Teenage disrespect - Do I just ignore it?
I am teacher, and a mother of my own 6 year old daughter. My boyfriend whom I've been dating for a year, is wrapping up a lenghty drawn out divorce. He has 3 boys. They are 14, 9, and 7. Their mother struggles with a heroin addiction and the boys have been living solely with their father for the last 2 years, but really the last 3 years as that is how long this has been going on (to his knowledge).
Over those 3 years, the oldest has been thrown into a caregiver position while his father was at work for his two younger brothers. He has identified this as his importance and role in his family. However, he is extremely rude and overly bossy to his brothers that cause constant arguments between them. He's even treating my daughter that way now. I've only stepped in once or twice because i'm trying to protect our relationship that we've built
Don't get me wrong, he can be a WONDERFUL kid. He opens up to me about his girl problems, his anxiety and many other things that he doesn't talk to his dad about.
Because I teach summer school, I take the boys with me each morning, and I've been at the house a lot more recently. The idea behind staying there more was to help. Help alleviate him from the role he was put into when his mother left. Cooking , cleaning and being the authoritative figure. His father has explained this to him over and over again (in a non threatening way). We have both told him on numerous occasions that i'm not here to replace his mother, i'm here to help and let him be a 14 year old.
The struggle now is, he tells me how to do EVERYTHING. He watches me cook and makes comments "why don't you do it this way?" "Don't use that pizza cutter, use this one (and will put the one I got out, back). I tell the middle son it's ok for him to help me with something, and he raised his voice to me and told me "No, he isn't doing that." He is sarcastic in about 50% of his comments to me, and most of all, argues EVERYTHING. Granted, he argues with everyone, but I find it to be very disrespectful. His father corrects him and gets after him about it, but it doesn't seem to help. I keep getting told by my sister, "I think you're taking it too personally, he's 14, this age sucks, you just have to get through it." I know he's went through a LOT, but is there a point when enough is enough? I feel like if I act on my parental instict (what I would do if it were my daughter), it will destroy our relationship. Help!
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It sounds like it could be a
It sounds like it could be a couple things going on in this situation. My best guess is one he is feeling that his toes are being stepped on. He has been in this "caretaker role" for a while and maybe he is having a hard time giving it up maybe because he received a lot of praise and status in the family for stepping up. Secondly he might just have an argumentative personality ( which my own son has at times) and can be hard to deal with especially when it is not your own kid.
My only suggestion is when he says things like: "why don't you do it this way?" "Don't use that pizza cutter, use this one " nicely thank him for the suggestion and remind him there is more than one way to do things. It might take a long time but I'm sure he will finally get it and give up.
I sometimes stop arguing points with my own 19 year old kid and tell him the debate is over and we agree to disagree and walk away from it.
I'd look for ways to avoid
I'd look for ways to avoid conflict without avoiding the confrontation.
Like the poster above suggested, when kid tell you how to do things, say, "Oh yes, one day I can try it that way. It's so interesting how people learn to do things. I learned to do this from my grandma, so every time I do it this way I think of her and that makes me smile inside. Next time, I'll let you teach me, and so later on, whenever I do it the way you teach me, I'll think of you."
Trump, can I slap your butt
Trump, can I slap your butt now? I think I like you. I don't agree with everything you say but you aren't afraid to call it like you see it. I do agree that this kiddo has had to grow up quick and that you can't really reverse the process. OP is on the right track with teaching him that SHE is the authority figure, not him. Even if he were a 30 year old man coming over to her house, he still wouldn't have the authority to tell her how to do things in her home. Maybe you could try explaining it to him that way. Let him know that you appreciate his input but that you would prefer to do things your way in the house that you own. When he has his own mortgage, then he can insist that people do things his way.
The fact that he's been
The fact that he's been through a lot and was thrust into an adult position, taking care of his younger siblings and whatnot, does not give him a pass to be sarcastic and disrespectful.
Absolutely that^^
Absolutely that^^
This is an interesting twist.
This is an interesting twist. Most people here are stuck with SKs can't/won't do simple tasks around the home and expect SM to do everything.
In this case, the oldest is capable and willing to do chores. The SM is in power struggle with a 14 year old because he wants to take care of a home she doesn't even live in. :? :?
By all means address the rudeness, but let the boy do all the cooking and cleaning his little heart desires. None of that is your concern. Leave that alone and just enjoy your relationship.
Don't hone in on the kid's
Don't hone in on the kid's role. With perhaps good intentions you have really overstepped your bounds on this kid. Especially as his Dad is still married, I am sure he is not ready to give that role over to you Dad's girlfriend. Why are you trying to step into the parenting role that this kid has been partially given? If Dad was worried about him 'being a kid' he would have set up neccessary supervision and childcare so that did not happen. I think this is definitely going to lead to a bad relationship between you and the kid. Dad can handle an overly rude behavior toward his siblings (which he maybe didn't notice when he was letting him assume the role of caretaker). Just take care of your daughter and be your bf's partner and be pleasant to the kids.