the relationship priority, or you’ll be prepared with a plan and enough to pay a retainer and start a new chapter in life.
Your DH sounds like he’s
Your DH sounds like he’s having some internal emotional struggles. Not sure what, but a lot of this is definitely on him and his lack parenting and coping skills.
I know you struggle with disengagement, but I think you really need to in order to maintain your emotional and physical health while pregnant. Being a new mom is no hormonal walk in the park either, so there’s no better time than now to start putting yourself first. You can do both. You can be a good wife in non SD centric ways AND focus on yourself. Remember, SD basically has two moms. Your new baby is going to have ONE. Make that your priority.
He is stressed at work but
He is stressed at work but that's not new and has to deal with everybody's BS there and work in 100 degree weather. He said nobody is on "his side" but why would I be? How am I supposed to believe that scolding SD for slamming the door in my face then giving her a gift card (I assume $100) for "good behavior" doesn't make any damn sense! SD even has 3 moms in that sense because GBM worships the ground she walks on. I don't want to leave. I want him to fight for me but I guess he really is showing me how he feels..
I get it. My DH works a very
I get it. My DH works a very high stress job, almost 80 hours a week. It’s still no excuse that he can’t compartmentalize stress, anger, tiredness, etcetera.
At this point, I wouldn’t want to leave either if I were you. Because ultimately that means your DH will have visitation with SD around, and you’ll be no where near to control all the craziness that in itself will bring you.
He bought her a gift card for
He bought her a gift card for being an absolute shit to me yesterday
That is not actually what happened, he did not buy her a gift card for being a shit to you. You are exaggerating.
I know that it is easy to misinterpret things and overreact, as you do not love this kid, but she did not actually slam a door "in your face" and what you heard as her most "bland, annoyed voice" is really the voice of a lot of teens. I'm not saying that it's right but it's really no reason to overreact, either. Address it with her at the time and let it go.
You just can't let every little thing get to you. And you seem to nitpick this girl, a lot.
I told him that if he doesn't start taking my side and being my partner that this relationship won't work
How can your husband take your side when he doesn't know what happened? I have seen first hand how people hear things differently than how they are being said. I have shut a car door harder than I intended. He's supposed to just "take your side", even if he doesn't know that his daughter did anything wrong?
I'm all for a spouse standing up for their other half... if they are in the right.
He gave her a gift card for
He gave her a gift card for being "good" the last month since ratting me out for walking my dogs to BM and GBM. How is slamming the door on me after telling me "can you just look for it (the stencil)" instead of asking nicely, thanking me for the ride, and saying "see you in an hour" good? I'd be damned if my own child did that to him and that would negate any gift card for "being good". Yes, he should believe me as his spouse because I only told him the truth.
Being his spouse does not
Being his spouse does not mean he has to agree with the way you take things.
You keep saying the child slammed the door in your face. That is being dramatic. You called her out about the comment. She apologized, but her sorry wasn't good enough for you.
While your husband may agree that the girl was out of line, he can also disagree with your level of "anger" over something so minor.
You complain about the way the kid pushing you away. Yet when she asks you for help with the stencil, you push her away. Why should she even bother?
You seem to find something wrong with everything that the kid does. Chances are she has picked up on that. If she hasn't, your husband sure as heck has.
You really need to take some time and think about what you want. If you keep this up, that man is going to walk away. His comment to you was a glimpse into what/how he is feeling about all if this.
I want her to try things on
I want her to try things on her own because she is so afraid to fail. She will be 13, for goodness sake. Me, mommy, daddy, and SF won't always be around to help her decorate her things or whatever. What is wrong with expecting a kid that age to try things on her own?
What I would have done
"No, if I find the drawing I am tossing it out. If it doesn't matter to you it doesn't matter to me. You can check for it when you get home.Now go to therapy... scoot!"
I would NOT have text her and I would NOT have text DH. Tattling on her only feeds his protectiveness. Then later (because he would not have bought her the giftcard because there was no reason to cheer her up) I would have told her she does not speak to you like that again or all the good stuff you do for her goes bye bye. Acting like a brat gets you treated like a brat. She makes that choice. And if she thinks you are expecting her to take care or babysit any chiildren you may ever have she has another think coming. YOU will take care of your own children and you don't need a pre-teen acting like a jerk to do anything for you,
I bet she vbacks down FAST. Laying it out for her that you will take care of your 'future' children unlike BM who expects SD to be the unpaid nbabysitter. You expect certain behaviours from her and she can expect the same.
Leaving DH out of it would have been easier. If she had gone running to him I would have said .."It's a girl thing. You don't understand. I've got this covered."
You're absolutely right. If I
You're absolutely right. If I wouldn't have "tattled" DH would've never had to cheer her up and wouldn't have even fed into it and I wouldn't have been upset for 2 days. I need to disengage but still can't grasp it. I know DH is busy and I encouraged week on/ week off so I feel like I need to help him with some things to make his life easier but the disrespect needs to stop. Do I just confront her directly if it happens again? I don't need to be her friend but I want a good relationship with her.
And she absolutely will not babysit our baby. We can barely trust her to take care of herself.
Well...
Disengaging is a process. It took me a good 6 wks to master the art of letting OSSs shennigans bypass me and disappear like a bad dream. If she is helpless suggest she seeks out her father because he is better at these things. If she needs a ride to therapy make sure you have an errand to run so you dont have to help out. If she jabbers on to you just say "Hmmm, that's nice." Eventually she will get the idea.
If DH notices just tell him he is much better with his daughter than you are so you are leaving him to deal with her as he sees fit. When he protests just tell him as long as he continues to feed into her neediness she will not grow up and he is playing a part in stifling her and keeping her a child which is very sad to see ... parents who refuse to allow their child to grow up and become independent. Then tilt your head to one side, smile a little smile and walk away and never mention it again.